1. #1
    Ant__.'s Avatar Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    7,548
    Haven't done a 'Friday Fun' for a while. These are by one of my favourite comedians, Peter Kay. I hope you like them.

    1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said Thyroid
    problem?

    2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
    to forgive me.

    3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
    swimming.

    4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
    with my real ladder.

    5. I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered
    French Toast during the Renaissance.

    6. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
    Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

    7. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
    one day I turned to my bullies and said Sticks and stones may break my
    bones but names will never hurt me, and it worked! From there on it was
    sticks and stones all the way.

    8. My Dad used to say always fight fire with fire, which is probably why
    he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    9. Edited out!

    10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
    Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.

    11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
    meat?

    12. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
    the wrong answers.

    13. You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

    14. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
    they don't understand, such as working for a living.

    15. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

    16. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
    forgotten this before


    PETER KAYS UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

    1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
    pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
    fire in your back garden.

    6. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    9. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
    first given opportunity.

    10. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.

    11. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    12. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    13. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

    14. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

    15. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
    arm broken by a swan.

    16. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
    specifically to stir paint with.

    17. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
    in a fruit salad.


    SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

    1. Ladies, why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
    core of the earth?

    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
    stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic?

    6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
    have a use by date?

    9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
    crisp no one would eat?

    10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze
    these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out ?

    12. What do people in China call their good quality plates?

    13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
    point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    14. What do you call male ballerinas?

    15. Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

    16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
    vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
    stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
    Share this post

  2. #2
    Ant__.'s Avatar Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    7,548
    Haven't done a 'Friday Fun' for a while. These are by one of my favourite comedians, Peter Kay. I hope you like them.

    1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said Thyroid
    problem?

    2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
    to forgive me.

    3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
    swimming.

    4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
    with my real ladder.

    5. I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered
    French Toast during the Renaissance.

    6. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
    Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

    7. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
    one day I turned to my bullies and said Sticks and stones may break my
    bones but names will never hurt me, and it worked! From there on it was
    sticks and stones all the way.

    8. My Dad used to say always fight fire with fire, which is probably why
    he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    9. Edited out!

    10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
    Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.

    11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
    meat?

    12. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
    the wrong answers.

    13. You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

    14. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
    they don't understand, such as working for a living.

    15. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

    16. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
    forgotten this before


    PETER KAYS UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

    1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
    pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
    fire in your back garden.

    6. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    9. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
    first given opportunity.

    10. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.

    11. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    12. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    13. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

    14. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

    15. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
    arm broken by a swan.

    16. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
    specifically to stir paint with.

    17. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
    in a fruit salad.


    SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

    1. Ladies, why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
    core of the earth?

    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
    stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic?

    6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
    have a use by date?

    9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
    crisp no one would eat?

    10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze
    these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out ?

    12. What do people in China call their good quality plates?

    13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
    point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    14. What do you call male ballerinas?

    15. Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

    16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
    vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
    stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
    Share this post

  3. #3
    Kaleun1961's Avatar Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    5,755
    Those were good, especially the one about Alcoholics Anonymous.
    Share this post

  4. #4
    klcarroll's Avatar Banned
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    Sep 2006
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    In your baffles; .....and opening my outer doors.
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
    to forgive me. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


    Oh God, RJ!!!! ....My dogs think I'm insane for sitting here, looking at this stupid "Laptop", and laughing hysterically!!

    ....And (regarding the above quote) where did you get such a precise reading on my soul????

    klcarroll
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  5. #5
    Hahaha, I like these, they are all really good! I really like the universal truths.

    But I got a better Friday fun :
    SNOW DAY!!
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  6. #6
    LMAO RJ! I realy like the Questions.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
    stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
    </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Thats easy! Because the sign allways sais "Dont tucth" so you just have to!

    And more seirously you cant actuly prove the # of stars in the universe. But you can prove the paint is wet.
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  7. #7
    Jochen_Mohr's Avatar Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    not in a anime, thats for sure
    Posts
    198
    ROFLOL!
    these are awsome RJ, keep up the good work
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  8. #8


    Very funny stuff. No-one can make me laugh and feel nostalgic as much as Peter Kay. He hits the spot EVERY time!
    Share this post

  9. #9
    Celeon999's Avatar Senior Member
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    Mar 2005
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    Share this post

  10. #10
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze
    these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out ? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Good stuff

    I got one.

    Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

    Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

    Independence is what a boy feels when all he wants is to be left a loan

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you (my sig for emails)
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