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"When a man has a imaginary friend he's called a lunatic. When a group of people have an imaginary friend, its called a religion" - Cris Tan10. <---Lol.
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its not the years its the mileage... Indiana jones
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were gunna need a bigger boat .. chief brodie
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"Government, like fire, is a dangerous servant and a fearful master" - George Washington
"When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty." - Thomas Jefferson
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." - Thomas Jefferson
"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson
"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering." - Bruce Lee
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" kick me.....kick me... what was that,, an exabition...We NEED emotional content."........"try again..." " i said emotional content..NOT ANGER!, now try again.....with me"
" thats it...now, how did it feel to you?" ---------------------------boy." let me think "..
" dont think, feeeeeellllllllllll....it is like a finger pointing away to the moon.......Dont concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory"
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steal some candy, you are a thief
rob a bank, you get put in prison
steal billions from from people, you are a worldclass businessman
kill someone , youre a murderer
kill several people, you're a serial killer
kill 10.000, you are a war hero and conqueror
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i wiw old manOriginally Posted by Morfyboy
I have a whole text document on my computer filled with quotes I liked. (About to add a few from this thread, too.) Here's just a few from my collection:
“Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.”
- Randy Pausch
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
— Shel Silverstein
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
-Jack Handey
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss
I also have a bunch more hilarious Jack Handey Quotes. I'll put them in another post if the list isn't too long.
Jack Handey quotes
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
Laurie got offended that I used the word PUKE. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house.
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
"I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch.
I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants!
At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder.
Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us.
Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh.
Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm.
Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun.
Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly.
After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year."
— Jack Handey
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I didn't get what you are trying to say with that? When did I say that`?Originally Posted by ClutchMystaFlex
