View Full Version : OT: You, too, can be a naval aviator!

12-31-2005, 11:55 AM
The first thing to do is fix yourself a big mug of warm water, into which you've stirred on tablespoon of diesel oil and one teaspoon of salt. Drink quickly while on the run . . . THEN:

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."

Mix a little JP5 (jet fuel) with the water in your humidifier and set it on high.

Buy a painter's jump suit (to be used as a flight suit), and stuff the pockets with 100 pounds of emergency equipment like a parachute, flashlight, gun, maps, food, water, knife, brown paint, and rat poison (to be consumed if captured by police).

Buy a small private plane and practice takeoffs and landings on your roof. Have your wife and kids stand in the back yard to guide you. When landing, wife should say "Call the Ball". If it appears that a crash is possible, the kids should "wave you off" with a red shirt.

Important! Don't forget to stretch a wire cloth's line across the roof and attach a large hook from Home Depot to the tail of the plane.

When in the air with your plane, practice combat maneuvers by dog-fighting with pigeons and shooting at them with a rifle. Drop road flairs on neighbors' houses to see if you can hit the target.

Leave the lawn mower running in your living room.

Every few days, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

Once a month, take every appliance apart, inspect them, and put them back together again.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can, making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

When there is a thunder storm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your pocket.

Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

Get up every night about a quarter to midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

Chip and paint your car.

Invite 5,000 neighbors to your house and visit for six months.

Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage in the other side of your bathtub. Take compacted trash, announce "Now dump all trash and garbage off the fantail" and heave it over back fence.

Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house and car. Ignore complaints.

Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, boil for two hours before drinking.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them. Spraypaint (preferable gray) all windows so that you have to go outside to see daylight.

Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

Put on headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say, to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours and say, again to no one in particular, "Stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

Write a letter to your wife and kids, but don't let them open it for at least 3 weeks. Then when they reply, you do the same.

12-31-2005, 12:06 PM
That's what I have been doing, I was hoping to know what more I can do....

12-31-2005, 12:15 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

12-31-2005, 12:23 PM
That's why I joined the Army http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif....

12-31-2005, 12:24 PM
As a 22+ year US Navy veteren (fleet sailor), I can assure you that most of these are very accurate descriptions of life at sea. If you've been there you know what I mean.