View Full Version : ATC transcripts.......

01-25-2007, 05:45 PM
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker,one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last
known position?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time ?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop

Ground: "Speedbird , do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

While taxiing at London's, Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't
I married to you once?"

01-25-2007, 07:00 PM
A 747 crew are instructed to wait for an F-27 to land before they can line up.

The F-27 makes a heavy landing, bouncing several times before finally coming to rest.

The 747 captain watching this says "Ouch! That was a bit of a Fokker!".

Unfortunately his mic was hot. Quick as a flash, the F-27 pilots snaps back -

"Yes, it was nearly the end of a beautiful Friendship!"

01-25-2007, 10:40 PM
Thanks Bearcat I needed a laugh!

01-25-2007, 11:27 PM
Good Stuff Bear, Thanks.

01-26-2007, 10:14 AM
Better than good....lmao, Thanks BC

01-26-2007, 07:16 PM
Ahem, it's not cockpit anymore, it's flightdeck. Gotta be PC ya' know! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif


01-26-2007, 09:30 PM
hell yeh

02-02-2007, 11:05 AM
Not really on topic, I know, but very funny also;

02-02-2007, 02:54 PM

02-02-2007, 03:40 PM
I got another one. But this requires some translation. It happened somewhere on a Dutch Air force base between the tower and a F-104 starfighter. It is a succes at certain parties if you tell this one:

Deer = Hert, pronounciation is somwhat similar to the english 'hurt'.
Animal = Dier, pronounced exactly like the english word 'deer'.

F-104: "Tower, do I have take-off clearance?"
Tower: "F-104, hold short, there is a deer on the runway"
F-104: "What kind of a dier?"
Tower: "Uhmmm well, it's a... hurt.."


02-03-2007, 01:32 AM
One I heard is a B-52 declaring an emergency coming into a US Air Base with an engine out. An F-18 pilot in the pattern is told to wait to land due to the B-52's predicament. His reply:

"Ah! The dreaded 7 engine approach!" http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif