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View Full Version : OK, how about a Joke thread...



XyZspineZyX
11-28-2003, 07:10 AM
I was going to tack this onto a joke thread I knew we had floating around here somewhere, but as it turns out that was back in Febuary!/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif



An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player,

the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."



Got any more?/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

[This message was edited by amdrocks on Wed February 18 2004 at 02:41 PM.]

XyZspineZyX
11-28-2003, 07:10 AM
I was going to tack this onto a joke thread I knew we had floating around here somewhere, but as it turns out that was back in Febuary!/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif



An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player,

the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die....So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."



Got any more?/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

[This message was edited by amdrocks on Wed February 18 2004 at 02:41 PM.]

XyZspineZyX
11-28-2003, 04:48 PM
Digger,....:


A Dutchmen went to church to confess.

"Forgiveness Father. In WWII I had some people stashed away on the attic.."

Father: "Well Son,..that's not really sin is it?"

Man: "Well no Father, but I asked them rent for it..."

Father: Well that's not very nice, but then again, you were in great danger too my Son....

Man: Thank you Father. I have another question for you

Father: What is it my Son?

Man: Do you think I should tell them the war is over?





PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646

XyZspineZyX
11-28-2003, 10:22 PM
LOL DIGGER /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

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XyZspineZyX
11-29-2003, 07:22 AM
HAHAHA nice one(s) Digger and PME


i wish i had some to share, but i have only lame ones in my head. so to prevent being BOOO-ed, i'll stay quiet /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg


Can't forget about it



http://www.harrelsonfamily.com/USA/bush_ashganistan.jpg

XyZspineZyX
11-29-2003, 10:47 AM
Another one:

A guy walked into a bar and said - Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender!"
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender,
and again the bartender beast him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"


Bring on the lame ones PB /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

PME... I know you've got some more /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
11-29-2003, 04:52 PM
LMAO! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646

XyZspineZyX
11-29-2003, 08:25 PM
I'm getting cramps I'm laughing so hard /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://volcano.photobucket.com/albums/v11/MovingWeapon/Copy_of_Cdnsniper11v2.JPG

XyZspineZyX
11-29-2003, 08:49 PM
Joke thread, joke thread- Hmm- that's a tough one- lets see- Once there was a woman in a tower with long hair and she had a spinning wheel with thread on it- no that one sucks- Once there was a man hanging over a cliff by a thread and if the thread broke he would probably fall -clean to the bottom, unless he fell in a mud hole -no thats sucks too.

Gee- I don't think I know any jokes with thread in it- sry-- /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif Is this lame or what?/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

Leep Out:



http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/leep/LEEP3.jpg

XyZspineZyX
11-30-2003, 02:55 AM
Nice try Leep /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

How about this one...

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument.
The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"!

The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"!

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them.
"Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says,
"I bet he's never even seen a hippopotamus let alone heard one fart under water!


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
11-30-2003, 03:23 AM
Roflmao guys so keep them coming/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
11-30-2003, 04:22 AM
This is an excellent thread. Also very funny. Here's one:

You might be a redneck if you think nsync is where you put your dishes.

http://www.barrettrifles.com/images/model82A1.jpg


http://www.flyingtigerssurplus.com/images/products/bgP751.jpg


bazooka, "when they absolutely positively gotta die," Bambo

Praise the lord and pass the ammunition

XyZspineZyX
12-01-2003, 07:53 AM
/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:


Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: " May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was immediately surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.


Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: "Sure. Here it is" - It was valid.
Captain: "Whose car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration." -

The driver owned the car.

The Captain opened the glove box to see if there was a gun.

Sure enough there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? "
Driver: "No problem".

Trunk is opened; and there is no body to be seen.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this car, had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Yeah........ I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding too!

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-01-2003, 10:25 AM
L/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif L

(might be locked.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif )

Reg,

<font color="#00FF00">Paul it was truly funny as with all the jokes but this was a little over the line</font> /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif





PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646



Message Edited on 12/02/0303:40PM by snipe21

XyZspineZyX
12-02-2003, 01:39 AM
LMAO


Well i am just glad i got to read it before jp /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


lol or in this case, mark.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font face="verdana" size="0" color="00aa00">-Matt
<center>http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-4/159002/raft.jpg</center>
<center>XBL Gamertag= Claudeboy36
PC Tag= CLAUDE
AIM=Claudeboy88</center>

Message Edited on 12/02/0310:19PM by Claudeboy88

XyZspineZyX
12-02-2003, 02:08 AM
ok you asked for the lame joke... now feel the consequences...


a korean student wanted to learn english and hired an english tutor. on the first day of class, the tutor decided to build up a friendly relation and took the student to McDonalds.

the tutor told the student, "go buy us our lunch. i want a salad." and the student left.

the student happened to be a vegetarian, but he did not know the english word for vegetarian. when he was looking at the menu and noticed that most of the food there were packed with meat. so he went up to the counter and said

"one salad... no chicken... no pork... no beef..."

so the counter lady asked "oh, are you a vegetarian?"



the korean replied "No, i'm korean"

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg


Can't forget about it



http://www.harrelsonfamily.com/USA/bush_ashganistan.jpg

XyZspineZyX
12-02-2003, 02:10 AM
Awesome Thread!

I'll add to it!/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



An Irish man walks into a bar, and orders three beers. He drinks them one after another. This goes on every satuday, and then one day the bartender says to him:


Bartender: Sir, if you drink them like that, then they'll all go flat

Irish Man: No no no!..See, these two other beers represent my brothers, so I'll know that we're keep together


And so this continued for many weeks, until one day, he walked in, and only ordered two beers...

The men in the bar watched sadly, as if they feared that one of the brothers had died...

The bartender came up to him...

Bartender: Sir, I offer you my condolences...

Irish Man: No no no! See, I joined Alcoholics Annonymous, but my other brothers didn't!


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

<center><FONT COLOR="#B8860B">[b]<font size="1">http://www.desiredfx.net/sigs/files/furiousgopher.jpg
Don't Make The Gopher Furious
Forum Gopher

XyZspineZyX
12-02-2003, 07:26 AM
<font color="#00FF00">Ok gentleman/ladies as much as I enjoy the very worst of jokes weather there sexual or any other subject just remember all ages read the forums. Before posting your jokes please make a decision as to it's gutter humour rating and can be viewed my minors. I will no longer give a explanation but simply delete the post without warning so if this happens to your joke I have deemed it to have crossed the line</font>

PS: I feel bad laughing so much while deleting a joke because I know some of you will not see it before it gets deleted/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
12-02-2003, 09:23 PM
OK, here's a stupid blonde joke:


Q: Why is there seventeen blondes waiting outside the disco?

A: You can't get in untill you're eighteen!


(you might want to replace the numbers with 20 and 21 if you are a US resident)

Please, please, please, just let there be one that haven't heard it before. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/270382/XCJME-southparkyankees.JPG

"Screw you guys - I'm going home!"

XyZspineZyX
12-03-2003, 02:29 AM
LOL /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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Forum: http://thejackel21.proboards25.com/ </center>


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XyZspineZyX
12-03-2003, 02:35 AM
The groom lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while
his wife stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

"Come to bed, darling," he whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde wife - "my mother told me that this
would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it!"


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-03-2003, 07:36 AM
I still love this one:

A Nun and a Preacher and a Rabbi all walked into a bar.

The Bartender looked up and said:
"What is this, a joke?"

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif
This joke kills me, it just kills me. The Bartender looks up and says, ("I wish someone would>")


"Hey, I resemble that remark: (Leep walks out in a huff)
(You know how hard it is to find a huff nowadays?) /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Leep Out:


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/leep/LEEP3.jpg

XyZspineZyX
12-03-2003, 04:35 PM
Lol guys....

Snipe, so sorry for the joke that was just a bit too much...


Two others then....:

---------------------------------------------
TO DO IS TO BE - Socrates
TO BE IS TO DO - Sartre
DOO BEE DOO BEE DOO - Sinatra

---------------------------------------------

Visit the Doctor:


Man: Doc, do You think I could live for another 40 years?

Doc: Are you a drinker??

Man: No!

Doc :Are you a smoker??

Man: No!

Doc: Have a girlfriend, besides your wife?

Man: No!

Doc: Well, why would you want to live for another 40 years?


PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646

XyZspineZyX
12-03-2003, 10:57 PM
ok maybe there's a little language involved in this one, but i hope people are mature enough to read this (if you're old enough to play GR, you should be old enough to already be exposed to this kind of stuff)

a nun and a businessman was in an elevator. the nun says, "TGIF, Thank God It's Friday~!"

but then the businessman says "SH_T!!!"

the nun turned to the man and scorned at him, "NO NO NO YOU MUSNT SWEAR!!!"


the businessman turned to the nun and said "Oh no, i meant Sorry Honey, It's Thursday"

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg


Can't forget about it



http://www.harrelsonfamily.com/USA/bush_ashganistan.jpg

XyZspineZyX
12-04-2003, 02:55 AM
@pme np buddy but I was wetting myself reading it/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

@BP Hehe thats clean

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XyZspineZyX
12-04-2003, 02:08 PM
Thought this one was funny too!


http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/295595/Mnt.Rushmore.jpg

PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646

XyZspineZyX
12-06-2003, 03:48 AM
Paul that's me third from the right/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif


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XyZspineZyX
12-06-2003, 06:48 AM
Another one.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif


The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group
of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.

When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?"
The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.

About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion!
People were running helter skelter.
He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"


http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-06-2003, 07:39 AM
Ummm, ewww... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

http://volcano.photobucket.com/albums/v11/MovingWeapon/Copy_of_Cdnsniper11v2.JPG

XyZspineZyX
12-06-2003, 11:40 PM
...you guys are filling images in my head that'll haunt my therapy sessions for the rest of my human life

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg


Can't forget about it



http://www.harrelsonfamily.com/USA/bush_ashganistan.jpg

XyZspineZyX
12-09-2003, 06:35 PM
Not sure how to keep this one clean...snipe will kill it if it is not appropriate so here it is:

A man was "blazing" down the street, (as in 2 kph/mph over the speed limit) Well, he went over a bridge, and behind the bridge was a policeman, with a radar gun. The cop pulled him over and asked, "What's yer hurry?" and the driver replied, " Late for work officer." So the cop asked him what he did for work and the guy answered, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "Good God, replied the policeman, what kind of work is that?"

The man calmly explained, " What I do is take the client and insert my first finger into the rectum, them my second and third fingers, my pinky, and them my thumb, so i soon have my whole hand in his rectum. Then as I work my second hand in, I stretch that rectum so wide, slowly making it biger, bigger and bigger...till' it is about 6 feet in diamiter."

The cop was SHOCKED. He asked, what in the heck do you do with a 6 foot @sshole?

The driver replied," Park him behind a bridge with a radar gun."

Look us up

http://dowteam.us/

XyZspineZyX
12-11-2003, 02:22 PM
What 'bout this one...:

------------------------------------


"Aussies ain't stupid"


An Aussie is enjoying his breakfast of coffee, croissants, butter and jam, when a Dutchman, chewing gum, sits down and starts a conversation without being asked.

Dutchman: So,..you Assies eat the whole bun huh?

Aussie: But ofcourse...?!

Dutchman (blowing bubbles with his gum): ..in Holland we only eat the inside of the bun, we save up the rest in containers and recycle them, bake new breads of it and sell them to Australia.

Dutchman: I see you eat your bun with jam?!
Aussie: But ofcourse...?!

Dutchman (still annoyingly playing with his chewinggum):
We don't. We only eat fresh fruit, save up all the rest in containers, recycle it, make jam of it and sell it to Australia.

Aussie (irritated): Do you have sex in Holland?

Dutchman: Yes ofcourse?!

Aussie: ...and what do you do with your condoms?

Dutchman: ...throw them away..?!

Aussie: We don't. In Australia we save it all up in big containers, recycle them, make gum of it and sell it to Holland.




Message Edited on 12/11/0303:30PM by pme

XyZspineZyX
12-11-2003, 05:55 PM
LMAO /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif



UUUmmmmmm...r u Dutch /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-11-2003, 05:58 PM
If you are.... want some chewy...<image src="http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/1.gif">

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-11-2003, 11:06 PM
HAHAHA /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg


Can't forget about it



http://www.harrelsonfamily.com/USA/bush_ashganistan.jpg

XyZspineZyX
12-12-2003, 02:59 AM
/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Nice one, pme! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

<center><FONT COLOR="#B8860B">[b]<font size="1">http://www.desiredfx.net/sigs/files/furiousgopher.jpg
Don't Make The Gopher Furious
Forum Gopher

XyZspineZyX
12-12-2003, 05:25 AM
Paul L/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif L I liked that one thx.

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XyZspineZyX
12-12-2003, 01:27 PM
Digger,..

Yes I am Dutch and...euhmmm...no thanks /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif No gum for me for a while! lol /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Thought you'd like that one Snipe.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

PME a.k.a. SPIK@

"Are you feeling lucky today,..punk?!"

SPIK@'s - GR Weapon Models:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=435646

XyZspineZyX
12-13-2003, 04:51 PM
The local mailman had a 10 year anniversary, and was invited to a cup of morning coffee by a lovely young lady.
After the breakfast, the woman suddenly asks; how about a quickie?
The mailman is a little perplexed, but politely answers "yes, of course" and they get on with business.
When they´re done, the woman gives him a 10$ note and congratulates him on his anniversary.
The mailman, now even more perplexed exclaims; hey, great sex, but what´s up with the money?
The woman calmly explains that when she asked her husband what they should do about the anniversary, the husband said "screw him....give him 10 bucks".......The coffe was my idea, she said. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

[EDIT] This was loosely translated from danish, so I hope it still works...

------------------------------------------------

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

Message Edited on 12/13/0305:12PM by DawgFace

XyZspineZyX
12-22-2003, 03:46 PM
Okay. This thread has been very funny and I don't know why I've never read it before. I thought I'd add to it, but I was struggling to keep it clean enough to stop Snipe deleting the post... So unfortunately, this is the best I can offer:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. The policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Police Christmas Ball."

He replied, "No madam, policemen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his ticket book, got back in his patrol car and left...

OR...

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"



Message Edited on 12/22/0302:48PM by Gav80

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 04:38 AM
Roflmao Gav/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 10:43 AM
If you want one to be disappointed at, you could have the one I got in my Xmas cracker last night:

Q - Why did the chicken step onto the football (I guess you'd call it "soccer", but the distinction between sports isn't important here) field?

A - Because the referee had whistled for a fowl...

I didn't think it was very funny either, but if I had to suffer, so do the rest of ya! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 11:03 AM
Alright, not strictly speaking a "joke", but funny, and with festive relevance. For these reasons, I trust Snipe in his infinite wisdom will accept that this is on-topic and not delete the post. Or rather, off-topic, otherwise I've posted in the wrong forum.

Since we've already been warned about the content of our posts in this thread, I feel it's only fair to point out that little children (I'm looking at you Matt!) shouldn't read any further.

Okay? Here we go...

<u>An Engineer's View of Santa Claus</u> (I'm an engineer by the way)

No known species of reindeer can fly (Lap will confirm this). BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. Therefore, it would be churlish to discount the possibility.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) world-wide average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical and would be the smart thing to do). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding the reindeer etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. Unless trying to escape from Lap of course. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds - I'll keep it imperial rather than metric as I know many people have trouble with the new system that's only been around for 30 or so years), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) may pull TEN TIMES the normal amount; we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons (assuming that a flying reindeer weighs the same as a conventional one). Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the cruise ship, not the monarch - posting in the UK, saying such a thing could get me executed for treason!).

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. But on a much larger scale. The lead pair of reindeer (who bear the brunt in such situations) will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION megajoules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The result is that the entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 nanoseconds (sorry Lap). Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. For the 4.27 nanoseconds required for it to be his turn to absorb 14.3 quintillion megajoules per second.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's been vaporized by now... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 12:43 PM
Thank god I'm a boilermaker!!!!

I didn't understand a word of it, so i guess Santa's still comin' /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


That bit about reindeers vapourizing's pretty funny though /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif ....hell of a barbie!!! Whooooooot!

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 01:23 PM
Yeah, and that smell of charred flesh all around the globe as well. Just don't hang your washing out to dry on Xmas Eve, or you get reindeer fallout all over your shirts!

And just coz you don't understand it doesn't mean it didn't happen - just ask all the ships and planes lost in the Bermuda triangle... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 01:40 PM
Like it Gav/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif but can I add one more point! When I was a kid (still am) Santa back then was a few bread slices short of a sandwich, so how on earth does he remember all the addresses as well?

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XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 01:47 PM
He has a GPS system built into the sleigh...

Lets face it, if the guy can exercise sufficient control 214,200 reindeer to drive a 353,000 ton sleigh at 650 miles per second, finding his way to Li'l Snipe's house isn't going to be much of a challenge, is it??

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 02:38 PM
Gav this is my whole point I'm confused! When I used to sit on his lap and he would ask if I had been a good boy and what did I want Santa to bring me. Well! I could even at that tender age baffle him with BS and he just nodded as if he new and he sure was marbles short of a game so it's got me beat how he pulls the above off/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

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XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 03:29 PM
No, he knew all along that you were just feeding him a string of BS. He just chose to ignore it. You might have eaten two bags of crisps in a single day, or beaten up your little brother to steal his chocolate or whatever, but you hadn't gone out and mugged an old lady, or shot at his reindeer with your air gun. So, by comparison with some of the other kids he knew, you hadn't been that bad at all, so he chose to ignore it.

Take me for example. I told him every year that I'd been good, but every time he just seemed to know somehow that I was lying and that really I'd overthrown the government, introduced all sorts of new taxes to fund my Ferrari-fanatisism, gunned down half a dozen nuns in cold blood and blown up a hospital. No presents for me. Except one year, when he figured I'd been so bad he better give me the best present ever in case I put a contract out on his head... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 05:19 PM
I guess we'll find out tomorrow if he's a fraud or not...

I get vet.... he's a goa!

No vet.... I ain't never gonna wriggle lots on his knee again!!!!

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-23-2003, 05:43 PM
That's where you've been going wrong Digger - wriggling on his knee ain't what does it for Santa.

Ask Snipe what to do - he somehow managed to get made a moderator. Like asking Saddam Hussein to replace Kofi Annan at the UN, that is!! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

XyZspineZyX
12-24-2003, 05:02 PM
Gav80 wrote:

- Ask Snipe what to do - he somehow managed to get
- made a moderator. Like asking Saddam Hussein to
- replace Kofi Annan at the UN, that is!!


Mmm what are you saying sunshine/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif (adds one more mark against Gav's name)

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XyZspineZyX
12-25-2003, 02:31 AM
Gav, boy are you a dummy...everyone knows that santa stops time with his special powers...so he doesnt need to worry about driving to fast...regarding the reindeer situation...they arent normal reindeer and they too have special powers, that may i add come from the special reindeer food i leave out for them...


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif

<font face="verdana" size="0" color="00aa00">-Matt
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XyZspineZyX
12-25-2003, 02:57 AM
according to http://www.noradsanta.org/ Santa's in Peru.....he'll be here (eastern Canada) in no time.....i'm getting nervous.....gotta get to bed.......Have a safe and happy one everybody.......

boy i tell you....sometimes i don't feel 32

Message Edited on 12/24/0309:59PM by rennick

XyZspineZyX
12-30-2003, 05:25 PM
IDIOTS IN RETAIL:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature of the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.


-----------------

<font color="ffae00">Sportsguy AKA Sportsmurf
http://www.smurf.com/cgi-bin/rand_strip.cgi </font>

Moderator - cfbtalk.com > Think you know College Football? Well, show us what you've got - Michael "Sportsguy" Gabucci

<font color="ffae00">Disclaimer:
Unlike Digger, my post contains no traces of humor whatsoever. On a humor scale to 1-10, I would rate around a -58. If you are looking for something funny however, go talk to Snipe. I hear he smells funny.
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
12-30-2003, 06:26 PM
Idiot sighting #5:

It is believed their is still one smurf fan on the planet. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
01-05-2004, 04:22 PM
Another black mark against my name Snipe? Not again, surely? Haven't you run out of paper yet? There's so many of these black marks next to my name that you must've cut down a rainforest - or tied up the entire capacity of your hard drive...

Anyway. A blind man walks into a women-only bar (he didn't know it was women-only coz he was blind!). He found his way to the bar, and sat down on the stool. Ordering a drink, he casually asks if anyone would like to hear his blonde joke.

The bar goes deathly quiet, and you can almost see the tumbleweed blowing through. After a pregnant pause, a woman's voice is heard murmuring to the blind man.

"Before you continue with this joke, I feel I really ought to tell you that the barmaid here is blonde. As is the bouncer, who is very tall for a woman at 6' 2". I should also say that I too am blonde - and a black belt in karate. The woman to the other side of you is also blonde, and the national kick-boxing champion. One more thing - we've all had very bad days, and are suffering from PMT.

"So", she continues, "are you really sure you want to carry on with this joke?"

The blind man considers this for a moment whilst the rest of the bar waits with baited breath. "Thinking about it" he says, "if what you say is true, I don't think I'll bother. If you're all blonde I'd only have to explain it to you anyway..."

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
01-06-2004, 05:24 AM
/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
01-10-2004, 05:25 PM
I just want to show you the pictures which say: "The first joke can become true":
<img src=http://www.cuneo.us/tesmw/images/RGunny/Bush_1.jpg>
<img src=http://www.cuneo.us/tesmw/images/RGunny/Bush_2.jpg>

Urayn


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XyZspineZyX
01-10-2004, 11:40 PM
these are pretty simple and fairly old i think....but i found them funny nonetheless.....


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes, Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

XyZspineZyX
01-11-2004, 04:03 AM
LMAO /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Good ones! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/digger6991.jpg
<font size=-2>One more *sneaky* post towards "Veteran" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif
<font color="FFFF00">I would like to introduce my favourite little emoticon http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/pac1.gif I call her Pac Min. Yer, she has a problem keeping her mouth closed, but I wouldn't have it any other way...</font>
<font size=-2 color="97C9FF">Disclaimer:
Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions to humour, stay calm, elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line...
</Font>

XyZspineZyX
01-12-2004, 02:41 AM
Nice guys and I love bush and the binocs/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
01-12-2004, 07:54 PM
snipe21 wrote:
- Nice guys and I love bush and the binocs

What are Binocs?

Urayn

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XyZspineZyX
01-13-2004, 02:02 AM
Urayn wrote:
- snipe21 wrote:
-- Nice guys and I love bush and the binocs
-
- What are Binocs?

To Urayn,

Your telling me you have never heard binoculars referred to as Binocs/binos/nocs?/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
01-13-2004, 02:05 AM
Probably not Snipe - he's not a native English speaker.

"A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service of the Lord, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water."

XyZspineZyX
01-13-2004, 02:09 AM
Thx Geist that will explain allot/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
01-13-2004, 02:12 AM
In the same vein as Gav's joke...

Two nuns are repainting the rectory, and realize that they don't have coveralls or anything to cover their habits with. After a few minutes of trying to find other options, they decide to paint nude rather than spotting their habits.

So they doff their clothes and begin painting. After they had been painting a while, they heard a knock on the door.

They both froze, and called out "who is it?"

"Blind man," came the reply through the door.

With the relief, one of the nude nuns opens the door.

In the doorway is a man wearing coveralls and carrying tools, who stares at the nude woman.

"Nice edited for a PG rating - but you can guess, where do you want me to hang the blinds?" /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

"A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service of the Lord, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water."

XyZspineZyX
01-22-2004, 08:31 AM
lol thats funny

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 01:42 PM
A historian, an engineer and a statistician are duck hunting. A duck rises from the lake. The historian fires first, and shoots 3m over the duck. Then the engineer shoulders the shotgun and shoots 3m under the duck.

The statistician exclaimed "got him!"...



Message Edited on 02/06/0408:45AM by Gav80

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 01:53 PM
Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."


Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"



She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 01:58 PM
A group of statisticians and a group of epidemiologists were riding together on a train to a conference. All the epidemiologists had tickets, but the statisticians only had one ticket between them.

Inquisitive by nature, the epidemiologists asked the statisticians how they were going to get away with such a small sample of tickets when the conductor came through. The statisticians said, "Easy. We have methods for dealing with that."

Later, when the conductor came to punch tickets, all the statisticians slipped quietly into the bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door, the head statistician slipped their one ticket under the door thoroughly fooling the layman conductor.

After the conference was over, the statisticians and the epidemiologists again found themselves on the same train going home. Always quick to catch on, the epidemiologists had purchased one ticket between them. The statisticians (always on the cutting edge) had purchased NO tickets for the trip home. Confused, the epidemiologists said to the statisticians "We understand how your methods worked when you had one ticket, but how can you possibly get away with no tickets?"

"Easy," replied the statisticians smugly, "we have different methods for dealing with that situation." Later, when the conductor was in the next car, all the epidemiologists trotted off to the bathroom with their one ticket and all the statisticians packed into the other bathroom. After a minute or two, the head statistician crept over to where the epidemiologists were hiding and knocked authoritatively on the door. As they had been instructed, the epidemiologists slipped their one ticket under the door. The head statistician took the epidemiologists' one and only ticket and returned triumphantly to the statistician group. Of course, the epidemiologists were subsequently discovered and publicly humiliated.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Do not use statistical methods unless you understand the principles behind them...

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 02:03 PM
Lol, MsUnderstood, very amusing... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

I'm spotting a trend though - women outsmarting their husbands and getting the last laugh - frequently cruelly. Should we read anything into that?? /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 02:21 PM
lol nah nothing to worry about....women outsmarting their husbands is just natural progression, its just the way it is and always has been /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 02:54 PM
Just had this emailed to me by my boss... Perhaps one just for Brits, but funny regardless...

Tony Blair steps out onto Downing Street in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, in front of No. 10, he sees "The Prime Minister Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Tony is, understandably, not best pleased. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front doorstep! And they wrote it in urine! He must've had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Tony hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr Blair, sir, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Tony says "Doesn't really matter. Give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Prescott's."

Blair says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! One of my own Ministers! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Cherie's handwriting..."

XyZspineZyX
01-29-2004, 09:05 PM
A woman walks into a sex shop, looking for some new toys.
She asks the shop keeper if theres anything in particular he can recommend.
He shows her a wall filled with vibrators, and starts explaining.
Theres one for every taste, and in different price ranges.
"See the red one there, for example. It´s pretty straightforwars and cost 20 bucks". "Now the blue one over there, thats a different story. It´s a bit more advanced, and cost 40 bucks".
The woman asks a little shy "What about the chrome one over in the corner?"
The shop keeper turns around and yells at the back of the shop: "Hey Fred....how much for your thermos!!!"

------------------------------------------------

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
Then imagine a sneezing sperm whale....POW /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
01-30-2004, 01:51 AM
L/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif L Guys and I like yours DF



I'm re-posting the below to make sure you all stick within boundaries.

<font color="#00FF00">Ok gentleman/ladies as much as I enjoy the very worst of jokes weather there sexual or any other subject just remember all ages read the forums. Before posting your jokes please make a decision as to it's gutter humour rating and can be viewed my minors. I will no longer give a explanation but simply delete the post without warning so if this happens to your joke I have deemed it to have crossed the line </font>

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XyZspineZyX
01-30-2004, 02:21 AM
I got a new car radio for Christmas and its real smart.

You Shout "Country", it plays Willie Nelson.

You shout "Rock" and it plays The Rolling Stones.

Some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "F*&(* KIDS!" and it played Michael Jackson!"
_________________


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XyZspineZyX
01-30-2004, 08:39 AM
Yer sorry to hear about Uncle Mick Claude.

Look on the bright side mate, just because you can't have sleep overs at Never Land any more doesn't mean alls lost. You could always visit Disney Land or if its the personal touch your after you could always become an altar boy.

Things will get better, you just have to be patient./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

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Disclaimer: Please be advised that the above post may contain traces of humour. If you suffer any adverse reactions
to humour, stay calm,elevate any areas of swelling and/or ulcerations and promptly call the poisons information line... </font> </div>

XyZspineZyX
02-06-2004, 02:58 AM
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They
were determined to make this a real vacation by not
wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in
their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini
came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed
them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?.

So the next day, they went back to the store and
bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so
loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach
in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a string, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk
away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and
said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed
as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine." she replied.

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XyZspineZyX
02-06-2004, 09:48 AM
Hmmm... I gotta start paying more attention to nuns... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

XyZspineZyX
02-17-2004, 03:21 PM
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so she could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

XyZspineZyX
02-18-2004, 08:19 AM
Mark, I'm looking at you here... /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

<Center><font color = #00FF00><u>The Rural Australian Thesaurus of Computer Terminology</u></font>

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any,cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up </center>

Peanut_Budder
02-18-2004, 03:09 PM
haha there's a similar one...


The real meaning of Computer Terms


Log on - Make the fire hotter

Log off - Don't add any more wood

Monitor - Keep an eye on that fire

Download - Getting the firewood off the bakkie

Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carring too much firewood

Ram - The thing that splits the firewood

Hard Drive - Getting home in a heavy rain storm

Prompt - What the postal service used to be

Window - What to shut when it's cold outside

Screen - What to shut in mosquito season

Byte - What the mosquitoes do

Bit - What the mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What the Mocambiquean mosquitoes do

Chip - Something you eat

Micro Chip What's left in the bag after you eat the crisps

Modem - What you did to the hay fields

Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the kitty sleeps

Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at the Wimpy

Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Enter - City talk for - "come on in, eh"

Web - What a spider makes

Web site - The shed or the attic

Cursor - Someone who swears

Search Engine - What you do when the car dies

Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen

Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field

Upgrade - Steep hill

Server - The person at the Wimpy that brings the food

Mail Server - The guy at the Wimpy that brings the food

MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered

Sound Card - One them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it .

User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff

Browser - What they call you when your eye brows grow together

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When a fish manoeuvres out of reach

Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the washline

Off line - When the clothes pegs let go and the laundry falls on the ground

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg

legion7_
02-18-2004, 08:59 PM
LMAO PB...you come up with that on your own?

http://mysite.verizon.net/vze85gwy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/sig.gif

Peanut_Budder
02-20-2004, 12:34 AM
haha naww, i found those online...


BUT!!!!!!! ive just come up with something that i can proudly say that i designed!!!


Hertz - When you drop a log on your foot

Megahertz - When you drop a REALLY BIG log on your foot

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid38/peb74ef3fbb6a2510dbb4d0e1cc77107f/fd148b6d.jpg

Gav80
02-20-2004, 02:53 AM
Lol PB... I think your additions are actually better than the original list! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Gav80
02-20-2004, 05:20 AM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

"Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

I'm sure you can all guess what happened... http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif

snipe21
02-20-2004, 09:33 AM
Lhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifL Guys that was a funny read http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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Gav80
02-20-2004, 09:57 AM
We aim to please... http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

No, not in that way... http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif

cobaka
02-20-2004, 10:26 AM
An eskimo is having some car trouble, so he takes it into shop. The mechanic says "I'll take a look at it. Come back in a couple minutes". While he's waiting, the eskimo notices the garage has a mini-mart attached, so he goes in for a snack. A bit later, he goes back into the garage. The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says "looks like you blew a seal". The eskimo (a bit self-consciously) wipes his chin and says "Oh...no, that's just ice cream".

A man only needs one rectum. - F. Salter, "Recon Scout"

http://www.justresting.com/pictures/JustResting2.jpg

Leep
02-25-2004, 10:49 PM
Well you know I only tell clean jokes and they arent usually that funny-but here goes.
A lady had a parrot and all it could say was "Who's there?"
She had to go shopping and since the plumber was due soon she was in a hurry.
But, she ran a kittle late. The plumber walked up to the door and knocked. The parrot said, "Who's there?"
"It's the Plummer."
"Who's there?"

"Its the Plummer, lady."
Who's there, whos there?"
"IT'S THE PLUMMER, ITS THE PLUMMER, HE SCREAMED." WITH THAT HE FAINTED.
The lady came home a minute later and looking down at the man said. "I wonder who that is?"

The Parrot said, "It's the Plummer."

Sheesh-it looks lamer than it sounds. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Leep Out:

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/leep/LEEP3.jpg

Peanut_Budder
02-25-2004, 11:40 PM
now this is going to be kinda hard and lame considering how much i had to fix so it's "Ubi-Friendly"

Great Minds:

now i wont say what i changed, but you'll probably know... (psst, word starts with S)

TAOISM: "Crap" happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Crap happens".
ZEN: (What is the sound of crap happening?)
ISLAM: crap won't happen if you let us hijack this flight!
JUDAISM: Why does crap always happen to me?
NIHILISM: Who needs this crap?
HINDUISM: This crap has happened before.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this crap!


http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif now this is all in good fun, dont take it offensively!

http://gallery.cybertarp.com/albums/userpics/17045/BWPBSig1JPG.jpg

snipe21
02-26-2004, 07:07 AM
Haha guys and if your all wondering why I do note add allot of jokes to this thread it's because I can't clean them up enough without them losing there punch lines. Not to mention I hear joke all day long and there in one ear and out the other long forgottenhttp://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/crazy.gif

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digger69
03-18-2004, 03:21 AM
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

digger69
03-18-2004, 09:39 AM
One day Little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate "Whatcha doin?" he asks.Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your (rude word) cat!"

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

digger69
03-18-2004, 06:09 PM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

Gav80
03-19-2004, 02:00 AM
Lol Digger... Good one! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

I'd just like to point out that I don't own a Mercedes, and never have...

Gav80
03-19-2004, 02:01 AM
Lol Digger... Good one! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

I'd just like to point out that I don't own a Mercedes, and never have... http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif

digger69
03-19-2004, 03:14 AM
lol Gav

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

digger69
03-19-2004, 03:14 AM
lol Gav http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

Gav80
03-19-2004, 03:33 AM
Double post Digger? Are you taking the pi$$?? http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

digger69
03-19-2004, 03:44 AM
Would I do that! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

Gav80
03-19-2004, 04:06 AM
Nah, never! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

digger69
03-19-2004, 04:12 AM
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
Tourist: "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
Guide: "That depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

Ms.Underst00d
03-19-2004, 05:10 AM
Alligators
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you 'kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?" "Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them BMW and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

http://www.bigbutton.com.au/~evilazz/understood_oval.jpg
http://www.jippy.com/u.php?uin=872668&forcerefresh=1

Ms.Underst00d
03-19-2004, 05:12 AM
Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.



Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.



"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.



"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.



"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"



"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."



"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.



"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.



"Could I see him?"



So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.



Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"



"Yes I will", says the genie.



So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.



The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.



Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks, flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"



Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, Sven, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic

http://www.bigbutton.com.au/~evilazz/understood_oval.jpg
http://www.jippy.com/u.php?uin=872668&forcerefresh=1

digger69
03-19-2004, 07:18 AM
LMFAO!!!!! http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Thats a classic!!!!!!!!

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

princecoo
03-19-2004, 07:25 AM
There was once a handsome young man who had everything he ever wanted. Lots of pretty girls, his own sports car collection, several mansions and beach houses and more wealth than anyone.

Despite all that was good in his life, the handsome young man was troubled by one thing... A giant golden screw right where his belly-button was supposed to be.

He couldn't understand why he was cursed with the golden screw, when everyone else had a normal belly-button. So one day he decided to go up onto the hill that overlooked the valley, and ask God to grant him his one wish... To be rid of the giant golden screw.

After a long and tiring journey, the handsome young man finally made it to the top of the hill. He stood there and cried out, "God! Why have you given me such a horrible thing? I ask of you, please, remove this golden screw that has been making me so unhappy!"

There was a reply. "IT MAY BE SO. TAKE THIS GIANT GOLDEN SCREWDRIVER AND UNSCREW THE OBJECT THAT HAS BEEN TORMENTING YOU FOR SO LONG, MY SON."

And out of the heavens, a giant golden screwdriver lowered itself down majestically upon a cloud. The handsome young man reached out and picked it up, and guided it to the giant golden screw.

He slowly began to turn the screwdriver. Once, twice, three times! The screw popped out!



and his bum fell off.

"Be the best, be SAS!"

Notability
03-19-2004, 10:48 AM
Q. why do blonde girls always have bruises around their belly button?

A. Blonde guys are stupid too!

heh great threads ;o]

digger69
03-19-2004, 11:58 AM
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.

Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

kllr-teddy
03-19-2004, 06:39 PM
Somthing I found in my spare time....


Arkansas scholars


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Trying to find the rainbow connection...

-kllr-teddy

Ms.Underst00d
03-22-2004, 10:19 AM
How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket:

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked.....

Cop: "What's your hurry?"

Me: "I'm late for work."

Cop: "What do you do?"

Me: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

Cop: "A what?

Me: "A rectum stretcher?"

Cop: "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Me: "Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work

side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Cop: "And just what do you do with a six-foot *******?

Me: "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge "

Court costs: $45.00

Traffic ticket: $95.00

Increase In Insurance: $145.00

Look on cop's face: Priceless

http://www.bigbutton.com.au/~evilazz/understood_oval.jpg
http://www.jippy.com/u.php?uin=872668&forcerefresh=1

digger69
03-22-2004, 10:54 AM
Check page 2 FP. http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

http://www.arach.net.au/~allanb/gr/mongo.jpg
GOA Mongo, COGMOD Special Forces

Ms.Underst00d
03-22-2004, 11:49 AM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif i know im useless

http://www.bigbutton.com.au/~evilazz/understood_oval.jpg
http://www.jippy.com/u.php?uin=872668&forcerefresh=1

kllr-teddy
03-22-2004, 02:12 PM
http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif ha ha ha http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif coming out of the dark?


I'm just kidding.... if you wernt here... who else would spam.... http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/59.gif http://ubbxforums.ubi.com/images/smiley/mockface.gif

Trying to find the rainbow connection...

-kllr-teddy