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B16Enk
08-08-2007, 06:46 PM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you realize that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to immediately dismount."
Funny #1
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding/training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.



And of course...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Funny #2
A U. S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the English, Canadian, Australian, French, and U.S.
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of officers that included personnel from most of the
countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop...

B16Enk
08-08-2007, 06:46 PM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you realize that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to immediately dismount."
Funny #1
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding/training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.



And of course...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Funny #2
A U. S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the English, Canadian, Australian, French, and U.S.
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of officers that included personnel from most of the
countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop...

Waldo.Pepper
08-08-2007, 08:46 PM
No doubt apocryphal but funny nontheless.

To take some of the heat off the French. I always liked the Italian one.

At a cocktail party between the wars a German diplomat speaks to his British counterpart.

German "In the next war, things will be different."
Englishman "How so?"
German "In the next war we will have the Italians with us."
Englishman "That's only fair. We had to have them on our side the last time."

BrewsterPilot
08-08-2007, 08:55 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Waldo.Pepper:
No doubt apocryphal but funny nontheless.

To take some of the heat off the French. I always liked the Italian one.

At a cocktail party between the wars a German diplomat speaks to his British counterpart.

German "In the next war, things will be different."
Englishman "How so?"
German "In the next war we will have the Italians with us."
Englishman "That's only fair. We had to have them on our side the last time." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL!

Another Italian one:

Adjutant: "Herr general, the italians decided to start a war"
German general(thoughtfully): "Hmm... order to send 2 divisions to the italian border."
Adjutant: "No, you got me wrong, they are on our side."
General:" Damn, order to send 10 divisions to the italian border..."

TheGozr
08-08-2007, 09:22 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">"Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wasn't a vote long ago in the US about the same thing ?
Does anyone know how many times the germans actually surrendered ?

berg417448
08-08-2007, 09:30 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by TheGozr:

Wasn't a vote long ago in the US about the same thing ?
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

No. That myth had its origins as a German-American Bund propaganda story.

Jatro13th
08-09-2007, 12:59 AM
Another Italian one, on the borders of Greece:
-Why aren't the men moving forward?
-But, but leutenant, the Greeks... They are shooting at us!

Here goes to show why I like Italians. Not war-like people, like me!
Cheers!

HotelBushranger
08-09-2007, 02:26 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.

I like the Italian ones http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

DuxCorvan
08-09-2007, 08:13 AM
Well, here is one to level things a bit:

There's a multinational military parade, and every nation in the world sends some elite forces to show off. At the dinner, there's a Russian general, an US general and a Spanish colonel sitting together.

The Russian general starts boasting: "We have so huge a fleet, that if we'd put all our ships together, you couldn't see a piece of the ocean." The US general follows: "We have such power in our Air Forces, that if all our planes would fly at the same time, you wouldn't be able to see a piece of the sky."

The Spanish colonel says: "There's a sergeant P้rez in our unit, who has so large and powerful a d*ck, that it can stand seven adult doves sitting together."

Everybody laughs, and then the Russian gen. admits: "Well, to be sincere, you would see some ocean among the ships." The US general admits also: "Well, certainly, you would see some sky thru the gaps between the planes".

And the Spanish colonel admits: "Well, it's true. Between dove and dove, you can still see a good portion of Sgt. P้rez's d*ck."

Von_Rat
08-09-2007, 08:26 AM
ok how about some more american jokes, lets not just pick on the italians or french.

im a american and i would like to hear some good jokes poking fun at us.

for obvious reasons i don't hear many here at home.

stanford-ukded
08-09-2007, 08:34 AM
A British Marine and a French Sailor are both standing at urinals attending to their business. Naturally, being men, no talking goes on in the bathroom.

After a good deal of time, the Marine shakes, steps back and walks for the door. Just as he has his hand on the handle the sailor speaks up...

"Monsieur..."

"Yes?" Replies the Marine

"Monsieur, in the _French_ Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate"

"Is that so?" Says the Marine

"In the Royal Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

capt_frank
08-09-2007, 10:07 AM
Reminded me of this:

A Modern Parable

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consulting company, of course, advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

The End

Stew278
08-09-2007, 10:23 AM
That parable would be easier to laugh at if it wasn't for the fact that it is so painfully close to the truth.

WOLFPLAYER2007
08-09-2007, 10:37 AM
Im half italian half German and American..lets just talk about the french please...

T_O_A_D
08-09-2007, 10:43 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by stanford-ukded:
A British Marine and a French Sailor are both standing at urinals attending to their business. Naturally, being men, no talking goes on in the bathroom.

After a good deal of time, the Marine shakes, steps back and walks for the door. Just as he has his hand on the handle the sailor speaks up...

"Monsieur..."

"Yes?" Replies the Marine

"Monsieur, in the _French_ Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate"

"Is that so?" Says the Marine

"In the Royal Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands!" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

When ever I get caught not washing my hands I reply.

Heck I've been feeding it to the misses for over 20 years and she aint got sick yet. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/59.gif

MEGILE
08-09-2007, 10:50 AM
I always wash my hands with Ph Balanced Dove soap... but that's just me

TheGozr
08-09-2007, 10:53 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Im half italian half German and American. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL.. You Mama was hard working... Hehehe

WOLFPLAYER2007
08-09-2007, 11:01 AM
No my mother wasnt a *****

TheGozr
08-09-2007, 11:11 AM
LOL I couldn't pass on something like this .. You offered it to a pack of wolf !! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif LOL

Anyway lets continue to jokes they are funny

WN_Barbarossa
08-09-2007, 03:02 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Von_Rat:
ok how about some more american jokes, lets not just pick on the italians or french.

im a american and i would like to hear some good jokes poking fun at us.

for obvious reasons i don't hear many here at home. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

As you wish.
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
Even God could not find there three wise men and a virgin.

turnipkiller
08-09-2007, 05:04 PM
No nationality with this but I thought it was funny. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store placed a half-gallon of 2% milk, one dozen eggs, a quart of orange juice, one head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon on the conveyor. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated to her, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

horseback
08-09-2007, 08:54 PM
During the Second World War, ADM Nimitz had a Marine Gunnery Sergeant on his staff who had a fearsome reputation dating back to Belleau Wood and continuing through service in various Latin American locations between the wars, and on to Guadalcanal. He was the classic image of just what such a man should look like: tall, broad in the shoulders, narrow hipped, darkly tanned with an impressive collection of scars to go with his chest full of ribbons earned in blood and fire.

In short, he intimidated and challenged the hell out of most sane folks, including the admiral he supposedly served, simply by being present.

On one occasion, the admiral was supposed to visit a British ship in port, and the old Gunny was sent ahead to make the appropriate arrangements (and possibly to put the prosective hosts into the proper frame of mind).

Stepping onto the quarterdeck after saluting the Officer of the Deck and the Ensign, he noted a rather slender young individual dressed in green uniform standing at Parade Rest with an Enfield that may have outweighed him. Moving in front of this young chap, he silently frowned down at him for a moment before leaning forward and barking in his best parade ground voice "What the hell does the 'RM' on your collar stand for, young man?"

Cheeks reddening noticably, the young Royal Marine snapped to attention, looked up right into those spit colored eyes and replied

"The Real Marines, Sergeant!"

cheers

horseback

Hoatee
08-10-2007, 04:29 AM
Golda (the Israeli prime minister) was on a visit to the USA. The Americans were keen to lend military assistance to Israel and so allowed Golda to pick two generals. So Golda chose General Electric and General Motors.

csThor
08-10-2007, 05:04 AM
Not a joke but a true incident:

A friend of mine was serving in the Bundeswehr in the 1980s and served as guard for a US barracks complex (something to do with legal regulations IIRC). There was a US Major who liked german liquor very much. Indeed he liked it too much - the german recruits were "recruited" to tidy up his office and dispose of the empty bottles rather often. One day, it was a Monday, the "Honor Guard" had just formed up along with a small military band for raising the flag when said Major came onto the barracks ground with his private car - hideously drunk. So the band was merrily playing the "star spangled banner" when the Major stopped his car, staggered out and p*ssed against the flagpole in full view of the honor guard, the military band and the regimental CO who was standing outside his office for a salute.

Suddenly - as my friend described it - you could have heard a pin drop. The german guards bit back their laughs and retreated into their small guard station but inside they collapsed into fits of laughter. And the Major ... well he came as Major and left as Second Lieutenant. http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

HuninMunin
08-10-2007, 06:05 AM
It's the worlds largest military display, the year is 2030.
The American President has come - likewise his college from Russia and the british Prime Minister.
On a sunny day they decide to visit the docks and find themselfs in front of 3 submarines.
The Russian president smiles.
"Look over there - this is our new Moskau class submarine. It can stay submerged for a whole month and only needs to resuply at the base every 2 years."
The american president grins.
"Fine piece of russian technology, no doubt.
But that one over there on the right - that's the brand new Liberty class.
Believe it or not but it can stay submerged for 3 month and only needs to dock every third year."
The Russian president nods in honest respect.
The British Prime Minister who has been standing a little offside steps a little closer and points at the left submarine.
"This dear gentlemen is a London class submarine. Using the very latest in naval technology it can not only stay submerged for the timespan of a half year; it is also able to stay on sea for a timespan of incredible 5 years."
He laughs and looks upon the endless ocean.
As they stand there suddenly the tower of a fourth submarine splits the water surface,
slowly it approaches the lineup und finaly settles next to the proud London class.
The 3 men wonder...what on earth is that?
The 4th sub's hatches open and a sharp looking guy abpears on deck.
He looks around, with a skeptical gaze and finaly turns towards the three men:

"Heil. We want to refuel."

Hawgdog
08-10-2007, 06:25 AM
So far an amazingly funny thread with hopes some tard doesn't post something to get it locked.

21 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT:

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestly believe that I could.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. White Castle on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooo much!

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotic and sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the WRONG way but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.

erco415
08-10-2007, 01:04 PM
Three for you guys, two are even true...
First, from when I was at seminary, the story of Mother Green: There was once a parish known for it's beautiful stained glass windows. On sunny mornings the light streaming through the windows painted the whole church in glorious colors. The windows were the result of the generous gifts of one Mother Green, a woman who had many years previous been a member of the parish. Well, it turns out that Mother Green was going to be in town one Sunday, and she wrote ahead to arrange to visit the Pastor. The Pastor, a longtime friend of hers, planned to make an announcement during the Mass, to allow the parishoners to show their thanks for her generosity. Sunday morning turns up all sunny and beautiful, but the Pastor receives an urgent call: one of the parishoners is sick and needs the last rites. Before he rushes off to the hospital, he tells the associate Pastor of Mother Green's visit and asks him to acknowledge her at some point during the service. The associate agrees but it's not until the Pastor is gone that he realizes that he has no clue what Mother Green looks like. Deducing that she will be the only unfamiliar face in the church, he watches the people file in. Finally, a face he hasn't seen before, but it's not what he expected. Instead of some white-haired old women, in walks a tall, voluptuous woman in a tight micro mini! She walks to the very front pew, and sitting down, reveals that she is in fact going commando. Desperate now that Mass is about to start, he calls one of the altar boys over and asks, "Do you see that woman over there?" The altar boy responds, "Boy, do I, Father!" The priest asks, "Is that Mother Green?" The altar boy looks for a moment, then finally says, "No Father, I think that's just how the light's hitting it."

Soon to come, the tragic but true story of Anessa the Shoe, and her incredible run of bad luck. Also, how to do away with over-zealous latrine inspectors!

B16Enk
08-10-2007, 01:49 PM
The Man Code

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "BULL****!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, "man, you're gonna love the way she licks your balls".

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - You didn't see nothin'.

15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend's birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or *** peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good *** whuppin', then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a ***** standing on the sideline.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ***, are you a Sagittarius?"

29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just mean.

30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.

31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.

32. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** off!" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.

37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

42. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.

46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach, and it's delivered by a topless supermodel, and it's free.

47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.

48. If you jiggle more than twice, you're playing with it.

49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.

erco415
08-10-2007, 01:57 PM
The sad but true tale of Anessa the Shoe and her run of bad luck.
Anessa the Shoe was a Beech 1900 Captain at the airline I worked for. A good pilot, an attractive blond, Anessa was married to a Captain for a major airline. One day, her parents were non-reving on said airline, with the lucky accident that their son in law was the Captain on their flight. They were enjoying talking to one of the flight attendants, asking her how she liked flying for said airline, when she mentioned that one of the perks was that sometimes she worked the same flights as her boyfriend and how great that was. In fact, her boyfriend was on this flight. They asked what he did, and the flight attendant replied, "He's the Captain." Spectacularly busted, (and not having a clean record), he was soon sent packing. Anessa, as is customary, took a month off to try and ensure that her change in marital status didn't affect her flying. Shortly after returning to work, Anessa injured herself squeezing some trash into the wastebasket. It seems there was a lid from a tin can in there and it cut the dickens out of her wrist, so seriously that it required not a few stitches and another month or so off of work. Cleared to fly again, she was flying a morning flight and was first out to the airplane. Unbeknownst to her, the gas cylinder that kept the door from falling open had lost it's charge overnight. When she unlatched the door, it fell and knocked poor Anessa out cold. Yet another month off from work while things got sorted out. The story, as I know it, turned out happily enough. The last I saw Anessa, she was back on flight status and she was consorting with some young latin boy toy.

My dear old Dad tells a story about his days in the Army, when they had a rather over-zealous Major who would bring an inspection mirror with him to inspect the latrine, just to make sure that the troops were getting under the toilet rims nice and clean. And woe be unto those who didn't have their rims spotless. They decided to have some fun with this jerk, and doctored one of their freshly scrubbed toilets with a little peanut butter. Sure enough, here came the Major with his mirror, and upon finding the suspicious stain under the rim, came unglued and began screaming at the assembled platoon. "You, Private, what's this?" he screamed. Without missing a beat, the young man reached a finger under the rim, scraped up a little peanut butter and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Tastes like ***t to me, Sir!" The Major lost his cookies, and apparently the mirror as well, as he never brought it again.

ploughman
08-10-2007, 02:01 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Pass this test! (http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php)

M_Gunz
08-10-2007, 05:44 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by HotelBushranger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, it just SAYS Brits, Canadians and Aussies first as some kind of cover.
What it doesn't mention is Russians or Free Poles or Free French or all the colonials....

Russians and Brits are the biggest reason why Hitler lost but the Amis did help.

ploughman
08-10-2007, 05:55 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by M_Gunz:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by HotelBushranger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, it just SAYS Brits, Canadians and Aussies first as some kind of cover.
What it doesn't mention is Russians or Free Poles or Free French or all the colonials....

Russians and Brits are the biggest reason why Hitler lost but the Amis did help. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think the Italian contribution is the key to the Axis defeat in Europe during World War Two. Just my dos Euros.

B16Enk
08-10-2007, 05:56 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by M_Gunz:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by HotelBushranger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, it just SAYS Brits, Canadians and Aussies first as some kind of cover.
What it doesn't mention is Russians or Free Poles or Free French or all the colonials....

Russians and Brits are the biggest reason why Hitler lost but the Amis did help. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Errr..it is a joke, I'm pretty sure political correctness wasn't particularly high on the agenda.
This thread is about giving ppl a smile, in a civilised manner.
Encouraging the sharing of humo(u)r for the sole purpose of leaving the reader feeling better about life and the virtual company they keep, not challenging them to pass judgement or analyse.

Let this thread live please!

ploughman
08-10-2007, 06:00 PM
This thread needs a hockey team.

http://media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper851/stills/4219c84790f61-88-1.jpg

Low_Flyer_MkVb
08-10-2007, 06:00 PM
French joke to even things up:-

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.

John_Reed
08-10-2007, 07:41 PM
Somebody wanted more American jokes? Weeelll, let's see...


George W. Bush is visiting Window Rock, Capitol of the Navajo Nation, during an electoral campaign. People came up for a reunion and George is heralding his salvation message.

"Vote for me, my red brothers, and the American way of life will be come true part of your lifes". The Navajos are chanting "Oooompaah, oooompah" to these words.

George is getting warmer with his audience and declares: "Every Navajo home will have a really big GE fridge-freezer with me as President!" Navajos: "Oooompaah, oooompah!"

Intrigued and completely taken away by this tremendous ovations he even boosts his promises: "And, take my word for it, every Navajo will have the latest Cadillac model in his garage during next two years time". Attended by a wave of "Oooompaah, oooompah" cries he closes his enormously successful speech and gets into some small talk and soft drinks http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-tongue.gif with the chiefs.

While talking he glimpses out of the big panorama window of the Capitol building and spies a few very imposing Longhorn bulls out on the pasture. "Hey", he states, "these bulls just look great. I've got some of these on my ranch down in Texas, too. May I go out and have a closer look on 'em?"

The chiefs put their heads together and after a short while the oldest of them replies: "Yeah, sure Mr. President, you may as you wish, but be careful and watch out - don't step into the oooompah".

BoCfuss
08-10-2007, 10:47 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by M_Gunz:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by HotelBushranger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, it just SAYS Brits, Canadians and Aussies first as some kind of cover.
What it doesn't mention is Russians or Free Poles or Free French or all the colonials....

Russians and Brits are the biggest reason why Hitler lost but the Amis did help. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Seriously, get over it all ready. Show me just one post anywhere on this board that an American says they single handidly one the war. Just one.

M_Gunz
08-10-2007, 10:55 PM
We've gotten them and no, the search here was never up to the task and neither are the archives.

It's really embarrassing and most of us Americans jump on the one(s) that do it.

But let's just keep our jokes.

Two nuns and a rabbi walk into a bar...........

tagTaken2
08-11-2007, 02:22 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Ploughman:
Pass this test! (http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php) </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I haven't laughed out loud at the internet since it became an acronym, but this got me bad.

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif

Von_Rat
08-11-2007, 03:13 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by BoCfuss:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by M_Gunz:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by HotelBushranger:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged things so that you
wouldn't have to speak German." </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Not wanting to start anything but something that really irritates me is when people use things like that, in this case Americans and the whole 'wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' thing.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, it just SAYS Brits, Canadians and Aussies first as some kind of cover.
What it doesn't mention is Russians or Free Poles or Free French or all the colonials....

Russians and Brits are the biggest reason why Hitler lost but the Amis did help. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Seriously, get over it all ready. Show me just one post anywhere on this board that an American says they single handidly one the war. Just one. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

agreed


ive never seen such a post either.

maybe there are a few. but they are far out numbered by the posts accusing americans of thinking they won the war alone. and frankly im really sick of those.

lorenai__
08-11-2007, 03:46 AM
lol, the stories are awesome http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/34.gif does someone know something about russians?

John_Reed
08-12-2007, 09:08 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">does someone know something about russians? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

You know these stories of Russian soldiers "collecting" wrist-watches from civilians in post-war Germany?

Well, one fine day, Pjotr looks at his really fine watch he'd organizes, but it won't work anymore.

He remembers a sergeant in the neighbour company is a clockmaker in civilan profession, so he just goes for a walk to see this guy for a hint.

The sergeant opens the back cap of the watch, inspects the inside, turns the watch, shakes it a bit and out falls a dead true bug.

Shrugging his shoulders he sadly states: "Machine operator kaput".

John_Reed
08-12-2007, 09:48 AM
A guy from Cologne/Germany has invited his American business partner. They go to town for a sightseeing.

Passing by the new Police headquarters, the american asks how much time it took to construct the building. The German answers: " Well, about one and a half year." The American: "Funny, we do this within three months".

Next they see the Cologne Arena Stadium Koeln Arena (http://www.koelnarena.de/frames.php) "How much did take to bring this up?"

"Oh, I think we needed about three years 'til everything was settled".

"Ridiculous. Over in the States it would take us not more than six months."

By now the German starts to get a bit annoyed. They finally reach at the Cologne cathedral. Cologne Cathedral - Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cologne_Cathedral)

"Hey, how long did you folks need to rise this church", the American guy asks.

"Ummh? Church? What chu... Oh, don't know. Hadn't been there yesterday."

Dtools4fools
08-12-2007, 10:03 AM
You know why there are those beautiful huge trees on the Champs Elysee in Paris?

That the Germans can parade in the shade....
----

T_O_A_D
08-12-2007, 06:20 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by tagTaken2:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Ploughman:
Pass this test! (http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php) </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I haven't laughed out loud at the internet since it became an acronym, but this got me bad.

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/clap.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I was laughing out loud and the wife came in so I showed her and she laughed ans said how stupid can that be I know how to Pee in public and gave me short How too. SOOOOOO I let her take the test, She got a 10 and it told her.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">
Good lord! You can't possibly be male! We have monkeys that are better trained at peeing than you are. If, on the obscure off-chance that you ARE male, you need some practice going to the bathroom. Sad, really. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

M_Gunz
08-12-2007, 09:25 PM
Some people would never have been able to be in the military. No way.

HotelBushranger
08-13-2007, 08:26 AM
Lawyers:

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry.
He growls at the bartender, 'Gimme a beer', takes a slug and shouts out, 'All lawyers are ********s!'
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, 'You take that back!' The angry man snarls, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'
The guy replies, 'No, I'm an ********!'

TOO LONG?
SIGNS THAT YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN THE PUB INCLUDE:
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
-Your job is interfering with your drinking.
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
-You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
-Twenty-four hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??? - I think not!
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-Your twin sins are named Barley and Hops.
-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
-At AA meetings you begin, 'Hi, my name is...uh...'
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
-The whole bar says 'Hi,' when you come in...