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View Full Version : It's getting boring out here... So some tales to laugh about.



FPSOLKOR
06-07-2007, 05:18 PM
--Go to maps.google.com
--Click on "get Directions".
--From "New York"
--To "Paris"
--And read line # 24.


In the end of 1970's new SA system was tested in the US. During first test it was unable to lock on to target helicopter, but it locked on to toillet ventilator about 800 meters away and successfuly hit the target.



When Su-24 was tested there was a repeated malfunction - and only if plane was piloted by Ilyushin - chief test pilot of Sukhoi beurau. Solution was simple - he was flying with more precision then it was programmed in the computer...


Pilot crashed his car. This is what he wrote in report:
I saw an incoming lorry, so i pressed right pedal and pulled the wheel...


W: Dear, i have two news - good and bad one. First - i'm leaving you...
H: Ok, what's the bad one?


Teacher asks pupils:
Who were your grand fathers during war?
1: He was a tank driver.
2: Not sure... Electrician maybe?
T: Why do you think so?
2: I saw his uniform and it has two lightnings on it...


My gramps is a true hero! He passed two wars before he switched computer off and went to bed...

Fighter pilot is about to retire. His wife is whining that he never took her in the air. He goes to base commander, arranges a two hour aerobatics flight in a two-seater and shows his wife all he can. After landing the woman is taken out of aircraft with no conscience, crapped herself and voimited in the cabin. Fighter comes to her and say:
Darling, what will you prefer today - a night of wild sex, or should we go to the theater?

Hitler is shouting at von Leeb:
Why Leningrad is still not taken?
L: My fuehrer! There is a red comissar Meddox with his latest patch... Stalingrad direction is a lot more promising - they still have 3.03 there...

Once a Tu-95 was intercepted by F-14 over carrier force. Tomcat pilot had nothing better to say than to suggest a Bear pilot to land for customs control. Now imagine what crew of american carrier thought when they saw a Tu-95 coming for landing? Everything ended quite well - bear flew home and it's crew even got awarded for exceptional photos of flight deck crew jumping overboard it brought home...

1944. American pilot returns from combat mission over Germany.
Tech asks: How many planes did you shot down?
Pilot: Four. Oh, yes, one of them was actually German!

1941. Russia. Winter. From burning german tank falls out tank crew member. After two minutes he climbs back into the burning tank.

Gramps? Tell us how you shot down two planes?
Hmmm... I did not shoot them down... I just forgot to refuel them...

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=890

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=614

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=650

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=543

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=565

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=566

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=567

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=532

http://www.by-airforce.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=415

PowerEaz
06-07-2007, 05:26 PM
Appreciated. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

waffen-79
06-07-2007, 05:35 PM
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p32/Waffen-79/camocat1um.jpg

This kat is undermodeled, BE SURE!

LOL pls keep em coming

joeap
06-07-2007, 05:46 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif Yes I like it.

tigertalon
06-07-2007, 05:59 PM
A true story:

In modern times a british pilot landed his business jet at Frankfurt international airport. ATC gave him directions after landing, but the pilot was very cautious and didn't immediately find his way around the place. ATC apparently had very thin nerves, and asked the pilot directly:"Why are you so slow, haven't you been to Frankfurt before?"
Pilot (with british accent):"Actually I have, twice, in 1944, but it was night and I didn't land."

FPSOLKOR
06-07-2007, 06:20 PM
A lady sitting next to the frightened passenger in the air liner:
Do not worry, i fly recently, this is a good company, their pilots know what they are doing...
P: Shut up! I'm a pilot myself! I know WHAT they are doing there!

Old lady flyes first time in a helicopter. After some time she tells pilot:
It's so windy here, could you switch that ventilator above us off?

Bush's speach in UN:
Our soldiers kill their commanding officers, we shoot down british planes and bomb their columns, our missiles hit Syria and bombs explode in Iran... And after all of this you dare to say that we do not like Iraq?

Dear Friends! Our liner has accomodations for 600 passengers, two libraries, 3 swimming pools, casino and a bar. And now, please, shut up as our pilots will try to get all this **** into the air...

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:
SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all ***ed up."
Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
(short pause)
IP: "My student said he was ****ed up; he didn't say he was stupid."

Air Force One

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base
"Requesting Radar".
"What is you position?" asked ATC
"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One
"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

Jack was a great pilot, and when war begun he was sent to the Navy. During his first fight he shot down 20 Japanese planes, but suddenly he noted that he is low on fuel. He landed and ran to the C-I-C.
- How did i do?
- Great! But you made crucial mistake with carriers...

How did you call this dogfight teqnique?
Stool-fight...

Ares_336sqn
06-07-2007, 07:21 PM
Originally posted by FPSOLKOR:
--Go to maps.google.com
--Click on "get Directions".
--From "New York"
--To "Paris"
--And read line # 24.


it is line #21:
Swim across the Atlantic Ocean 3,462 mi
Entering France
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

jimDG
06-08-2007, 02:25 AM
ROFL, the one about the burning tank had me cracking up http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

Someone should translate some Shtirlitz jokes here - crazyivan?

rnzoli
06-08-2007, 04:41 AM
ROFL, the one about the burning tank had me cracking up

*** Deleted ****

I don't want to ruin an otherwise witty joke, it made me smile too. Russian winters are overmodelled, be sure.

FPSOLKOR
06-08-2007, 08:17 AM
Originally posted by jimDG:
ROFL, the one about the burning tank had me cracking up http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

Someone should translate some Shtirlitz jokes here - crazyivan?

My best one is about von Leeb. About Shtirliz - it is quite difficult, since noone abroad knows who he is...

jimDG
06-08-2007, 09:16 AM
I think it's doable, in some cases:

Shtirliz (a Russian secret agent in the Abwehr), has a secret meeting with a contact man from Moscow, in a bar, in Berlin.
So he goes to the bar and orders a beer.
"We are out of beer', the barman says.
"A glass of wine, then",says Shtirliz.
"We are out of wine", replies the barman.
"I'll have a brandy", tries Shtirliz.
"We are out of brandy", replies the barman.
"Can I have a glass of rum, please?", says Shtirliz
"We are out of rum", says the barman.
"A tequilla?"
"We are out of tequilla",replies the barman.

"Aha!", thought Shtirliz, "my contact man is here, somewhere"

general_kalle
06-08-2007, 11:06 AM
i have a joke aswell.
i dont remember it exaktly but i think i can get the point out. its someposed to be a graveyard somewhere that people is stupid.


a Civilian Cessna plane have crashed into a graveyard digging itself down into the ground.

the investigaters have found over 100 corpses and are still digging them up

Blutarski2004
06-08-2007, 11:21 AM
Originally posted by jimDG:
I think it's doable, in some cases:

Shtirliz (a Russian secret agent in the Abwehr), has a secret meeting with a contact man from Moscow, in a bar, in Berlin.
So he goes to the bar and orders a beer.
"We are out of beer', the barman says.
"A glass of wine, then",says Shtirliz.
"We are out of wine", replies the barman.
"I'll have a brandy", tries Shtirliz.
"We are out of brandy", replies the barman.
"Can I have a glass of rum, please?", says Shtirliz
"We are out of rum", says the barman.
"A tequilla?"
"We are out of tequilla",replies the barman.

"Aha!", thought Shtirliz, "my contact man is here, somewhere"


..... Beautiful. Such humor knows no borders. Would love to read a few more.

Divine-Wind
06-08-2007, 05:40 PM
Took me a while to figure out the Winter one, but I LoL'd when I did. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/53.gif


Originally posted by jimDG:
I think it's doable, in some cases:

Shtirliz (a Russian secret agent in the Abwehr), has a secret meeting with a contact man from Moscow, in a bar, in Berlin.
So he goes to the bar and orders a beer.
"We are out of beer', the barman says.
"A glass of wine, then",says Shtirliz.
"We are out of wine", replies the barman.
"I'll have a brandy", tries Shtirliz.
"We are out of brandy", replies the barman.
"Can I have a glass of rum, please?", says Shtirliz
"We are out of rum", says the barman.
"A tequilla?"
"We are out of tequilla",replies the barman.

"Aha!", thought Shtirliz, "my contact man is here, somewhere"
More please. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

fabianfred
06-09-2007, 03:27 AM
Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

FPSOLKOR
06-09-2007, 04:16 AM
Gestapo blocked all the exits, but Shtirlitz left the building through the entrance...

jimDG
06-09-2007, 06:43 AM
3:00 A.M. Shtirliz is sleeping. There is a knock on the door of his appartmenet, then heavy banging and shouts. Shtirliz wakes up, goes to the door and asks "Who is it"? He looks through the spyhole and sees many men in black trenched coats with submachineguns.
"Gestapo! Open the door!"
"Who are you looking for?", asks Shtirliz.
"We are here to arrest Shtirliz! Open the door!"
"He's not in, right now..", says Shtirliz.
Disappointed, the Gestapo leave.
And so, this is how, for months on end, Shtirliz successfully avoided the Gestapo...
----
Shtirliz went to an SS cocktail party. Heidrich noticed him across the room and thought "What is this son-of-a-***** doing here?"
"It's none of your business", thought Shtirliz.

Divine-Wind
06-09-2007, 08:10 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

FPSOLKOR
06-09-2007, 10:15 AM
- Close your trousers, Shtierlitz! I can see your red underwear - said Himmler.
What he did not know, was the fact that Shtierlitz celebrate Red Army day this way for 20 years.

Himmler arrived at the Shtierliz's Villa and found it's owner completely drunk, sleeping on the floor with girls from near-by brothel. He also found a decipfered note from Kremlin on the table:
- Dear friend, you well accomlished your last mission. Feel free to relax!

jimDG
06-09-2007, 04:06 PM
Shtirliz went home, to his place. As he entered the bedroom he heard a sound coming from the wardrobe. He took a submachinegun and shot at the wardrobe, empting the whole clip.
He opened the wardrobe and saw radio-woman Kate lying dead inside.
A manly tear rolled down Shtirliz's cheek.
"I'll avenge you!", thought Shtirliz.

K_Freddie
06-09-2007, 06:20 PM
Gestapo: Old man, ve vant your veel !!
Old Man: I'm a vegetarian, I don't eat meat.
Gestapo: Silence Fool, Hans search ze premises
Hans: Jawohl... bang clash ... AH ZE VEEL
Old Man: Take the child leave the wheel
Gestapo: Old fool 'slap'
Old man: OOOOooooo
Gestapo: HANS...DESTROY ZE VEEL
Hans: Jawohl... Jericho sirens ...boomm blast bang

OK Who remembers this above sequence http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

FPSOLKOR
06-09-2007, 06:44 PM
Shtierliz recieved a radio from Moscow
- Shtierliz, you are a complete moron!
This was a way for Moscow to inform him about becoming a HSU.

Shtierliz made a cat drink benzine. Cat ran for 20 meters and died.
- Out of benzine, Thought Shtierliz

Muller asked Shtierliz
- Are you Jew?
- Russian!
- Do not worry, I'm German!

Shtierliz thought... He liked the feeling and he thought again.

Borman opened the door of his cabinet, and found there Shtierliz, who was looking through his documents.
- What are you doing here?
- Waiting for train.
Borman closed the door. When he returned an hour later there was noone in the cabinet.
- The train must have arrived thought Borman.

A note on the Stierliz's door
- If you will not pay your electricity bills we will switch your radio off!

April of 1945. As Shtierliz was going towards Berlin he saw firesgoing through the city and thought:
- Shyt! I forgot to switch iron off again!

major_setback
06-09-2007, 07:08 PM
Originally posted by jimDG:
Shtirliz went home, to his place. As he entered the bedroom he heard a sound coming from the wardrobe. He took a submachinegun and shot at the wardrobe, empting the whole clip.
He opened the wardrobe and saw radio-woman Kate lying dead inside.
A manly tear rolled down Shtirliz's cheek.
"I'll avenge you!", thought Shtirliz.


mmmm you do realize that this isn't the 'never ending plane story thread thing' don't you?

Blood_Splat
06-10-2007, 09:49 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyHPXnSCYX0