View Full Version : Lawyers, run into any good ones lately?

12-18-2004, 10:00 AM
When I was a kid, and even now, I saw lots of dead carcus in the road ways. I once asked my dad if he knew what one may have been. He explained to me what a few might have been. Deer, Dog, Fox, etc. We came upon one on a cool crisp night. My dad almost didnt see it and swerved just in time to miss it. I asked him what he thought it was, he replyed, " A Lawer". I said; "A LAWER, how do you know". He said..."BECAUSE THERE WERE NO SKID MARKS".

12-18-2004, 10:02 AM

Theres some truth behind all those jokes http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

12-18-2004, 01:22 PM
"Kill all lawyers"

Henry IV, Part II.
William Shakespeare

12-18-2004, 02:31 PM
I post it in another thread, but suits better here:

"A Fox may steal your Hens, Sir,
A Wh*re your Health and Pence, Sir,
Your Daughter rob your Chest, Sir,
Your Wife may steal your Rest, Sir.
A Thief your Goods and Plate.
But this is all but picking,
With Rest, Pence, Chest and Chicken;
It ever was decreed, Sir,
If Lawyer's Hand is fee'd, Sir,
He steals your whole Estate."

(John Gay. "The beggar's opera"; 1728)

"I'm about converting into jelly -said the genius- forever more. I suspect something. Tell me, are there lawyers?

-There's a plague of lawyers- I said -There's nothing but lawyers, because some are lawyers because of their job, some are lawyers because they're petulant, some are lawyers because they studied -these are the few- and the most are lawyers because they only talk to people that are more ignorant than them, and can self-titling as doctors, degrees and masters, and make the dorks they meet treat them that way, instead of having the titles from the university; and Spain would have better locust plagues than lawyers galore.

-Then I won't quit my bottle- said the genius- So that's what happens. I feared them yet, I saw that disgrace in the stars, and for not seeing these times so full of lawyers I came to live in this flask, and for not standing them I'll be like jelly in a tin.

I told him:

-In ancient times, when justice was righteous, there were less doctors, and it has happened to it like to an ill one: the more the doctors, more danger and worse the illness, instead of healing, has his pockets emptied. Justice, when it was true, was naked; now is wrapped in papers like raw fish. A Book of Law with its arcaisms was everything that was needed. (...) But now the libraries are full with a horde of Menocchios, Sweates and Fabres, Flouredos and Turdacci, advices and decisions and answers and lections and meditations, with new authors every day, every one of them with a miriad volumes: Doctores putei in legem, volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... till 15; Licentiati Abtitis, De usuris; Petri Cusqui, In codigum; Rupis, Bruticarpin, Castani, Montoncanense, De adulterio et parricidio; Cornarano, Rocabruno...

Lawyers have cemeteries that they call bookshelves, and to boast they all say 'I have so many bodies', and that's true, because the books of the lawyers are bodies without a soul, maybe to resemble their owners. There's nothing that they find you are not right; the only thing they do not concede to the parts is money, because they want it for themselves. So the demands are not about one's right to have what he's indebted: that's easy and needs not questions and answers; the demands consist in giving money the lawyers without any justice, and giving the parts justice without any money.
(...) You'll want a lawyer's advice, and he'll say 'The business deserves to be studied. Go on explaining, so I can prepare the exactions. Law speaks in its own terms.' He takes fifty pounds of books, gives them a pair of slaps up and down, and reads very fast, buzzing like bees, then beats hard with the book open on the table, so the chapters fly off the volume. Then he says: 'This precedent is a very accurate one. Give me your papers, so I can study the business in all its subtleties, and consider it solved; come back tomorrow evening, because I'm writing about the old country laws of the dominion of Trasbarras; but I'll leave everything just to serve you.' And while you're leaving, as you intend to pay him -which is the real light and aim of the business for him- he says, among salutes and reverences: 'O Sir!' and between 'O' and 'Sir', he extends his hand and takes a pound for the consulting expenses."

Francisco de Quevedo. "A dream of death", 1622)

12-18-2004, 02:51 PM
If, one day, I should happen to see a lawyer burning alive at the side of the road, I would stop to render aid without hesitation.

....I'd syphon the petrol out of my car and pour it over him!! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/784.gif


12-18-2004, 02:54 PM
HEY!!! I'm a lawyer...knock it off!!! (JK)


12-18-2004, 05:52 PM
Now, now. If you lot are going to insist on having a constitutional republic as your basis of government you are going to have to come to terms with having lots of lawyers clogging up the place. Now you might not like them very much but they keep Versacci and Jaguar in business and they're better than having the place run by a mad bloke called George (absolutely no irony intended there at all). So chin up, this is just a blip on the great republic's promenade through the ages and I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.


12-18-2004, 06:45 PM
Can't wait til you all need a lawyer badly, just to get your butt cleared, to sell/buy a house, to tell you what a will is and means, to help you get papers authorised, to deal with injuries, help you with a consumer dispute etc etc etc

Yes, I'm a lawyer, and you know what the best lawyer joke is that I ever heard?

"I won't charge you a penny".

FYI in the UK those lawyers that work solely on state funded cases (Legal Aid) get around 50 an hour, out of which they have to pay staff, mortgages, insurances etc, leaving them a lot less income than a postman - an average of 18k or so a year I understand.

And now postmen in the UK wll be earning more that a lawyer who is 5 years qualified, yet who complains about postmen?

As for this debacle about company info, tough ****. There are international treaties that govern intellectual property. If the lawyers for Ubi Soft/1C missed out on the ramifications of naming names, sack them or sue them. After all, that what lawyers are there for right? If they **** up, they pay for it - most of you don't.

Anyways, I'll get off my soap box now and wish you a Merry Christmas. If you aren't Christian (and I'm not) well don't have a Merry Christmas.

12-18-2004, 07:40 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>

FYI in the UK those lawyers that work solely on state funded cases (Legal Aid) get around 50 an hour, out of which they have to pay staff, mortgages, insurances etc, leaving them a lot less income than a postman - an average of 18k or so a year I understand.

And now postmen in the UK wll be earning more that a lawyer who is 5 years qualified, yet who complains about postmen?


If youre lawyer and have to stick to only state funded cases, You have to be:
A: very new to practice
B: Very bad at your job

12-18-2004, 07:41 PM
I myself plan on havin' a very merry christmas
Lawyers or no lawyers....I'm a hopin' fer a TrackIR3 pro....SO THERE! http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/mockface.gif

12-18-2004, 07:45 PM
I got few more exams then I'll be 'juvenile' lawyer. And yes, whatever you think or heard of them it is way worse in RL.http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

But I know of even worse kind then ours.. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

12-18-2004, 08:58 PM
The problem is that the lawyers employed by a huge company can throw suits out at will, and even if bogus, defending them can be more than a little outfit can afford. They count on this, and seek a settlement, even if they are not entitled to one.

So Hoenire is right, but there is little a small company can do. The larger company that represents the smaller one in distribution might be responsible, but their relationship would certainly be jepordized by suing to recover for the mistake. Tough row to hoe.


12-18-2004, 09:54 PM
Also guys keep in mind that the lawyers themself mean 'almost nothing' in enforcing specific rules&laws to certain case.

First in the line of 'guilty' "parties" are *the state* which appearantly allow them to do so (their parliaments were create specific laws that they obbey and enforce to other parties);
second are *the companies* who hired them in order to prevent money loss. And to be honest who can blame them?

So, if anyone is to blame that we have some ridiculous law which forbid game developers to include specific trade marked (~60yrs old) planes (or plane names? hmm...) in game (I suppose that would be possible for some ammount of money http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif), that is the specific law or I do not know in North American states (USA) and UK that would be *precedent* law (entire law system is based on precedents -- ).

Maybe if we have A-47N instead of P47N and so on http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif.(just guessing..)

12-19-2004, 12:51 AM
I remember in one of Robert Heinlien's books where his characters travelled to the future and found people talked about 'the year they killed all the lawyers'.

Seriously though, lawyers employed by a large company don't act on their initiative - they are following company policy. If you want to feel agrieved, feel agrieved with Northrop.

12-19-2004, 05:14 AM
Hi All
Since my Dad died I have hated lawyers with venom. He made a water tight will, paid lots of money for it to be made out and died with that knowledge that all his money and poccesions would go to those he wanted to leave it too. After he had died the slime ball money grabbing lawyer said their was no such thing as a "water tight will" and they can all be challenged and that is what happened. 20000 was lost, half of it to a two faced greedy lawyer. Any way here's my dig at them:-

.:: Lawyers ::.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s**t?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ***.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What`s the difference between a ****** and a lawyer?
A: A ****** will stop f*****g you when you're dead.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A: Deep down their good.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

12-19-2004, 05:20 AM
I hate them that much here is another dig at em

Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, I
can't unnerstand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as
kids...I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm.
Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them BMW's and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the livin s**t out of 'em, and then eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the s**t out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

Merry Xmas all (Except Lawyers, Solicitors, Barristers, Attourney's or what other names you hide under)

12-19-2004, 05:26 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hoenire:
And now postmen in the UK wll be earning more that a lawyer who is 5 years qualified, yet who complains about postmen?

It's true. Here in the UK there are a number of charities set up to help laweyers who can't manage on their salaries. When our local council started locking dustbins to prevent them scavanging for food, the church had to organise a soup kitchen for them. But what really hurts is knowing that at this time of year so many lawyers are living on the streets. All they can do is look longingly at wealthy people, like teachers or postmen, flaunting their wealth and knowing that they themselves can only ever dream about even living in a house. It's heartbreaking.



12-19-2004, 06:39 AM
Please remember that there's a world of difference between the legal system in the U.S. and the U.K. We've been trying to get the same tort system in the U.S. that the U.K. has to help curtail a great deal of the litigation, but since almost all politicians start as lawyers, there's almost no hope. The current administration ran on tort reform as a campaign issue...we'll see what happens.

You're on a desert island with Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and a lawyer. You have a gun with three bullets. Who do you shoot first?

The lawyer....three times.

12-19-2004, 06:46 AM
Everyone hates a lawyer - until they need one.

12-19-2004, 06:48 AM
As a matter of fact, I have.

But I had to run over him four times before he stopped trying to give me his card.

12-19-2004, 06:53 AM
Be carefull with whom you wish to be death please. We've got a bit of trouble here lately in Holland with that (Theo van Gogh)

Texas LongHorn
12-19-2004, 07:39 AM
My Step Dad (now sadly passed on) who was both a lawyer and State Senator used to say "What do you call ten thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?".... A start!!!! All the best, LongHorn

12-19-2004, 07:43 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by VBF-83_Hawk:
When I was a kid, and even now, I saw lots of dead carcus in the road ways. I once asked my dad if he knew what one may have been. He explained to me what a few might have been. Deer, Dog, Fox, etc. We came upon one on a cool crisp night. My dad almost didnt see it and swerved just in time to miss it. I asked him what he thought it was, he replyed, " A Lawer". I said; "A LAWER, how do you know". He said..."BECAUSE THERE WERE NO SKID MARKS". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL - Great one. I thought you were going to say because of all the **** in the immediate area of impact

12-19-2004, 07:56 AM
One of my best mates is a human rights lawyer.

Yes, thats right a good lawyer. Someone whose job isn't to make a profit , but to uphold or strengthen existing laws which work to prevent injustices that are foisted on people. She works (for a pittance, I might add), with some amazing people, to help people who have had thier lives trampled by a) Governments, b) Global corporations, and c) other social groups.

Not all lawyers are bad, in fact, apart from in states where large corporations generate the primary economic revenue, lawyers are respected and dedicated members of the community. I personally have HUGE respect for the majority of lawyers i have met, including criminal, constitutional and defense lawyers.

12-19-2004, 05:49 PM
All of those that hate lawyers without understanding the situation are idiots. There are good and bad lawyers, just the same as in any profession or any walk of life. There are lawyers I know who are uselss, and there are some who are excellent, and there are some who are excellent and kind, and they're the type that will help a lot and not get paid for it.

If you lose 20,000 because a will wasn't good enough, sue the firm that provided it. First of all, make sure you understand the situation thoroughly and make sure that the situation didn't change between the making of the will and the death. If it did, well the will should have been updated. Also, find out what was wanted and what the guys instructions were. Oh, you weren't the client, so really you don't have a clue what went on...

And whoever said that state funded lawyers were either new or bad - what a joke. I mean, I'm presuming it was a joke?

Of course, it may mean that no lawyers out there have principles (and all the people moaning about a company enforcing a right that they own, shows that many of you only want principles that support YOU) but I prefer to believe that the lawyers funded through the state mostly have and hold principles that are close to their heart, for example the right to a fair trial...

Most of the people that have posted in this thread appear to want to waive an intellectual property right laid down by laws in various countries and by international treaties. They are there to protect us all, even if they apply mostly to companies even behemoth's like M$.

Get real and stop whinging. Leave it to the companies to sort it out.

12-19-2004, 05:57 PM
I think what really annoys me is that people generally soak up the "lawyers are bad" rubbish without ever challenging that belief, and in doing so they rely on myth, legend, and urban myths. I get bottles of wine from my clients, but then I'm a good lawyer (with no false modesty or boatfulness intended).

I can't remember which Discworld character says it, but...

"Before you criticise a person walk one mile in their shoes. Then you're one mile away and you've got their shoes....."