View Full Version : How old am I??

10-03-2006, 05:01 PM
How old am I?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

10-03-2006, 05:06 PM

I'll be using that one down the pub soon...

10-03-2006, 05:37 PM
Now I have to clean my monitor.... d@mn you!!!! D@@@@@@MN YOUUUUUUU!!!!!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

10-03-2006, 05:42 PM
That's just ewwww! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

10-03-2006, 05:46 PM
Weird i just go that joke in an email from a fellow squaddie no more than 15 mins ago.....Funny tho http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-04-2006, 03:44 AM
LMAO goodone mate

can I use it?

10-04-2006, 07:46 AM

going to use it soon.

what about making it a joke tread?

ok i got one.
i hope its not offending anyone
if it does then im sorry

why did hitler die???
He saw the gass bill

ok i admit its a bit offending sorry

10-04-2006, 08:06 AM
LMAO http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

10-04-2006, 08:21 AM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif

10-04-2006, 01:17 PM
A guy goes Africa to capture a male gorilla for his private zoo. He looks for a local native to help him with the dangerous task, but there's no one there willing to do it.

Finally, he finds a man with a very fierce-looking Pitbull dog, who agrees to help him for a price, but he must buy a scary mask, a net and a very good rifle before they meet again.

On the next day, they're arriving to the gorilla territory, and the hunter explains him the procedure to capture a male gorilla alive:
- "Gorillas are easily scared. You must put on that mask and hold my dog, and, as soon as the gorilla sees you, he freaks out and escapes climbing to a near tree.
"Then I climb that tree and fight the gorilla till he falls from the tree, and as soon as my trained dog sees that, he will run and paralize the gorilla by biting him hard in the balls. Then you must put the net on him."

- "But, what the h*ll is the rifle for, then?"

- "Well, sometimes it's me who falls instead of the gorilla. And you must kill the dog at once!!!"


Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. They mount the tent, they light a fire, they drink beer, roast some sausage and sing camp songs. And they go to sleep.

At 3:00 AM Holmes makes Watson awake:
- "Dear Doctor, look up to the stars, and tell me your impressions."

Thinking that Holmes is trying to prove him once more, Watson accepts the deal:

- "Well, I see that Gemini is just above the horizon, while Venus has just disappeared, and there's no clouds, since it must be Summer, August, and about 3 AM."
"I also see that the stars follow a pattern crossing my field of view from left to right, so we must be lying face up with our heads heading to the north."
"Those mountains there are the Chip Crownard Hills, that means we are exactly 234,67 miles away from home, and the sweet smell of orange flower tells me some distillery of parfum is near, since there are not orange trees here."
"On a side note, the majestic landscape and awesome view makes me reflect about how insignificant is the human being compared to the huge universe and the powers of nature."

-"Christ, Watson, can't you see they have stolen our tent?"

10-04-2006, 02:58 PM
Originally posted by voyager_663rd:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">How old am I?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She........ </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I tell everyone I'm 18 just so they'll call me a liar and want to prove me wrong http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

10-04-2006, 03:42 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/11.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif

10-04-2006, 05:00 PM
I need another chance Bill, my mind got a little fuzzy last try. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

10-04-2006, 05:23 PM
Milf jugs.

10-05-2006, 09:12 AM
That is a good one! I hope that I can remember that whole thing word for word so I can tell that to the guys at the VA hospital on Friday.

By the way, I love your new sig Billfish!

10-05-2006, 09:21 AM
Thanks for the laugh!

Too Funny - good thing no one is in the office yet to hear me laughing.

10-07-2006, 01:18 PM
Nice one- will have to share it with my m8s.



10-07-2006, 01:52 PM
Originally posted by R_Target:
Milf jugs.


10-07-2006, 06:04 PM
ok there was this Milk delivery man, who was on his route, when he stopped by a new customer of his to make a delivery. as he opened the storage box for the milk to see how much she wanted, he found a note asking for 15 gallons. confused he said this cant be right she must mean 1.5 gallon. so he knocked on the front door to get a clarification, and when fairly attractive middle aged lady answered the door he said

Lady I see you put down 15 gallon as your order, are you sure you didnt mean 1.5 gallons instead?

No she said I want 15 gallons of milk

confused he asked, why would you want 15 gallons of milk?

she responded, I've heard that milk baths are good for the complexion and I want to take a milk bath.

thinking this was somewhat strange the milkman concented and asked her, do you want that Pasturized?

she said no just up to my T**'s http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-07-2006, 08:28 PM