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FPSOLKOR
04-26-2006, 02:23 PM
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Controller: "Delta 501, you are cleared to LAX via the Citrus3 departure, climb FL150 initially ..."
Pilot: "Delta 501, actually we want to fly to JFK!"
Controller: "But that's not what your flight plan says!"
Pilot: "Stand by ... Delta 501, we definitely fly to JFK, all the passengers say that!"

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck".

WDC Clearance Delivery: "German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say altitude?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say again altitude and heading?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude and heading."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say cancel IFR"
Eastern: "Center, This is Eastern 145 FL 310 heading 260."

First Pilot Voice : "Roger, I am holding at 3000 over NF beacon."
Second voice : "NO ! You can't be doing that ! I AM holding at 3000 over that beacon."
First Pilot Voice (after pause): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

Pilot : "Approach, how far from the airport are we ?"
Control : "N823, the faster you go the quicker you'll get here."

Control : "Air France 123, are you an Airbus 340 or 320 ?"
Air France : "340, of course !"
Control : "So would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 ft/min or more climb ?"

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Power-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)

Tower: "US Air 224, your gear seems not to be in place, Sir."
Pilot: "You operate your tower, I operate my aircraft, okay?"

ATC: "Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019."
Pan AM 1: "Could you give that to me in inches?"
ATC: "Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019"

Beech Baron: "Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747."
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

Control: Do you or do you not have enough fuel?
Pilot: Yes!
Control: Yes what?
Pilot: YES SIR!

general_kalle
04-26-2006, 02:42 PM
looooooooool i specialy liked that: Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck".


and:

ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say altitude?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say again altitude and heading?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude and heading."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say cancel IFR"
Eastern: "Center, This is Eastern 145 FL 310 heading 260."

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif these forums are great

FPSOLKOR
04-26-2006, 02:48 PM
Originally posted by general_kalle:
looooooooool i specialy liked that: Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck".


and:

ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say altitude?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say again altitude and heading?"
Eastern 145: "Altitude and heading."
ATC: "Eastern 145 - Say cancel IFR"
Eastern: "Center, This is Eastern 145 FL 310 heading 260."

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif these forums are great
My best favourite is the first one http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

p1ngu666
04-26-2006, 02:49 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

slipBall
04-26-2006, 02:58 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif Needing another pencil is also funny http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

FPSOLKOR
04-26-2006, 03:03 PM
NOOB fighter pilots report:
Plane taxied out of runway, hit hanger, run through officers mess hall, chopped 3 trees and after that i lost control...

Pilot to co-pilot: i'd say this runway is short...
CP to P: but look how wide it is!

Plane is falling apart in mid air.
British: Gantleman, we have to let woman and children out with chutes...
American: F#ck 'em all!
French: Hmm... We may try but we have a serious time shortage.

Russian aerospace agency has cancelled a smart bomb project - they were not able to throw out of the plane its prototype....

Pilot on a night landing: Guess who?
Control shutting down landing lights: Guess where?

Dew-Claw
04-26-2006, 03:14 PM
One I read a couple years ago and can't seem to find so I'll paraphrase it some.

Frankfurt Germany's Airport , I guess has a reputation for being very confusing to taxi around on, plus the crew in the control tower expect everyone to know where they are going when they arrive. They can be rather harsh with pilots who get confused, or lost on the tarmac.

I believe it was a Pan Am Plane, but it could have been another American Carrier, stopped on the taxiway so the pilot could check his bearings against a map he brought with him, when the tower in a condecending voice asked "Flight ***** are you lost???! Havn't you ever flown to Frankfurt before??"
The pilot, in a calm voice reply's " Once, in 45. But I didn't stop."
The tower then told him very pleasently, "Flight ***** procede to the next crossover and turn right to reach the gate, sir. Have a nice day."

slipBall
04-26-2006, 03:19 PM
"I didn't stop" that's great http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

FPSOLKOR
04-26-2006, 03:25 PM
How would you like to die?
Peacefully, like my granddad - pilot. Not like his whining and screaming passengers...

Who is first pilot?
He is the brain of the crew
Who is navigator?
He is an eye of the crew
who is flight engenier?
He is the hand of the crew
Who is the second pilot?
Well... He is a member of the crew

Frankfurt airport
Control is trying to land an Aeroflot airbus. after 20 minutes:
What? are you first time in Frankfurt?
No, i've been here in 1945... And we were not trying to land either.

What is the need for a propeller?
For chilling out the pilot. Don't believe me? try switching it off, and you will see how fast he will sweat!

When in the beginning of 20-th century people saw aircraft in the air, they looked at it and tried to guess where it flies, what it carries. In the beginning of 21-t century when people see an airplane they think "Sh#t, not again in to my backyard!"

slipBall
04-26-2006, 03:50 PM
I got to say that I was having a depressing day till this thread appeared. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

FPSOLKOR
04-26-2006, 04:11 PM
Old blind pilot was asked, how he managed to fly on modern airliners explained
I get to work by taxi, navigator gets me into seat, i push throttle up and fly, on the course i use autopilot, on the landing aproach when i hear my second scream " this blind bastard is going to kill us!" i gently pull the stick....

Russians sold to americans a sceme of new aircraft. They built it and got a train engine. Disassembled and assembled it 20 time - same result. Called russians. They said - RTFM! it says - use hammer and sandpaper for finishing to get a desired result!

Most loved computer game for tower control?
RTS DOGFIGHT!

Real life story, when Su-27 was flying to Paris airshow, someone gave it the same number as to Tu-154
Control:xxxxx Get 3900m
Pilot without pause: Done
Control get 4200
Pilot W\p: Done
Control: get 4500
Pilot w\p: Done
Long pause. Control: Could you please identify your aircraft type?

At one time Turcish pilots wer taught at california. Dispatch saw on A-4 just flying by control tower trail of smoke and fire. He said: Turkish pilot in A-4 - eject immediatelly. There were 6 turkish pilots in A-4s at that moment in the air

After war end Kozhedub used to come with inspection to different airbases, and on one such visit he came towards pilots and they had to introduce themselves.
Major Gerdt!
Captain Muller!
Captain Schwarz!
Seniour Leutenant Deutshman!
Kozhedub turned around and said to regiment commander "If next one will be Barchorn or Galland i'll have to ask MGB how they got here"
Next one was Ivanov.

Two-seated plane crashed into city cemetary. Rescue team managed to get 735 survivors from the crash site already. Work will continue till the last body will be recovered.

DIRTY-MAC
04-26-2006, 04:30 PM
some true stories

During the second Philippines campaign, some P-38 pilots heard a desperate
pilot calling on the radio in a voice on the edge of panic: "I'm losing
coolant! What should I do?" Assuming he was a new Lightning pilot with little
experience, they called back and told him to relax. Just feather the prop and
he'd get back okay. There was a moment of silence, then he responded, "Feather
it, hell! I'm in a P-51!"
There was a corollary experience. Returning from a long mission one day, a
bunch of P-38s, all flying on fumes, were jockeying to land first when a firm
voice came over the radio: "I'm coming in on one engine!" Naturally he got
priority clearance, and everybody looked around to see who was in trouble.
What they saw was a Tac Recon smart *** in a P-40 slipping in on final.
Everybody started swearing--and then started laughing.

he he thats humour

DIRTY-MAC
04-26-2006, 04:34 PM
In a interwiew with
Vladimir Alexeevich Tikhomirov

Q: Did you drink alcohol before flight?
A: I did it once and never tried again. I missed enemy fighter and almost missed the landing strip and decided not to risk in the future. I remember one Il-2 pilot who did flew drunk, but sometimes it lead to some funny stuff. I had to cover him once on a reconnaissance mission. Il driver had a task for the day and he was free to choose time and route of flight. We took off at the midday, and started to fly towards Finnish border. I could not understand where he was going. I passed in front of him, then I tried to lead him but he was not responding. I was piloting a Yak-7 with shkas mg, so I finally shot him into his cabin (it was armored and shkas would not penetrate it). Then he turned and followed me back. When we landed I saw that he and his gunner were totally drunk! We let them sleep for a while, and when they woke up I found out that they both were sleeping in flight, and that my shots woke €˜em up. The task was not completed, and in the evening we started in the air once again. We were going over Baltic Sea, and found a ship convoy. I saw it first; as I was 500 m higher and let IL pilot know. He asked for directions. I oriented him, so he made his attack at the large transport with rockets. It was all ablaze, and I thought that he was going to go home now, but instead he turned around and went in with cannons. When we came home we found a piece of the mast stucked in his wing. Now it is exhibited in naval museum in St-Petersburg. Of course he would see it if he did not have a hangover€¦

DIRTY-MAC
04-26-2006, 04:36 PM
He he this one is funny same guy

Once I remember flying out on an intercept. I noticed a dot ahead and went after it. I almost boiled out my engine only to find out that it was some spot on the windscreen! It was a matter of jokes for a month!

DIRTY-MAC
04-27-2006, 11:49 AM
bump

Shultze_87
04-27-2006, 03:54 PM
Originally posted by DIRTY-MAC:
He he this one is funny same guy

Once I remember flying out on an intercept. I noticed a dot ahead and went after it. I almost boiled out my engine only to find out that it was some spot on the windscreen! It was a matter of jokes for a month!

good to know not only gamers had this problem http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

vocatx
04-27-2006, 09:15 PM
I read these on an aviation website recently:

An F-16 pilot was inbound to an Air Force base with some sort of mechanical problem. He was still a few miles out when a B-52 radioed they had lost an engine and were inbound to the same field. Ground control told the F-16 pilot to hold for the B-52. "Ahh, yes," said the F-16 pilot, "The dreaded seven engine approach!"

An air traffic controller in southern California told that one day he had a Cessna call him requesting a ground speed fix. His reply was 175 knots. A minute or two went by and an Air Force fighter called in wanting the same. His reply was 500 knots. Another minute or two later an SR-71 called for a groundspeed fix. 1275 knots was his answer. There were no more calls for speed fixes after that.