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K_Freddie
09-06-2007, 08:40 AM
A few dyslexics run into a bank brandishing weapons and shout:
"Put your mothers in the air you hand-stickers, this is a F..kup":
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

K_Freddie
09-06-2007, 08:40 AM
A few dyslexics run into a bank brandishing weapons and shout:
"Put your mothers in the air you hand-stickers, this is a F..kup":
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Deadmeat313
09-06-2007, 08:56 AM
What do you do if you see a Fireman?
Put it out, man.


T.

Monterey13
09-06-2007, 09:04 AM
Firefighters....we find 'em hot and leave 'em wet.

DuxCorvan
09-06-2007, 09:50 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">
What do you do if you see a Fireman?
Put it out, man.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Firefighters....we find 'em hot and leave 'em wet. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Er... the 'Leather Bar Forum' is another site, I think. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif

Monterey13
09-06-2007, 10:05 AM
Dux, not all of us share your homosexual desires...lol

Lurch1962
09-06-2007, 04:52 PM
Overheard in a Gay bar; "May I push your stool in?"

BaldieJr
09-06-2007, 07:11 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar to order a beer and a mop.

Rammjaeger
09-06-2007, 07:54 PM
"I was really into bestiality, sadomasochism, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse."

http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/

DKoor
09-06-2007, 11:34 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Grand_Armee
09-07-2007, 12:48 AM
...A seal walked into a club...

Hydra454
09-07-2007, 01:06 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Grand_Armee:
...A seal walked into a club... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Classic

knightflyte
09-07-2007, 01:29 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Lurch1962:
Overheard in a Gay bar; "May I push your stool in?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


If you turn the stool over you have a convenient seat for four.

F19_Orheim
09-07-2007, 01:53 AM
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

JarheadEd
09-07-2007, 05:59 AM
Did you you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

DrHerb
09-07-2007, 06:30 AM
How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw!

A man walks into a bar, "OUCH" he yells......

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 06:51 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the

other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

rhinomonkey
09-07-2007, 06:59 AM
two snowmen standing in a field one says to the other: "can you smell carrot?"

DKoor
09-07-2007, 07:02 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Monterey13:
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the

other: "Does this taste funny to you?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE> http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Airmail109
09-07-2007, 07:26 AM
Heres an awesome video of one liners from Futurama, mainly bender

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iVBC1ww-b_A

frior-one
09-07-2007, 08:27 AM
I have a step ladder, its not my real ladder..

Feathered_IV
09-07-2007, 09:05 AM
I'd like to write a work of fiction. That'd be novel.

T_O_A_D
09-07-2007, 09:15 AM
Go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

steve_v
09-07-2007, 10:31 AM
Is Mr. Michael Finn in residence?

- W. C. Fields, The Bank D_ick

advising the barman in the Black Pussycat Saloon that a Mickey Finn should be slipped to the visiting bank inspector, Pinkerton Snoopington.

http://www.afi.com/silver/new/nowplaying/2005/v2i4/images/BankDick.jpg

ochi
09-07-2007, 10:45 AM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"

Low_Flyer_MkVb
09-07-2007, 10:53 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

A polar bear walks into a bar and takes five minutes to order a beer, the barman says "Why the long paws?"

Cajun76
09-07-2007, 11:34 AM
A young 3 legged dog walks into western saloon.

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

Cajun76
09-07-2007, 11:54 AM
Cajun says: Baseball is wrong. A man cannot walk with four balls.

Krt_Bong
09-07-2007, 01:18 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Lurch1962:
Overheard in a Gay bar; "May I push your stool in?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>EEEuuuww!

Krt_Bong
09-07-2007, 01:20 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by knightflyte:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Lurch1962:
Overheard in a Gay bar; "May I push your stool in?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


If you turn the stool over you have a convenient seat for four. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>EEEeeeuuww EEEEEEEuuw
thath tho thick

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 01:23 PM
An atom walks into a bar and asks if anyone has seen his electron. The bartender says no, and asks the atom if he's sure his electron is missing.
Yes, says the atom, I'm positive.

Monterey13
09-07-2007, 01:24 PM
Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.

Airmail109
09-07-2007, 01:27 PM
"Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee" - Bender, Whilst drifting through space with a piano

snafu73
09-09-2007, 08:13 PM
"If you gave (Jerry) Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."

- Christopher Hitchens

Dance
09-09-2007, 09:15 PM
Bear says to Rabbit,

"hey does sh** stick to your fur?"

Rabbit says says "no"

Bear promptly picks up rabbit and wipes @ss

ImMoreBetter
09-09-2007, 09:20 PM
I was sitting in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger. Then it hit me.

FI.RULES
09-09-2007, 11:41 PM
Q:What is a nude man doing in a Air-Port swing-door?

A:He´s going to Bang-****.


Q:What´s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.


Q:What´s the difference between a band of pygmies and a female track and field team?

A:A band of pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

K_Freddie
09-11-2007, 03:29 AM
- Did you hear about the MAGIC tractor ?
It turned into a field!

- A guy walked into a bar..
And said 'ouch'

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

SeaVee
09-11-2007, 05:28 AM
You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Marriage is not a WORD......

its a SENTENCE.

bigbossmalone
09-11-2007, 07:44 AM
REHAB is for quitters

Viper2005_
09-11-2007, 08:47 AM
Brian Johnston, the cricket commentator was asked by an Australian customs official whether he had a criminal record. He replied:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> I didn't realise it was still a requirement. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

***

Lord Hives, when asked the question "How many people work at Rolls-Royce" is reported once to have replied:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> About half of 'em. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

major_setback
09-11-2007, 09:03 AM
When my grandad was very ill my grandmother rubbed his back with lard.
After that he went downhill very quickly. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif

TAW_Oilburner
09-11-2007, 07:35 PM
Just found these..

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

Cajun76
09-11-2007, 07:54 PM
Q: What's black and white, and has fuzz inside?

A: A police car.

================================================== =================

Each one of the next is funny in it's own way, but together it's hilarious. Remember to laugh at yourself. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


COWS

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. By this time, it is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell
both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a
gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock
goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to
lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around,
you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have
some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and
open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last
3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking
one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't
figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the
leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Divine-Wind
09-11-2007, 07:59 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

Love the Japanese and Russian corporation...

K_Freddie
09-12-2007, 02:21 AM
South African Corporation.
There are lots of fat cows and the herdsman promises all his neighbours a cow if they vote for the black cow. The neighbours vote but receive no cows. No one knows how to milk the cows and the fields have dried up. Many cows are now dead, dying, and a lot of cows have walked to the far field. The herdsman says that there is no problem.

B16Enk
09-12-2007, 03:51 AM
My one liner...it's an image tag so technically correct:

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y203/B16Enk/Uh_oh.jpg

choxaway
09-12-2007, 06:27 AM
My grandfather played piano on the Titanic - he went down ever so well . . .

JarheadEd
09-12-2007, 11:35 AM
A man went to see the psychiatrist.

"Doctor, I keep having the same dream, first I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tee-pee, then a wigwam, then a tee-pee"

cue Austrian accent "Ja, I see your problem,..you're just two tents"

JZG_Thiem
09-12-2007, 12:24 PM
Whats the difference between a hurricane and a woman?
..
..
..none, both come in wild and wet, and when they left, they took most of your property.

JZG_Thiem
09-12-2007, 12:31 PM
ohh, btw. The shortest one i ever heard of:

Bend down fairy queen, a whish is a whish

Lucius_Esox
09-12-2007, 05:14 PM
True mistake by an English cricket reporter on live radio, can't remember his name.

"The Batsman is Holding, the Bowlers Willy!"

LW_lcarp
09-12-2007, 07:19 PM
A priest, rabbi, and a shaman walk into a bar the bartender says "What is this some kind of joke".

FA_Razor
09-12-2007, 07:37 PM
Two antenae get married. The ceremony was so-so...but the reception was incredible.

or

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an Umbrella?
A: For Drizzle.

slo_1_2_3
09-12-2007, 10:08 PM
Short one liners eh? I'm so gonna win this . THid id the first thing to honestly pop into my head.
"OO ****"

slo_1_2_3
09-12-2007, 10:10 PM
hmph, I ddn't know it was automaticly censored here. Well I said c-rap

knightflyte
09-13-2007, 01:18 AM
Q: Would you care to go out for dinner?

A: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!

Capt.LoneRanger
09-13-2007, 02:08 AM
Q: What is small, green and triangular?
A: A small green triangle.

Play more with Claymore.

74,6% of all statistics are faked.

I am really a nice guy. If I had any friends, they could tell you.

I have no prejudices, I hate everybody.

If sun rises in the west, test your compass quickly, best.

If the van is rocking, don't dare knocking. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blush.gif

A man a word, a women a book.

Yesterday we were one step to the abyss, today, we are a step further.

If there is a light at the end of the wormhole, it's probably a photon-torpedo.

There is nothing more accurate than friendly fire!

Sometimes you lose, sometimes somebody else wins.

Some clocks are ahead of their times.

Who searches heaven on earth doesn't know a bit about geography.

Q: How do Hedgehogs make love?
A: Damn carefully!

Q: What does a woman do, when her husband runs criss-cross through the garden?
A: Continue shooting.

You're always stuck in ****. Only the depth changes from time to time.

When Becarell discovered radioactivity, he could tell from his 12 fingers, it was not healthy.

If you can't dazzle them with style, ridlle'em with bullets.

Sexuality unites.



And now the best:

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Cause 7 8 9 !

knightflyte
09-13-2007, 02:34 PM
We're sorry for any inconvenience, but because of budget constraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off. Thank you.

DrHerb
09-15-2007, 12:46 PM
I dated a midget once......I was nuts over her.

*Overheard in a bar*
Man - "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Women - "Unfertilized."

VMF-214_HaVoK
09-15-2007, 12:52 PM
If I want anymore lip outa you...I will jiggle my zipper.

Ill fold you like yesterdays newspaper.

Gold_Monkey
09-15-2007, 11:01 PM
Life is like a S**t sandwich, The more "bread" you have the less S**t you have to eat.