View Full Version : On The Lighter Side o' Flight

12-20-2004, 01:26 PM
This is an email i got some time ago, and i figured that with all this other garbage going on around the forums this might cheer up the place. make sure to leave a message, any message to keep this post on the front page and to push off the negative stuff to the next page.

p.s. i did copy and paste this e-mail. please dont sue me, Happy Holidays.

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "Us Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded. Naturally the
ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after
the verbal bashing of US Air 2771: Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway if you are able......If not, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the


Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
Frequency 124.7."

Easter 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the end of the

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger, and
yes, we copied Eastern......we've already notified our caterers."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206."

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 is clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha one-seven."

The BA 747 Pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.....I've got the
little Fokker in sight."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

alrighty if anyone has anymore make sure to post em. if not leave any message to keep this post on the front page.

Cheers, have some eggnog!

12-20-2004, 01:45 PM
LÍL that speedbird 206 was quite funny

12-20-2004, 02:08 PM
More! More! More!

12-20-2004, 02:19 PM
lol, i should have only released them one at a time. i may have more but i might have deleted em. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/51.gif

12-20-2004, 06:09 PM
I got a book somewhere about humour while flying, loads of funny real life flying stories. I'll hunt around for it and out some up here

12-20-2004, 06:15 PM
Thanks Dark Canuk!

I just got me a shiny new sig!

12-20-2004, 06:16 PM
Thought I'd add this. Pilot gripes and what the mechanics said in reply.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.