View Full Version : OT: Needed aircraft humour while we await patch...

04-29-2005, 08:55 AM
You guys are gonna love this stuff.........

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IIF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

04-29-2005, 08:59 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Beauty!

Gotta love Qantas http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

04-29-2005, 09:28 AM
Now that helped start the mornning http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

04-29-2005, 09:50 AM
Thanks,great stuff!

04-29-2005, 10:44 AM
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Classic! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

04-29-2005, 11:28 AM
Took hammer away from midget..... http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

04-29-2005, 11:34 AM
These jokes are around for a long time now. By my own experience as an aircraft mechanic, I can tell that these "gripe sheets" are probably true. However, I suspect these jokes are around for maybe some decades. Probably from diffrent sources as well.

And a little something to remember flyboys, the aircraft belongs to the mechanic. We just lend it to you http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

04-29-2005, 03:17 PM
Page from The Wild Blue:

04-29-2005, 07:30 PM
Platypus,.......From the Navy safety center.

You might be a maintainer if,.....

You have slept on the concrete under a wing.
You have said, "Oh...yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
You have sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
You know what JP4 or JP8 tastes like.
You have used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
You have said, "My boots are black!" Or you have spray-painted them black.
You refer to a pilot as a "stick actuator."
You have been told to get "some prop wash and a yard of flightline."
You have worked a 14-hour shift on an aircraft that isn't flying the next day.
You have said, "As long as she starts every other try, you'll be fine sir."
You believe the aircraft has a soul.
You talk to the aircraft.
You defueled an aircraft an hour after refueling it.
The only thing you know about a city is where to find a cold drink and a quick bit to eat..
You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.
You have looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
You have wished one pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"
You take it as a badge of honor to be just called a "Det Hound."
You relieve yourself outdoors more often than indoors.
You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a maintainer.
You have worn someone else's hat to chow.
You have wiped down leaks just before a crew showed up.
You have stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
You have used ****s to trim a fingernail.
All you care about is the flight schedule and your days off.
You have slept in the afterburner of a spare engine during an exercise. The afterburner of an F-4 engine really isn't a bad place to sleep, in a pinch.

04-29-2005, 10:16 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

You might be a maintainer if,.....

That's my life right now. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/35.gif

04-30-2005, 01:29 AM
It's not from Qantas. IFF is a military term.
No such animal on a civil aeroplane.

Funny, though.

04-30-2005, 01:43 AM
From a Qantas cockpit/Heathrow ground.

After landing early morning at London Heathrow and taxying slowly to the parking gate, a red fox was observed slinking near the grassy area adjacent to the runway and heading to the runway. The QF F/O reported to ground control:
"Heathrow ground, you have a red fox about to cross rwy 09 left without a clearance"
The controller snapped straight back in an instant in a typically pukker British laconic fashion.
"Yes Qantas 1...it's not the fox we worry about, but the 40 hounds and men on horseback chasing him"

True story.
Love the Poms.

04-30-2005, 03:16 AM
Isn't this 'Pom' thing going a bit too far old chap.... After all, as a 'pom' I might find the term just a little offensive.
However old bean, if you could cast your mind back awhile to previous threads, you just might find reference to the jolly old sons of Nippon, being referred to as 'Japs' or 'Nips' and they find that very, very off beam you know!
Perhaps we can get the chaps upstairs to ban some more words like, 'Brit', as the American servicemen used to call us or 'Limey'!
One could go on banning words all day couldn't one? 'Yank, Ami, Aussie, Eyetie, Ruski....'
Well, 'BUNG HO EVERYONE'! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

Sorry, couldn't resist it blokes! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

Regards all,.... Dave S

04-30-2005, 09:52 AM
I married a Pom.

04-30-2005, 07:28 PM
Here I got some funny stuff I can add... more later.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


04-30-2005, 07:30 PM
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05-01-2005, 05:20 AM

05-01-2005, 08:46 AM

This now my favirate place now better than the guys at cafe trying to fix all troubles of world LOL http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

05-01-2005, 12:51 PM
The McDonald Douglas was actually posted on their website just before they merged with Boeing out of good humor by some techie. Word has it the company execs weren't to happy however...