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Airmail109
03-16-2005, 01:29 PM
This is in no way intended to offend anyone, its a bit of light hearted humour http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Variant of 'Notice of Revocation of Independence' purportedly written by John Cleese (Dec. 2004)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are **** and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

JoachimvMayern
03-16-2005, 01:34 PM
Who is John Cleese? Too lazy to look it up.

VW-IceFire
03-16-2005, 01:45 PM
WHO?!? Who is John Cleese? Wow.

Hint: Monty Python

ANYWAYS, yes I've seen this before and it was certainly not written in Dec 2004. I've seen it long time before that...its very funny. Its like the EU joke about fixing the English language http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

WOLFMondo
03-16-2005, 01:52 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

MosDef_99th
03-16-2005, 01:55 PM
hehe...
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif

horseback
03-16-2005, 01:57 PM
This was moderately funny 4-1/2 years ago, when Mr. Cleese wrote it. Since then, the Hon. Mr. Gore has fully revealed himself to be a raging bull goose loonie, and the legitimate choice of the Electoral College and the Supreme Court has been validated this most recent November.

Please stop transcribing things from magazines you find in the Doctor's Office; while only 2.15% of us may be aware that there is a world outside our borders, 100% of us are aware that Doctor's Offices are where old magazines go to die.

cheers

horseback

lbhskier37
03-16-2005, 02:06 PM
Re number 5.

"God save the queen her fascist regime
It made you a moron a potential h bomb !

God save the queen she ain€t no human being
There is no future in england€s dreaming

Don€t be told what you want don€t be told what you need
There€s no future no future no future for you

God save the queen we mean it man (God save window leen)
We love our queen God saves (God save... human beings)

God save the queen cos tourists are money
And our figurehead is not what she seems
Oh God save history God save your mad parade
Oh lord God have mercy all crimes are paid

When there€s no future how can there be sin
We€re the flowers in the dustbin
We€re the poison in your human machine
We€re the future your future

God save the queen we mean it man
There is no future in england€s dreaming

No future for you no future for me
No future no future for you"


This is our new national anthem?

Covino
03-16-2005, 02:07 PM
John Cleese can certainly do better than that. Fourteen year-olds can rant funnier than that.

Look For Dave Barry for REAL comedy.

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 02:23 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif funny how europeans find it funny.......even megile and fish do and they are from the USA! shhheeeeshhhhh dont take it so personally.

Ps im sorry if you have all seen it before!

Oh and by the way If you want REAL comedy watch monty python or Billy Connily.

FoolTrottel
03-16-2005, 02:28 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Covino:
John Cleese can certainly do better than that. Fourteen year-olds can rant funnier than that.

Look For Dave Barry for REAL comedy. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I looked for Dave Barry.
I found Dave Barry (http://www.davebarry.com/).

"If you leave
this web site,
I will kill this
defenseless toilet."

Yeah, like that's REAL comedy you know ...

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 02:36 PM
Billy Connoly - "What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!"

Covino
03-16-2005, 02:39 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FoolTrottel:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Covino:
John Cleese can certainly do better than that. Fourteen year-olds can rant funnier than that.

Look For Dave Barry for REAL comedy. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I looked for Dave Barry.
I found http://www.davebarry.com/.

"If you leave
this web site,
I will kill this
defenseless toilet."

Yeah, like that's REAL comedy you know ... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

When I said look for Dave Barry, I was directing it towards the people who are literate enough to read more than one sentence. Pick up one of his books.

AlmightyTallest
03-16-2005, 02:40 PM
LOL, I can take it in the spirit it was written in. It's classic British humor and I thought it was funny. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

I can still remember some of my British friends calling me on Independence Day and wishing me and my country well. They joked that when they saw us dumping their tea in Boston Harbor they knew it was all over. lol http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Great bunch of guys they are.

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 02:46 PM
Dave BErry isnt exactly a very good stand up comedian or actor.

Where as Billy and John both are.....now stop hijacking my thread Covino you Mctosser.

Now forget that little pallarva everyone lets hear some humour from both sides of the Atlantic....I want to hear some about us Brits http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif!

Mackane1
03-16-2005, 02:49 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Aimail101:
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif funny how europeans find it funny.......even megile and fish do and they are from the USA! shhheeeeshhhhh dont take it so personally.

Ps im sorry if you have all seen it before!

Oh and by the way If you want REAL comedy watch monty python or Billy Connily. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


I agree...
My wife and I are Americans and we thought it was hysterical. It's even funnier when you realize that Cleese and his wife live in California.

As an American I say, if I can't laugh at myself then I've no business laughing at anything.

civildog
03-16-2005, 02:51 PM
As a longtime Python fan I can never get enough of that sort of thing. I can hear Cleese's voice while reading it! "aloo-min-ee-um"

And I heartily approve of making Nov 2 a holiday as it is my birthday! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

I also agree with above: I too, laugh at myself. At least once a day. Unless I hurt my feelings and then I have to stand in the corner.

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 02:55 PM
Have you got any jokes aimed at us brits! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

LEXX_Luthor
03-16-2005, 02:57 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
Canada Makes Formal UN Apology for LEXX
Edgar Harris
~> http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.html?id=1088


Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien apologizes for LEXX
http://www.revolutionsf.com/images/humor/lexx/apology.jpg



Ottawa- For years, Canada was known as an inexpensive place to make science fiction, fantasy, and horror television series for cable and general syndication. Many of these productions, though, were for series that never would have received development money in the US, and "made in Canada" quickly received the same derision in the entertainment industry as "made in Indonesia" did in the sports shoe industry. This week, Canada's Parliament took matters into its own hands and formally apologized to all members of the planet for the SCI FI Channel series LEXX.

In an emotional address to the entire country, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien formally took responsibility for the terrible SF television coming from his country. <span class="ev_code_yellow">"We're sorry for War of the Worlds. We're sorry for Friday the 13th. We're sorry for Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. We're even sorry for The Starlost, even though it would have been great if the production crew had left Harlan Ellison alone. But most of all, we are very, very, VERY sorry for LEXX,</span> and we are taking steps to make sure that geek porn like this never happens again." ( http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif )

Executives at Salter Street Films, production company for the series, were last seen... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Great Article! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif
~> http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.html?id=1088

FoolTrottel
03-16-2005, 03:00 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Covino:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FoolTrottel:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Covino:
John Cleese can certainly do better than that. Fourteen year-olds can rant funnier than that.

Look For Dave Barry for REAL comedy. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I looked for Dave Barry.
I found http://www.davebarry.com/.

"If you leave
this web site,
I will kill this
defenseless toilet."

Yeah, like that's REAL comedy you know ... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

When I said look for Dave Barry, I was directing it towards the people who are literate enough to read more than one sentence. Pick up one of his books. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, I won't.
Though I consider myself literate enough to read more than once sentence.
If humour is concerned, the first sentence is very very important. If it doesn't catch, I'm out.

Oh man, lighten up, this thread's 'bout humour! No need to start calling people illiterate ... oops sorry, you didn't, you just used the term 'literate enough' http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

At Aimail101:
Check out Dave BErry's site (http://www.DaveBerry.com/).
I think Covino's (US?) Spelling is the correct one....

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 03:02 PM
LOL oops! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

AlmightyTallest
03-16-2005, 03:05 PM
I say help the British! If it wasn't for them, we'd be talking some language we couldn't understand.

BO BROWN

It's spring in England. I missed it last year. I was in the bathroom.

MICHAEL FLANDERS


How's that for starters? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif


One show I really liked was "Red Dwarf" Got to see 6 seasons of it here in the US then they dropped it http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif I always wondered what happend and how the show ended. I loved the one where they botched up the Kennedy assination 4 times, using time travel that they actually had to get Kennedy to do his own assination to save the world.

Rimmer, Lister, Cat lol, Kryten, Holly, Hollister, still know most of the names http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Airmail109
03-16-2005, 03:09 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

I liked the episode where the simpsons go to london.....the stereotyping was hilarious! Anyone seen it! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

AlmightyTallest
03-16-2005, 03:15 PM
LOL oh yea http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

One thing I liked was a British cartoon called Danger Mouse... Did you ever see the one where he went to the US? You should have seen the stereotyping http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif It was funny, Dangermouse of course met up with a cowboy, still fighting the indians and hooping and hollering, this English guy was trying to talk like and American with a South Western accent, which made it more funny, then when they went past Cape Canaveral there were space launches every 3 seconds lol. The Cowboy couldn't understand Dangermouse's language, and Dangermouse couldn't understand the cowboy. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Great stuff http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Mackane1
03-16-2005, 03:25 PM
My favorites so far are those nutjobs from ROYSTON VASEY.
The League of Gentlemen

Taylortony
03-16-2005, 03:41 PM
I would like to add a personal note to this, During the Falklands War John Cleese was making a film of which i forget the name at Church Crookham Gurka Barracks and my best friend Roy Boakes had been sent south on the Atlantic Conveyor... He asked me to look after his family and kids at the time which i did to the best of my ability, his kids knowing his dad liked John Cleese went round to get his Autograph ( the eldest being about 12 and the youngest of 3 about 5 ) Mr Cleese if i recollect correctly asked them to come back in the afternoon which they did.............. He had taken the time to sit down and write a letter to Roy thanking him for what he was doing and wishing him well and a safe return......... The kids posted it down to Roy and when the Atlantic Conveyor was hit by an Exocet and sunk Roy swam off the sinking Conveyor with only the letter and a screwdriver in his pockets...................... It was Special to him and was a bit of a moral booster to us to know that John Cleese had took time out from his filming schedule to sit down in a corner somewhere and pen a quite long letter to Roy.... It showed me the Humanity of the Guy..............

Amon26
03-16-2005, 04:03 PM
if you find this funny the terrorists have already won.

haha. is he joking?

Mackane1
03-16-2005, 04:08 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Amon26:
if you find this funny the terrorists have already won.

haha. is he joking? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

blairgowrie
03-16-2005, 04:12 PM
I found it hilarious. What it has to do with terrorists completely eludes me. If you can't accept a bit of self deprecating humour then I think you are taking yourself much too seriously.

ImpStarDuece
03-16-2005, 04:33 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JoachimvMayern:
Who is John Cleese? Too lazy to look it up. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

^^^ Obiously not part of the 2.15% http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

fabianfred
03-16-2005, 04:53 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Taylortony:
I would like to add a personal note to this, During the Falklands War John Cleese was making a film of which i forget the name at Church Crookham Gurka Barracks and my best friend Roy Boakes had been sent south on the Atlantic Conveyor... He asked me to look after his family and kids at the time which i did to the best of my ability, his kids knowing his dad liked John Cleese went round to get his Autograph ( the eldest being about 12 and the youngest of 3 about 5 ) Mr Cleese if i recollect correctly asked them to come back in the afternoon which they did.............. He had taken the time to sit down and write a letter to Roy thanking him for what he was doing and wishing him well and a safe return......... The kids posted it down to Roy and when the Atlantic Conveyor was hit by an Exocet and sunk Roy swam off the sinking Conveyor with only the letter and a screwdriver in his pockets...................... It was Special to him and was a bit of a moral booster to us to know that John Cleese had took time out from his filming schedule to sit down in a corner somewhere and pen a quite long letter to Roy.... It showed me the Humanity of the Guy.............. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I live in Church Crookham and have been to the Gurkha camp many times.......was in Hong Kong with them too, as their Armourer before retiring to Thailand http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
love anything Cleese.... best American comedy in my opinion was 'Cheers'

Daiichidoku
03-16-2005, 05:48 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LEXX_Luthor:
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
_Canada Makes Formal UN Apology for LEXX_
Edgar Harris
~> http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.html?id=1088


_Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien apologizes for LEXX_
http://www.revolutionsf.com/images/humor/lexx/apology.jpg



_Ottawa-_ For years, Canada was known as an inexpensive place to make science fiction, fantasy, and horror television series for cable and general syndication. Many of these productions, though, were for series that never would have received development money in the US, and "made in Canada" quickly received the same derision in the entertainment industry as "made in Indonesia" did in the sports shoe industry. This week, Canada's Parliament took matters into its own hands and formally apologized to all members of the planet for the SCI FI Channel series LEXX.

In an emotional address to the entire country, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien formally took responsibility for the terrible SF television coming from his country. _<span class="ev_code_yellow">"We're sorry for War of the Worlds. We're sorry for Friday the 13th. We're sorry for Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. We're even sorry for The Starlost, even though it would have been great if the production crew had left Harlan Ellison alone. But most of all, we are very, very, VERY sorry for LEXX,</span>_ and we are taking steps to make sure that geek porn like this never happens again." ( http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif )

Executives at Salter Street Films, production company for the series, were last seen... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Great Article__!__ http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif
~> http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.html?id=1088 <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


heeh ei remember the "starlost"

a family friend was an accountant at the CFTO studios where it was made....I still have one of the costumes from that show, a space outfit made to look as if its been through a fire or explosion of some sort

even back in 1975 or so, one could see just how cheap that series was

KGr.HH-Sunburst
03-16-2005, 06:09 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Amon26:
if you find this funny the terrorists have already won.

haha. is he joking? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/354.gif

as a Euro i found it hilarious
and i agree with john cleese 100% http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

heywooood
03-16-2005, 07:08 PM
Why do we in America always go for our guns?..

"thems fightin' words! git offa my property!"

and "Who's John Cleese?"...

The only thing I know about Britain is that you need more dentists...pronto.
Talk about safe sex...the girls look ok until they smile. yikes.


And as for Canada.....Eh?! The only country where our cheezy dollar still trumps their cheezy dollar.... waddupwidat?

oh yeah - Aimail is Sir Robin I have proof.

civildog
03-16-2005, 07:30 PM
Thank God for Canada. Without it we wouldn't have had Second City, Saturday Night Live (back in the 70's when it was good, anyway), or John Candy.

Or The Kids in the Hall!

The Brits could knock it off with the endless Jane Austen/Victorian Masterpiece Theater stuff and give us more shows like "Piece of Cake" or maybe some cracking good tales of two-fisted fighting by Kipling!

WWSensei
03-16-2005, 07:46 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CivilDog:
Thank God for Canada. Without it we wouldn't have had Second City, Saturday Night Live (back in the 70's when it was good, anyway), or John Candy.

Or The Kids in the Hall! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, but those were lame attempts to make up for William Shatner and his 1968 rendition of "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds". This led to an escalation of hostilities in which we took Gretsky. Canada then showed their true evil nature by unleashing Shania as "country singer" and followed quickly with the "actor" Keanu Reeves.

Claiming Reeves as an achor was pretty much a "nuclear option." We had no choice but to take out the Expos and cancel the NHL hockey season.

Hockey, of course, being the closest thing to a national religion in Canada.

One shudders to think where it will go from here...

huggy87
03-16-2005, 07:46 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mackane1:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Aimail101:
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif funny how europeans find it funny.......even megile and fish do and they are from the USA! shhheeeeshhhhh dont take it so personally.

Ps im sorry if you have all seen it before!

Oh and by the way If you want REAL comedy watch monty python or Billy Connily. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


I agree...
My wife and I are Americans and we thought it was hysterical. It's even funnier when you realize that Cleese and his wife live in California.

As an American I say, if I can't laugh at myself then I've no business laughing at anything. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I second this. I found the piece pretty funny. Along the same vein as Eddie Murphy's Saturday Night Live bit about the emancipation proclamation not being signed and american blacks still being slaves (maybe cleese 'borrowed' this joke). Do you Brits get many american shows? Seinfeld, Simpsons, Etc. Nobody makes fun of americans like the simpsons can.

Nubarus
03-16-2005, 08:03 PM
"American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion."

This little bit brought up a funny memory.

In the bar I work as a volunteer (Youth recreation center originally set up to help us "going nowhere in society metalheads" to get our lives in order but after about a year they found out it was all in their "psycho analystic narrow minded stereo type heads" we had a visit from a bunch of 101st airborn troops. (Who visited our town of Eindhoven as part of the 60th ani festivities when the 101st landed around here as part of Market Garden)
Well I invited them after they woke me up at 4 AM when they tagged along with one of the girls that lived in the community house I lived in as well.
When I am awake I cannot go back to sleep anyway so I stayed up and chatted with them until I had to go to work. (Normal job)

So it was Friday and I told em where the place was and that I had to work and since they already bragged how they could drink me and my palls under the table we set them up with some nice Belgium heavy duty beers.

It didn't take long before the fist fell over backwards, moaned and then vomitted all over the place talking bollocks and later they had to be picked up and transported back to where ever they where staying by their MP's.

So these guys came back on Saterday, I didn't have to work that evening so I asked if they came back for more Belgium beer and all I got back was a unified "NO WAY" so they looked at the beer chart and spotted the Budweiser.
When they ordered it I warned them that it was not the same as the Budweiser in the US but mid centence they cut me off saying that Budweiser is Butweiser.
But in the end they where wrong and they got pi$$ drunk again since we had the Chech Budweiser and not the fluffy US stuff.

After that I never saw these guys again. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

psychobabbler
03-16-2005, 08:09 PM
2.17 percent of us will think this is funny.
the rest of us will respond by saying that we
should have let hitler have you.

heywooood
03-16-2005, 08:11 PM
if they served real beer at American sporting events we would make soccer hooligans look like panty-waisted doily knitters, be sure.

Every postgame parking lot would look like the OK Corral at high noon....I can just hear the Magnificent Seven theme song now...dead Raider fans stacked like cordwood...the smell of cordite and burned out cars...

Ya'll oughtta thank yer lucky stars we aren't fed the real brew....yep good ol' American KittenBrau.

Nubarus
03-16-2005, 08:45 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by psychobabbler:
2.17 percent of us will think this is funny.
the rest of us will respond by saying that we
should have let hitler have you. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

How can that be?

Those 97.83 percent don't even know who Hitler was. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

Avid_
03-16-2005, 08:57 PM
Got a kick out of the part about abolishing the ize spelling. I just finished reworking a video for a client that was doing a trade show in London. It was full of text with words like Realize and Customize and Personalize. They paid me a fair amount of cash to change them all to the British friendly ise spelling.

If there are other standard differences in spelling conventions I implore one of you across the pond to send me a list of them. I figure I can add as many as possible into the scripts I write for them, and each time a London show comes up I can double my money http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Avid

civildog
03-16-2005, 09:26 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>if they served real beer at American sporting events we would make soccer hooligans look like panty-waisted doily knitters, be sure.

Every postgame parking lot would look like the OK Corral at high noon....I can just hear the Magnificent Seven theme song now...dead Raider fans stacked like cordwood...the smell of cordite and burned out cars...

Ya'll oughtta thank yer lucky stars we aren't fed the real brew....yep good ol' American KittenBrau.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL! That sounds like what happens whenever the Lakers lose!

TAGERT.
03-16-2005, 11:30 PM
F Cleese

Von_Rat
03-16-2005, 11:53 PM
im not offended,i really like john cleeses humor. but this was not that funny. im a little disappointed, i expected some biting humor. this just seemed flat. maybe if i heard it in his voice.

bhunter2112
03-16-2005, 11:59 PM
When will these people get it? We don't care what you think. When we go down there will be nothing left.

WTE_Ibis
03-17-2005, 01:37 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TAGERT.:
F Cleese <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And YOU will be locked in Fawlty Towers for your
disrespect be sure.

WTE_Ibis
03-17-2005, 01:48 AM
A large influx of English imigrants to America raised the IQ of both countries. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif
But England suffered a huge "brain drain" when
it shipped its' convicts to OZ. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/mockface.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif
The Australians and New Zealanders(along with Tom Cruise) had to go back and save the Motherland.
I think,dunno for sure,that there may have been
a Canadian or two there as well. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif

ploughman
03-17-2005, 03:20 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> ...British cartoon called Danger Mouse..blah, blah blah <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Danger Mouse was aimed at 9 years olds, I know as I used to watch it on kids tv when I was 9. Comparing Danger Mouse to the Simpsons is like comparing Young Superman to the West Wing.

The Simpsons is great satire, and if I ever think our American friends have maybe lost the plot I just think of Homer and know everything'll turn out alright.

American beer may be for girls but I lived in Georgia for a while and you could actually buy almost pure (97.5%) alcohol from booze shops. It had a skull and crossbones on the bottle and said "danger of death if drunk neat" on it or something. My mates and I had to try it, of course, and we all suffered temporary respiratory failure as a result. *****in'.

I too was a little disapointed, it wasn't very original;has JC lost his edge?

Aimosika
03-17-2005, 04:34 AM
This letter would have been funny if it has not been true. Guns, lawyers, not being adult... Too true!

ImpStarDuece
03-17-2005, 05:18 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bhunter2112:
When will these people get it? We don't care what you think. When we go down there will be nothing left. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nothing left of What? When Who goes down? Who exactly are these people you talk about? Am I one of them? Why do you include not specific reference to anything?

Von_Zero
03-17-2005, 05:19 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>When will these people get it? We don't care what you think. When we go down there will be nothing left. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Q.E.D..... "97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders" ...... http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Nubarus
03-17-2005, 06:09 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bhunter2112:
When will these people get it? We don't care what you think. When we go down there will be nothing left. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The rest of the world survived for thousands of years when the US didn't exist so I am sure it would survive it.

Not a single country on this planet holds the fate of us all.

AlmightyTallest
03-17-2005, 09:10 AM
Ploughman no problem, I was about 9 when I saw DangerMouse here in the US. I was just comparing the humor of stereotyping Americans in one of the episodes. At the time I never realized it, but looking back it was funny to see how we're percieved by others, and to compare with the way American cartoons like the Simpsons for example, portray the English sometimes.

No doubt Simpsons is one of the best cartoons out there for the older crowd. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

TAGERT.
03-17-2005, 09:16 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WTE_Ibis:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TAGERT.:
F Cleese <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And YOU will be locked in Fawlty Towers for your disrespect be sure. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nope, in that *if* disrespect got people locked up, Cleese would be there before me... Hmmmm Ill gladly go if Cleese is there.. Then I can box that old mans ears back and show him true love! Hows that for disrespect? Do I get a prize? Or should I fart in your general direction first?

ploughman
03-17-2005, 09:36 AM
I always wondered if your crumpets were buttered that way Tagert.

TAGERT.
03-17-2005, 09:39 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ploughman:
I always wondered if your crumpets were buttered that way Tagert. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>With extra butter!

ploughman
03-17-2005, 09:47 AM
You're a very naughty man, Mr T. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

Avid_
03-17-2005, 09:57 AM
Although I would have to agree with some of the things that Mr Clees allegedly wrote, I do have to say that being American does have it's good points. What are they you ask? Well right now I'm just sitting down to a plate full of pan fried SPAM!! Ahhh the salty, meaty goodness that is this truly American inovation.

Yes it's good to be an American http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

DrDave242
03-17-2005, 10:05 AM
While withholding comment on whether or not the topic of this thread is actually funny, I feel it is necessary to point out that it has been conclusively proven that it was NOT written by John Cleese:

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_b.htm

Taylortony
03-17-2005, 10:21 AM
I have read this thread with some mirth, It seems to some people think that the Colonials do not have any form Humour......

This is blatently not true, one just has to look at who they elected as President.....



http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

ploughman
03-17-2005, 10:29 AM
Spam?

http://www.modrica.com/forum/uploads/images/SirOliver/smiley-puke.gif

WOLFMondo
03-17-2005, 10:29 AM
Im not sure which is funnier, the original joke or some peoples reactions to it.

Grow sense of humour.

Monty_Thrud
03-17-2005, 11:20 AM
Yes...Spam is the future...embrace it now...SPAAAAMMM!!

http://premium1.uploadit.org/bsamania//SPAMALOT.gif

Oh and the letter to America is just humour...its just a bit of fun...but you know this...its good to laugh at yourselves and others..or you'll take everything to seriously and end up shooting your PC... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

huggy87
03-17-2005, 12:15 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nubarus:

The rest of the world survived for thousands of years when the US didn't exist so I am sure it would survive it.

Not a single country on this planet holds the fate of us all. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Not true in the nuclear age. One nation (or organization) can determine the fate of the planet.

ploughman
03-17-2005, 12:26 PM
Not the planet, just the human race. The planet'll get along fine without us. You didn't think all this global warming, save the world stuff was about tigers did you? It's about us! We're the endangered species.

telsono
03-17-2005, 01:11 PM
My maternal grandfather was raised in England, Oldham to be precise. He actually served as a mechanic in the RFC in the "Great War" working on RE-8's (Harry Tates as he referred to them. Anyway, he would sometimes go into that Lancastrian accent that I could hardly understand, but I learned to understand it. Benny Hill would do a skit doing that same accent with another memeber of his cast (that skinny old bald chap). I was about the only one of my friends in college that understood what they said. Yes, George Bernard Shaw was right, England and the USA are two countries separated by a common language.

In reference to LEXX, the first season with the initial actress was ok, but when they changed casts and storyline it fell apart.

RedDeth
03-17-2005, 02:44 PM
"posted Thu March 17 2005 11:26
Not the planet, just the human race. The planet'll get along fine without us. You didn't think all this global warming, save the world stuff was about tigers did you? It's about us! We're the endangered species."


um no. the human race is NOT an endangered species. even in event of total nuclear holocaust people will live ALL over the world in remote areas and repopulate. only way to wipe us out is to wipe out the whole planet.

now on the other hand every creature and every environment aside from us IS endangered...by the human race

mortoma
03-17-2005, 02:53 PM
From henceforth, no Briton, Australian or Kiwi will be permitted to pronouce the word "schedule" as "shedule". With the exception that they start pronouncing "school" as "shool"!!! This is to be effective immediately.

Aaron_GT
03-17-2005, 03:59 PM
Originally the pronounciation of ski in British English at least was the same as she. You can still hear this on some 1930s British newreels reporting on the Royals visiting the slopes in France, and so on.

Nubarus
03-17-2005, 05:02 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RedDeth:
"posted Thu March 17 2005 11:26
Not the planet, just the human race. The planet'll get along fine without us. You didn't think all this global warming, save the world stuff was about tigers did you? It's about us! We're the endangered species."


um no. the human race is NOT an endangered species. even in event of total nuclear holocaust people will live ALL over the world in remote areas and repopulate. only way to wipe us out is to wipe out the whole planet.

now on the other hand every creature and every environment aside from us IS endangered...by the human race <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I guess you never heard of nuclear winter.

In the case of a global nuclear war we will not survive it.
Maybe some animals/insects do that are able to adapt but we humans are far too weak to survive a nuclear winter.

Nubarus
03-17-2005, 05:06 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by huggy87:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nubarus:

The rest of the world survived for thousands of years when the US didn't exist so I am sure it would survive it.

Not a single country on this planet holds the fate of us all. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Not true in the nuclear age. One nation (or organization) _can_ determine the fate of the planet. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think you missed the way I ment to say it.

What I mean was that if a single country should just vanish, like the earth opens up and it's gone that the rest of the world will survive that.
Not the ability of one moronic country that starts to shoot ICBM's and then expect to win a war that way. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

92SqnGCJimbo
03-17-2005, 05:49 PM
thi know nowt telsono... it be called broad lancashire or broad lancy dialect.... still mostly spoke in bowton.. watch fred dibna.. tis on box at 8 on bbc2...

now cant thi tell where i was brought up

translation... u know nothing telsono.. it is called broad lancashire... or broad lancy dialect.. still mostly spoke in bolton.. watch fred dibna.. its on the t.v at 8pm on bbc2

u gotta luv broad lancy.. straight to the point.. u just gotta understand it first

heywooood
03-17-2005, 06:45 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mortoma:
From henceforth, no Briton, Australian or Kiwi will be permitted to pronouce the word "schedule" as "shedule". With the exception that they start pronouncing "school" as "shool"!!! This is to be effective immediately. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Yeah! and the friggin' Canadians cant say gradge anymore..as in "park the car in the gradge"...(we wont even mention 'oot' and
'aboot', eh?) from now on they have to say garage like everybody else....'shedule'...good one, mort.

Lucius_Esox
03-17-2005, 06:51 PM
Love the Spit pic 92SqnGcJimbo,, Sounds wierd but nice colours http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif God I love the Simpsons. they actually make me feel safer in the world!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/heart.gif

Nanuk66
03-17-2005, 09:24 PM
'if they served real beer at American sporting events we would make soccer hooligans look like panty-waisted doily knitters, be sure.'

AHahahaha!
Hohohohoho!

My ****!!

And its 'FOOTBALL' not 'SOCCER', or didnt you read wot Mr Cleese wrote?

Badsight.
03-17-2005, 10:48 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RedDeth:
um no. the human race is NOT an endangered species. even in event of total nuclear holocaust people will live ALL over the world <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>ok that was funny !

SeminoleX
03-18-2005, 08:24 AM
Pretty stupid post....no offense.

flyingscampi
03-18-2005, 08:51 AM
Europe€s New Official Language

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty€s Government concluded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be know as €˜EuroEnglish€.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" sound will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to arrive at the stage where more komplikated revisions are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar revisions vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand on anozer.

Ze drem vil finali *** tru.

Capt.England
03-18-2005, 10:44 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Avid_:
Although I would have to agree with some of the things that Mr Clees allegedly wrote, I do have to say that being American does have it's good points. What are they you ask? Well right now I'm just sitting down to a plate full of pan fried SPAM!! Ahhh the salty, meaty goodness that is this truly American inovation.

Yes it's good to be an American http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Do you have Spam fritters? My favourite food with real english chips! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/1241.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

skabbe
03-18-2005, 12:18 PM
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH


why is it always the most aggressive one the most stupid one? i think the people who argue here should read it until you get the ONE and simple point of what he is saying...

Flydutch
03-18-2005, 05:21 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Aimail101:
Have you got any jokes aimed at us brits! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


"Zwei Peanuts are walking zru ze streatz Zais wone of them too thie other: Look out of your Dops!.........Ha... ha.. ha, Haaaaa"

(German response to the 'Killing Joke' The Britons used against the Nazis during WWII, Sorry I cant write the Killing Joke one down would be dangerous since I understand German!)

civildog
03-18-2005, 07:54 PM
No, no, no...the Nazi response to the British Killer Joke goes like this:

"Zwei peanuts were walking down the Strasse, and one was assaulted....peanut!"

("Deutchland uber alles" begins playing)


It's interesting to note that the first Nazi Killer Joke was this one:

"First German: The Fueher's dog does not have a nose!

Second German: Then how does he smell?

First German: Simply awful!!"

In combat it was deadly.

SLCFAX1973
03-18-2005, 08:16 PM
I LIVE IN UTAH. SHE MUST NOT LIKE THE MORMONS.

Huxley_S
03-18-2005, 08:18 PM
American: If it wasn't for us Americans you'd all be speaking German!

Brit: Well if it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking Dutch!

Dutchy: Well if it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking Portugese!

German: Well if it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking Latin!

Italian: Well if it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking Norse!

Viking: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... etc !

Saturnalia
03-19-2005, 07:00 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nubarus:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by psychobabbler:
2.17 percent of us will think this is funny.
the rest of us will respond by saying that we
should have let hitler have you. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

How can that be?

Those 97.83 percent don't even know who Hitler was. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

See, we here in the States have this thing called the History Channel, which gives us 200% of our recommended daily allowance of Hitler.

AlmightyTallest
03-19-2005, 09:24 AM
lol, you got that right Saturnalia, you can't even flick through the stations without seeing Hitler's mug once a day.

Eventually even the most ignorant to WW2 history will stick around long enough on the History Channel to get something from it. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif