View Full Version : The Joke Thread

10-25-2005, 07:51 AM
An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.


10-25-2005, 07:54 AM
Best kind of paid silence http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-25-2005, 07:56 AM
Those raccoons are not luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."


10-25-2005, 04:01 PM
LMAO @ Pirschjaeger http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

10-25-2005, 04:26 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/25.gif

Also got one (cut & paste from somewhere...):

While riding one day, a lone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Farmer: "Dogs don€t talk."
Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Farmer: Look of shock.
Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Farmer.
Dog: "Yep."
Biker: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the river once a week to play."
Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Horses don€t talk."
Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
Biker: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

10-25-2005, 04:53 PM
ROFL @ Neo

Took me a while...but I got it in the end...hehehheeh

10-25-2005, 05:05 PM
Hey Neo..... that was supposed to go... "Dont listen to her!!!! She's aliar and a whor@!!!...

10-25-2005, 05:05 PM
A young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......




Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.




He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.




He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walkingfaster.........




The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......




He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......




Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....




In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........




The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.




In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......

still it came ......


He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....

still it came......


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....

still it came......


He grabbed some cough syrup and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

10-25-2005, 06:31 PM
OMG!!!! I just found out that the Pillsburry Dough boy has died!!!

Terrible...... they say it was a yeast infection.

10-25-2005, 07:18 PM
http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif@ you guyz


10-25-2005, 09:06 PM
The greatest chicken joke ever...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a
bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

10-25-2005, 09:16 PM
ROFL WAYNO!!!!!!!! Had to say it my head to get it LOL!

10-25-2005, 09:19 PM

10-25-2005, 09:34 PM
Texas Math

A business owner in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some good help. If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Texas women.

10-26-2005, 03:17 AM
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait.

It was a nice & warm spring day. In a well tendered garden stood an apple tree next to a pond - the birds were singing, the sun was shining & not a cloud was to be seen on the bright blue sky (violins playing Vivaldi). On the beautiful tree a little worm made his way over the branches. He stopped & thought to himself: "When summer comes this tree will be full of juicy apples & by autumn they'll be ready to eat - I will wait here!". Summer came & the tree carried many apples - the worm chose one & dug his way into the green fruit about to turn red. But behold: A blackbird had been watching from another tree not far away (soundtrack turns to Brahms) & seeing the little worm disappear into the apple he thought to himself: "When autumn arrives that apple will fall from the tree & the worm will have grown fat from eating - the apple will break, the worm will tumble out & I will feast on his meat!". What the blackbird did not know was that a cat was hiding in the bushes (violins now playing Wagner). The cat reasoned this way: "When autumn comes the apple will fall, the worm will tumble out, the bird will make his move & I will jump on the bird & eat him!". Autumn came. The apple fell from the tree & broke. The worm was thrown out & lay dizzy on the ground. The bird dove down on the helpless worm & ate him. Out jumped the cat - & fell into the pond...

What did we learn?

A little patience will get you a wet ***** http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

10-26-2005, 01:08 PM

10-26-2005, 01:24 PM
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. There she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."


10-26-2005, 01:57 PM
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome!

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral to this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

10-26-2005, 01:58 PM
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

10-26-2005, 08:49 PM
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there."Click here http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg

10-26-2005, 09:39 PM
Quasimoto goes to the doctors.

Doc: I'll bet your here because of your back.

Quasi: Yeah how did you know doc.

Doc: Just a hunch.

10-27-2005, 07:35 AM
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "


10-27-2005, 07:41 AM
L-starosa, Rall, and Tully

L-Starosa and Rall were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, Game Warden Tully jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, L-Starosa threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. Game Warden Tully was hot on his heels. After about a 10 miles http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif, L-Starosa stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so Game Warden Tully finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Game Warden Tully gasped. With that, L-Starosa pulled out his wallet and gave Game Warden Tully a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said Game Warden Tully, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young L-Starosa, "but my friend Rall back there, well, he don't have one."


10-27-2005, 11:19 PM
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"


10-27-2005, 11:23 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person at Ubi asked a young engineer, JG/54 Gryphon, who was fresh out of university, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" JG/54 Gryphon said, "In the neighborhood of 125,000 Euro a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red BMW?" JG/54 Gryphon sat up straight and said, in a Dutch accent, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


10-27-2005, 11:34 PM
There were two lovers, Jumo and LeBillfish, who were really into spiritualism, reincarnation, strategic skillet defence and offence. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young LeBillfish died in a monster truck wreck, car-crushing while under the influence. True to his word, LeBillfish's sweetheart tried to contact her in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, he called out, "LeBillfish, LeBillfish, this is Jumo. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Jumo, this is LeBillfish. I can hear you." Jumo tearfully asked, "Oh LeBillfish, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Jumo. "Well, Jumo, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Jumo was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Jumo." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."


10-27-2005, 11:44 PM
In another possible reality, CrazIvan is a police man and Maple-Tiger is somehow still a philosopher. One day a policeman (Crazivan) stopped a motorist (Maple_Tiger) who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the Maple_Tiger said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not?" said Crazivan. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied Crazivan, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied Maple_Tiger. Crazivan then pulls out his batton and starts hitting Maple_Tiger. "What are you doing!" yells the Maple_T in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop?" asks Crazivan.


10-27-2005, 11:55 PM
Gibbage was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit(known as LeBillfish in a past life) hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Gibbage, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover (sheep included), pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Gibbage felt so awful he began to cry. Womanfly was driving down the highway saw Gibbage crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked Gibbage what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." Womanfly told Gibbage not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. Gibbage was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in womanfly's spray can! He ran over to womanfly and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" Womanfly turned the can around so that Gibbage could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."


10-28-2005, 12:02 AM
Gibbage, Hristo and Kurfurst were all in a boat together fishing. The Hristo said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, Kurfurst says to Gibbage, "I think I'm going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as Hristo and sits next to him on the shore. Gibbage thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. Hristo says to Kurfurst, "Do you think we should of told Gibbage where the rocks were?"


10-28-2005, 03:34 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?


....I mean Chechen.

10-28-2005, 05:36 AM
Me thinks Pirschjaeger has alot of extra time these days....

10-28-2005, 08:00 AM
Originally posted by BSS_Goat:
Me thinks Pirschjaeger has alot of extra time these days....


Cut & paste

Rewrite a few lines

Click "post now"

No brainer http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Back to work. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/16x16_smiley-happy.gif


10-28-2005, 08:44 AM
Whatdoyoutellawomanwithtwoblackeyes?Nothingyoualre adytoldhertwice!

10-28-2005, 10:00 AM
Blonde pushes her car into a gas station.

The attendant says "whats wrong?"

"How do I know" she says "You're the mechanic"

So he pops the hood while she gets on her cell phone...a few minutes later, the car is running fine.

"What was the problem with it" she asks.

" cr^p in the carbuerator" says he.

" awwww...how often do I have to do THAT"???

10-28-2005, 12:12 PM
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker And better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it toTesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

thank you for shopping atTesco.

10-28-2005, 12:51 PM
What do you call a Russian lemonade thief?

Oojya Nikyapopoff

10-28-2005, 01:02 PM
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-28-2005, 01:40 PM
Is Windows a Virus?

Lets look at the evidence.

Viruses get installed on millions of computers.
So does Windows.

Viruses can perform unspecified tasks in the background, usually without your knowlage.
So does Windows.

Viruses use up System Resources, slowing your PC down.
So does Windows.

Viruses can trash your Hard Drive.
So can Windows.

Viruses are judiciously supported by thier Authors, are regularly updated and become more sophisticated.
So does Wi........

Ah, not quite then.....Windows is not a Virus.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?


Bill, Who?

Bill Gates.

I'll get me Coat!!

10-28-2005, 02:08 PM
how do rednecks find pigs in the long grass ?

VERY satisfying http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/784.gif

10-28-2005, 02:35 PM
What's the correct term for a lesbian restricted to a vegetarian diet?

A vagitarian.

10-28-2005, 03:09 PM
Originally posted by Pirschjaeger:
Gibbage, Hristo and Kurfurst were all in a boat together fishing. The Hristo said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, Kurfurst says to Gibbage, "I think I'm going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as Hristo and sits next to him on the shore. Gibbage thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. Hristo says to Kurfurst, "Do you think we should of told Gibbage where the rocks were?"


It would of not gone down that way. The 3 of us would be debating on weather or not the boat we were currently in even existed. I would say it existed, Kurf would deny it, and Hristo would call it a fantisy clown boat and draw stupid pitchers of it filled with clowns. Then I would just push them out of the boat and drive off. They would thel call it overmodeled and not say what is overmodeled about it, but want it changed anyways.

Later Oleg would patch my boat so it would be slower, drive differant, and spring leaks when someone yelled at it.

Kurf and Hristo would contenue to call it a non-existant clown wagon and demand further nurfing.

10-28-2005, 03:14 PM
you is not wrong, be sure. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/88.gif

10-28-2005, 04:22 PM
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

10-28-2005, 04:25 PM
Whats the simularity between a blonde and a turtle?

If they lie on their backs theyre both f!@#ed

10-28-2005, 04:30 PM
A man walks into a bar

OUCH he yells

10-28-2005, 05:51 PM
Old gags.

Best joke of the year so far? 4.02 patch.


Bloke walks up to Sarah Jessica Parker and says, 'Why the long face?'

Why do women have legs?
Seen the mess snails make?


10-28-2005, 11:10 PM
Ok Arnie,

Q. What do you call cheese thats not yours?
A. notcho cheese