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MB_Avro_UK
09-14-2005, 11:54 AM
My father flew DC3s (Dakotas) with British European Airways in the early 1950s. They were ex RAF glider tugs and had a warning on the instrument panel about the release of a glider at certain speeds!

Here's a true story. A new stewardess was onboard so both pilots decided that they would give her a fright. They opened the side cockpit windows (aircraft was not pressurised of course),set autopilot,pressed the summons button for the stewardess then they hid in the two cockpit uniform lockers. The stewardess opened the cockpit door to find an empty and abandoned aircraft with the windows open http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

This would not of course be allowed today http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

Regards,
MB_Avro

MB_Avro_UK
09-14-2005, 11:54 AM
My father flew DC3s (Dakotas) with British European Airways in the early 1950s. They were ex RAF glider tugs and had a warning on the instrument panel about the release of a glider at certain speeds!

Here's a true story. A new stewardess was onboard so both pilots decided that they would give her a fright. They opened the side cockpit windows (aircraft was not pressurised of course),set autopilot,pressed the summons button for the stewardess then they hid in the two cockpit uniform lockers. The stewardess opened the cockpit door to find an empty and abandoned aircraft with the windows open http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

This would not of course be allowed today http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

Regards,
MB_Avro

-HH-Dubbo
09-14-2005, 11:59 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

F0_Dark_P
09-14-2005, 12:09 PM
that was plain evil http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

fluke39
09-14-2005, 12:17 PM
Hehe.. nice one! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

woofiedog
09-14-2005, 01:22 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-surprised.gif... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Airmail109
09-14-2005, 01:25 PM
LMAO!

VonShlagnoff
09-14-2005, 02:14 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by MB_Avro_UK:
My father flew DC3s (Dakotas) with British European Airways in the early 1950s. They were ex RAF glider tugs and had a warning on the instrument panel about the release of a glider at certain speeds!

Here's a true story. A new stewardess was onboard so both pilots decided that they would give her a fright. They opened the side cockpit windows (aircraft was not pressurised of course),set autopilot,pressed the summons button for the stewardess then they hid in the two cockpit uniform lockers. The stewardess opened the cockpit door to find an empty and abandoned aircraft with the windows open http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

This would not of course be allowed today http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

Regards,
MB_Avro </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

OMG Avro my grandfather was a steward with BEA from the start he flew on DC3s his name is Eric Winsper whats your Dads name they probably knew each other it was only a small outfit. My wifes uncle was an egineer with the airline too/

MB_Avro_UK
09-14-2005, 02:26 PM
Hey von

pm me. The story is true!! My father is alive and well.We share a beer or three regularly! He is an ex Meteor pilot which was a good grounding for the Dakota http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif

Best Regards,
MB_Avro

VonShlagnoff
09-14-2005, 04:35 PM
You got pm mate

waffen-79
09-14-2005, 06:36 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif LMAO I wish I could see her face

96th_Nightshifter
09-14-2005, 07:51 PM
LMAO - Awesome story http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

willyvic
09-14-2005, 07:56 PM
EP-3E backend aircrew, bout 15 at any given time, used to run to the back of the aircraft and then forward over and over when there was a nugget in the flight station. Drove em crazy trying to keep the bird in level flight.

wayno7777
09-14-2005, 09:40 PM
Good one!.... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

JG54_Arnie
09-15-2005, 12:32 AM
So what did she do? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Grab a parachute and bail out? http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

huggy87
09-15-2005, 11:59 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by willyvic:
EP-3E backend aircrew, bout 15 at any given time, used to run to the back of the aircraft and then forward over and over when there was a nugget in the flight station. Drove em crazy trying to keep the bird in level flight. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

THAT IS WHY SINGLE SEAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO FLY!

GreyFox5
09-15-2005, 12:58 PM
Sounds like a mess in your pants moment! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/blink.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

GH_Klingstroem
09-15-2005, 02:23 PM
My dad told me a story from the days when SAS (scandinavian airline) were operating the DC8s. They had a flight back from Tokyo, think it was in the 70s, and he bought oneof these robot toys that were popular at the time. You know these around 20cm tall ones that roll on wheels under their feet and have flashing lights and make funny noises... Anyway he opened the cockpit door and let it walk down the cabin. After something like 30 secs he came running out from the cockpit, looked all surprised and hysterical and started asking the passengers if anyone had seen the autopilot...
Hehe I find it hillarious!

waffen-79
09-16-2005, 02:38 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by GH_Klingstroem:
My dad told me a story from the days when SAS (scandinavian airline) were operating the DC8s. They had a flight back from Tokyo, think it was in the 70s, and he bought oneof these robot toys that were popular at the time. You know these around 20cm tall ones that roll on wheels under their feet and have flashing lights and make funny noises... Anyway he opened the cockpit door and let it walk down the cabin. After something like 30 secs he came running out from the cockpit, looked all surprised and hysterical and started asking the passengers if anyone had seen the autopilot...
Hehe I find it hillarious! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Killer Story m8 LOL

jimDG
09-16-2005, 06:28 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
A British Airways Constelation Pilot..or BOAC as I guess it was in the sixties taxies for take-off in Hamburg. Then he stops moving. The tower calls him and says something like:
"Flight BA123, pleaze proceed to taxivay 2A".."Flight BA123, dont ze know vere taxivay 2A iz, have you never been to Hamburg before"?
To which the pilot replies:
"I have, in '43, but I didn't stop"

huggy87
09-16-2005, 08:20 AM
I've got one from my Navy Primary flight training days. This happened at an outlying field near Whiting field (near Pensacola, Florida). Every time student solos were coming to practice landings at a field an instructor had to be on runway "wheels watch". A very boring duty. There were a lot of saudi students going through flight training at whiting. English was a second language and many of them spoke broken and heavily accented english.

One day the wheels watch instructor showed up at the field since a couple of solos, including a saudi student, were expected that day. About halfway through a typically boring watch the saudi comes in (with a thick accent) for a landing from the BACK seat of the T-34. The front seat was empty. The baffled instructor gave some excited words over the radio to the saudi student that amounted to WTF!? He received an accented "hold on, I switch seats" in reply. The student came back around for another landing. The instructor on the ground was shouting to him on the radio to wave off and go back to the home field. The student did a touch and go anyway. This time the front seat was occupied and the backseat empty. The furious and baffled instructor was screaming at the student and asked him how he got in the front seat. The screams of laughter he got in reply told him it was two instructors in the T-34 messing with him. They faked the accent, and one would bend down while the other would fly.

jimDG
09-16-2005, 08:39 AM
"Student pilot to tower - I'm out of fuel"
"Rgr, reduce speed and best glide; do you have the runway in sight?"
"Um, I'm on the southern ramp, I just wanted to know were the fuel is.."

PBNA-Boosher
09-19-2005, 06:35 PM
This actually happened to me recently, but I won't say which airport:

Tower: Cherokee 578, cleared for takeoff, runway 34, right closed traffic.

Me: Tower, Cherokee 578, roger cleared for takeoff, runway 34, right traffic.

I threw in the throttle and get myself airborne within a few hundred feet, starting my climb, they ask:

Tower: Cherokee 578, this is Tower, your landing gear is still down.

Me: Tower, the entire PA-28 Cherokee series are fixed gear aircraft.

Tower: Ooops.

wayno7777
09-19-2005, 08:43 PM
I like this thread....

TX-EcoDragon
09-20-2005, 11:41 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by PBNA-Boosher:

Me: Tower, the entire PA-28 Cherokee series are fixed gear aircraft.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, almost. . . the PA-28-200/PA28R-200/PA28R-201 are retractable gear Cherokees. If your's doesn't have wheel pants installed they may have thought you were in an Arrow. ;-)

major_setback
09-20-2005, 11:45 AM
More flight humour:

http://forums.ubi.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/23110283/m...831013913#2831013913 (http://forums.ubi.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/23110283/m/2831013913/r/2831013913#2831013913)

ddsflyer
09-20-2005, 11:54 AM
True story (they are often the best)

Lufthansa pilot on approach to Berlin in the 60's spoke German over the radio to the tower controller who in turn reminded him that English was the proper language to use in all aviation communications. The pilot, being unhappy about this, replied, again in German, "Seeing how this is a German airplane in German airspace talking to a German tower, why on earth should I have to speak English if I don't want to?" Shortly, an anonymous voice in a clipped British accent came on the radio and said "Because you lost the bloody war!"

ddsflyer
09-20-2005, 12:02 PM
Another one

United flight 905 landed at LAX, turned off the runway and contacted ground, a female controller. She gave UA905 a series of complicated taxi instructions and the pilot, rather than admit that he was unfamiliar with the airport, tried to follow them but took a wrong turn. Immediately the controller began a five minute diatribe in a shrill voice berating the pilot for his incompetence at following instructions and finally ended with "You just sit there until I am good and ready to give further instructions. Now, do you understand me?" A long silence ensued on the frequency as no one wanted to be the first to have to speak with this obviously very upset woman. Finally a little anonymous voice came on the radio and said, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

griego
09-20-2005, 01:05 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by MB_Avro_UK:
My father flew DC3s (Dakotas) with British European Airways in the early 1950s. They were ex RAF glider tugs and had a warning on the instrument panel about the release of a glider at certain speeds!

Here's a true story. A new stewardess was onboard so both pilots decided that they would give her a fright. They opened the side cockpit windows (aircraft was not pressurised of course),set autopilot,pressed the summons button for the stewardess then they hid in the two cockpit uniform lockers. The stewardess opened the cockpit door to find an empty and abandoned aircraft with the windows open http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

This would not of course be allowed today http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/cry.gif

Regards,
MB_Avro </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

The Pilots get stuck in there respected lockers and the stewardess see a parachute and puts it on and jumps out before hearing the frantic screams of the pilots as the plane plumits to the ground. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

ddsflyer
09-20-2005, 01:45 PM
Pilot: "I've lost myself and I don't know what to do."

Controller: "As soon as you find yourself you will know exactly what to do."

ddsflyer
09-20-2005, 01:54 PM
Conversation overheard in New York arispace.

The pilot, a Texan with a very slow, heavy drawl contacted New York approach for a pop-up instrument clearance into the area. The controller, with a Bronx accent gave him a lengthy and rapid-fire clearance and asked the pilot to repeat it back to him. The pilot in his slow drawl said, "Could y'all repeat the part from 'Cleared to' on back to me. Ah didn't quite get it all" The controller did as he requested even faster than the first time. Finally the pilot said, "Do y'all hear the way ah speaks?" The controller said "Yessir" The pilot then said, "Well, that's also the way ah listens."

MB_Avro_UK
09-20-2005, 05:15 PM
Great responses especially Major Setback...

Going back to my original post, there was a Captain who liked to leave the cockpit when airborne waving a white stick,wearing dark glasses and walking down the aisle.

Another Captain would walk from the cockpit carrying an empty crate of beer bottles.

These stories are true but from a bygone age. They would not happen today....but if they did...yay!!!!
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif
Regards,
MB_Avro

ddsflyer
09-29-2005, 12:00 PM
Post some more, I love this stuff.

Ob.Emann
09-29-2005, 11:21 PM
Aviation humor truly has no equal.

Old_Canuck
09-30-2005, 12:14 AM
Nominated best thread of the year.
http://www.filmsite.org/images/statuette.jpg

jimDG
09-30-2005, 08:30 AM
oldie but goodie (can be found many places on the net, like here: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp )

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks .After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.


Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!


Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

ddsflyer
09-30-2005, 10:24 AM
jimDG,

Great stuff!

sparty7200
09-30-2005, 11:38 AM
OMG... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

my stomach hurts!!!!!!!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

MB_Avro_UK
09-30-2005, 01:15 PM
I was on a flight recently when the Captain announced 'Wellcome aboard Flight***** to er,umm....er,umm....Munich!'

The passengers saw the funny side..

Best Regards,
MB_Avro

Jatro13th
09-30-2005, 03:12 PM
A true welcoming anouncement made by the two

pilots of Olympic Airways who happened to have

the most peculiar names I have ever heard. They

are strange even for me, and I am a Greek...


"Captain Mr Makaritis and 2nd Officer Mr Haros

would to welcome you on this flight of OA to

Athens..."

"Makaritis" in Greek is a euphemism for "dead".

"Haros" in Greek is the Grim Reaper.

I've travelled with both of them, but thank God

in different flights each!!!!!

Platypus_1.JaVA
09-30-2005, 04:02 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

I like this thread so much, I would like to contibute something myself. Anyways, let me start with teaching you a little Dutch. This story is rumored to have really happened with the Dutch Airforce (Klu or RNLAF)

The Dutch word for deer is "hert", pronounced like "hurt" but a bit diffrent. And the Dutch word for animal is "dier" wich is pronounced almost exactly the same as "deer".

AF pilot: Tower, do I have permission to take off?
Tower: No, there is a deer on the runway.
AF pilot: What kind of a deer?
Tower: Uhhmmm uuhhh, it's a hurt...

Platypus_1.JaVA
09-30-2005, 04:07 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by jimDG:
oldie but goodie (can be found many places on the net, like here: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp )


Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Action: Send her over, we'll check her out http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

jimDG
12-21-2005, 02:29 PM
..found some more:
(http://www.nickscipio.com/funstuff/aviation.html)

Pilot of N5000Y: €œFive thousand Yankee, 20 miles North of Richmond.€

Richmond ATC: €œOh no, not again.€

-----

Tower: €œDelta 351, you have traffic at 10 o€clock, 6 miles.€

Delta 351: €œGive us another hint. We have digital watches.€

-----

€œTWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.€

€œCenter, we€re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?€

€œSir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?€

-----

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: €œI€m f€¦ing bored.€

Ground Traffic Control: €œLast aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!€

Unknown aircraft: €œI said I was f€¦ing bored, not f€¦ing stupid.€

-----

O€Hare Approach Control to a 747: €œUnited 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o€clock, three miles, Eastbound.€

United 329: €œApproach, I€ve always wanted to say this€¦ I€ve got the little Fokker in sight.€

-----

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, €œWhat was your last known position?€

Student: €œWhen I was number one for takeoff.€

-----

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: €œAmerican 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.€

-----

There€s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running €œa bit peaked.€

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

€œAh,€ the fighter pilot remarked, €œthe dreaded seven-engine approach.€

-----

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, €œWhat, exactly, was the problem?€

€œThe pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,€ explained the flight attendant. €œIt took us a while to find a new pilot.€

-----

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): €œGround, what is our start clearance time?€

Ground (in English): €œIf you want an answer, you must speak in English.€

Lufthansa (in English): €œI am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?€

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): €œBecause you lost the bloody war.€

-----

Tower: €œEastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7€

Eastern 702: €œTower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.€

Tower: €œContinental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?€

Continental 635: €œContinental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern€¦ we€ve already notified our caterers.€

-----

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, €œWhat a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?€

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: €œI made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I€ll have enough parts for another one.€

-----

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one€s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: €œFrankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.€

Ground: €œSpeedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.€

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: €œSpeedbird, do you not know where you are going?€

Speedbird 206: €œStand by, Ground, I€m looking up our gate location now.€

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): €œSpeedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?€

Speedbird 206 (coolly): €œYes, twice in 1944, but it was dark€¦ and I didn€t land.€

-----

While taxiing at London€s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

€œUS Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it€s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!€

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: €œGod! Now you€ve screwed everything up! It€ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don€t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?€

€œYes, ma€am,€ the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: €œWasn€t I married to you once?€

-----

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

€œI€ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn€t really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.€

€œ90 knots,€ Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

€œ120 knots,€ Center answered.

We weren€t the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, €œAh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.€

There was a slight pause, then the response, €œ525 knots on the ground, Dusty.€

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

€œCenter, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?€

There was a longer than normal pause.

€œAspen, I show 1,742 knots.€

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

-----

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, €œHow do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, €œWe don€t plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it.€

He was cleared.

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, €œDo you know what I use this for?€

The navigator replied timidly, €œNo, what€s it for?€

The pilot responded, €œI use this on navigators who get me lost!€

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, €œWhat€s that for?€

€œTo be honest sir,€ the navigator replied, €œI€ll know we€re lost before you will.€

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Overheard at Paine Field, Everett, Washington (site of the Boeing 747 and 777 plant). Taylor Air is a flight service at Paine Field. United Airlines was just taking delivery of a brand new 747.

Taylor Air: €œTower, there is a turtle crossing runway 18.€

Tower: €œRoger Taylor 250. United 35 Heavy, you are cleared for take-off on Runway 18. Caution wake turbulence behind departing turtle.€