View Full Version : Noob Patrol 4 (Christmas Cruise)

06-15-2005, 02:55 PM
~A lone U-Boat Captain fighting a battle of wits in the Atlantic€¦ completely unarmed.

Taken from the personal War Diary (Kriegstagebuch) of Captain J. Smitlack

Shore Leave
November 24, €" December 20, 1939

After reporting I take a couple of groupies out for drinks. After being drunk under the table, having my wallet and my knights cross stolen, I run into an old acquaintance, Elsa Gallowswed. She had married one of my closest friends from childhood, Ernest Forshadwing. Theirs was a timeless story that had been repeated often in great literature and classic theater. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Boy loses girl. Girl loses boy in a tragic hydrogen zeppelin explosion over the Reichstag on February 27, 1933. Yes€¦a timeless love story told through out the ages.

We leave the bar and have dinner in a small restaurant around the corner. She tells me that she has had a checkered past. After losing Ernest she met a man while on a trip to Moscow. They had a whirlwind romance and were married within a week. They moved into a house in Berlin and a short time later he was interviewed by the SS and jumped to his death from the top of a tall building. I can tell she is reluctant to go on so I ask what her second husband€s name was Henry W. Asthrownoff, a Russian no doubt.

I tell her that it is not so bad. She replies that after Henry there was Brad. Brad Monrising. Monrising sounds French but I let her continue. Brad died a few months after they were married. The secret police investigated and came to the conclusion that Brad had been putting small doses of poison in his food for at least a few months. It had built up in his system and killed him. I tell her how sorry I am.

We spend the next few days together. At the end of the week I pop the question. She is thrilled beyond words. We are married in a small church just outside of Essen where her family lives. Elsa€s mother is thrilled that she has taken up with a U-boat man, finally a man with some security and a real future ahead of him she exclaims one night over dinner.

On our honeymoon I take off my shirt. Elsa takes one look at the tattoo on my chest and develops a severe headache€¦ that lasts for the rest of my shore leave. We spend many happy days together. We arrive in Wilhelmshaven and take out a large life insurance policy on me. Elsa explains that I can not be too careful now that I have a family to look after. For her thoughtfulness I buy Elsa a couple of tee-shirts in a local souvenir shop.



Elsa has to leave for an emergency party in Berlin so she will not be there when U-1 departs. We embrace at the train station she boards without looking back. As the train pulls out of the station I hear her laughing. I can tell that she is glad she married me.

I return to the dock with renewed vigor. There is much to be done. U-1 is having her batteries replaced. We swap out the standard set the AFA 44 Mal 570 for the better AFA 35 Mak 580 that is supposed to have superior performance compared to the standard set that had come with U-1. I am also breaking in a new first officer, a real by the books tool that was sent down from U-boat command. I don€t bother learning his name and I tell him to make sure his affairs are settled before we sail. He tells me that I can no longer fill out my logs in crayon of any color. I can tell this is going to be a real pleasure cruise.

December 21, 1939

We spend the day making last minute preparations. I secretly pack a Christmas tree and a Santa suit onboard the spacious boat. We will probably be out on patrol when Christmas comes but that does not mean we can not celebrate. I also pack a Menorah and a dreidl for any members of the crew who want to celebrate the festival of lights. Along with this I pack a Kinara, Mkeka, a kikombe cha umoja, mishumaa saba and a few Zawadi to cover anyone who practices Kwanzaa. I make sure that the cook has lots of Latkes and Mazao on the menu. I can tell by the look he gives me that he is surprised that his Captain is so tolerant of beliefs that may be different from his own.

I receive a package from my mother-in-law€¦fruitcake lots of fruitcake for the crew and myself. I try to load it on board but the Chief Engineer tells me that the cake upsets the weight balance of the boat as well as the displacement. I either have to dump the cake or get rid of some of the weight. After we unload one of the torpedoes we finish loading the cake on board. Our load out is 2 Type-I torpedoes and 2 Type-II torpedoes.

17:15 we set sail into the darkening night. It is the winter solstice, the longest period of darkness for the entire year. It is a cold night with temperatures well below freezing the sky is so clear the stars look like cut diamonds against black silk. I order slow ahead. My uptight First Officer stands watch in the tower. He has already told me that he will unquestioningly follow all my orders and I decide to test that out. I order Number One to stick his tongue to the Observation Scope. He does and it holds fast. The crew gets a big kick out of it. Our groupies on the pier let out a cheer as I raise the scope to its full height my First Officer clinging to it appearing to be giving the scope a sloppy kiss. I exclaim that I am pleased the first officer loves U-1 so much and the crew tears off on a laughing jag.

We move slowly out of the harbor and soon open it up to 1/3 ahead to conserve fuel. I want to get back before Christmas but that probably will not happen. It would be nice to make it back in time to bring in the New Year with Elsa. I guess I will just have to wait and see. We are heading for patrol grid AN-51.

Sometime before midnight we pull down the Observation Scope and pry the first officer off. I learn that some people have no sense of humor.

December 22 €"24, 1939

We spend several days cruising across the surface. I spend the time thinking of Elsa and how I can not wait to get back to her. On the 24th the water is smooth enough that I have the crew practice with the Flak gun for a little while. I will be glad later that I did.

December 25, 1939

06:39 U-1 reaches AN-51 and we begin our patrol.

The Santa suit that I brought onboard does not fit me. It however fits the first officer just fine. I bring him in on my surprise for the crew and he is more than happy to put the outfit on. His tongue is still missing a few layers from our trip out of Wilhelmshaven so I have him practice in the bow torpedo room.

€œArry thismas, arry thismas, ary thismas O, O, O€ It is pathetic really but we can€t really pull over and get a better Santa. While he is going around the boat giving out gifts the cook comes to me with a problem. The fruit cake we packed on board has broken all the knives on board. I light up the Acetylene torch and burn into it for several hours to no avail before tossing it aside. I set up the Christmas tree and a strange feeling seems to come over the crew; something we have never experienced on board U-1€¦ several hours later I realize what it is€¦ high morale.

12:57 Our watch spots a V&W destroyer on the horizon and we submerge. It is the first test of the new batteries. The batteries work perfectly. Sometimes it really pays to contract out to the lowest bidder I guess. I€m excited about giving the British a Christmas present but we can not get into a good firing position.

13:56 U-1 surfaces.

16:15 We skirt around a warship of some kind, unable to make it out, and continue on.

16:23 The watch reports a lone merchant on the horizon. I order a dive to periscope depth to have a look. We maneuver for almost an hour and the merchant steams into the perfect position. I do so love Christmas.

17:15 I order tube one and two open. After setting my firing solution I let the eels swim.

17:16 There is no resounding explosion that shatters the tranquil waters. Both torpedoes miss. Cursing I order the U-1 to the surface. The waters are calm and I order Number One to man the flak gun€¦ the light flak gun. As soon as we get in range I scream open fire.



17:32 If anyone ever tells you that you can€t sink a merchant vessel with a light Flak gun€¦ they are probably telling you the truth. For twelve minutes we pour almost a thousand armor piercing rounds into the Merchant. She sails on. I contemplate our predicament for several minutes while stroking the bristle under my chin. Then I order full ahead.


We trade paint with the Merchant Vessel for roughly fifteen minutes to no avail. I can€t tell if we did any damage to the Merchant but I have to keep a damage control party going the entire time. We collide, scrape along the side, back off and do it all over again.

17:45 Frustrated by the fact that I have thrown two dud torpedoes, all my flak gun ammo and my U-boat at this vessel with nothing to show for it but a damaged bow I pull back to rethink my options. One of us is going to end up on the bottom I mutter. Inspiration hits. I order the boat ahead standard to keep pace with the merchant but also order that we stay out of her way. I don€t want to have a collision while I try to pull off my plan. I order torpedo tube 3 open. I have the crew back the eel out of the tube. Once it is all the way out I go to work. Five minutes later the warhead has several loaves of fruit cake welded to it. The crew has difficulty getting it back into the tube but it is eventually loaded. I return to the conning tower and plot my solution.

€œFruitcake anyone?€ I shout through the megaphone before I fire. I nervously count off the seconds until€¦


Impact!!! The fruitcake, being denser than the hull of the merchant and almost everything else in the known universe, burrows into the hold and sets off an explosion.

17:52 Our celebration is short lived. We are dive bombed by two Hurricanes. Maybe we should not have been firing our flak gun and trying to ram the merchant on the surface for over an hour while they reported in our position. I also think that it might have been a mistake to expend all the flak ammo. I shrug and order the boat down. We have to pry Number One off the flak gun, I guess he had frozen to it. Live and learn I mutter as I close the top hatch. Two explosions rip through the water just off our starboard side as we slip below the water. I have the crew report in but there is no damage. It was close but close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.


Must be new pilots I comment to Number One still in his Santa suit. We stay submerged and move west towards Britain. We still have one torpedo and several hours of Christmas left.

20:12 While moving submerged we are detected by a pack of destroyers. The pilots must have radioed in our position. I curse myself for not running silent and order it. I only hope it is not too late. I order a course change and dive the boat to 25 meters. The water is much to shallow to go any deeper. They circle us for three hours dropping depth charges and calling in Hurricanes to dive bomb where they think we are. We come close to losing U-1 several times. They are just not going away.

23:31 I sit down on the chart box and try to out think the Tommies. They€ve been at this for several hours and are just not giving up. They are obviously waiting for some sign that they have sunk us. I look over at the First Officer€s berth. He has dropped into a fitful sleep too exhausted to even change out of his Santa suit. This has just been my patrol for ideas I light on one that just might work. I order the crew to grab up Number One. Torpedo tubes two and three are empty. I order the crew to stuff Number One into tube 2 and the Christmas tree and the rest of the fruit cake into tube 3. Say that ten times really fast if you can. Once the tubes are sealed I order tubes 2 and 3 open.

€œThe Tommies will think they€ve just spent the last three hours depth charging Jolly Ole Saint Nick. That ought to give them pause. Fire tubes 2 and 3.€

The tubes are fired simultaneously. Number One, a Christmas tree and a whole bunch of fruit cake float to the surface. The British warships, that have been swarming above us for the last three hours, come to a sudden stop and all is quiet. U-1 takes advantage of the situation and slinks away to the west. Christmas ends and we are still alive... well everyone except Number One.

December 26, 1939

We spend Kwanzaa submerged. Our Hydrophone operator detects several ships but they are all moving away. We approach the coast of Britain once again in the Lion's den.

19:43 While moving through the U-boat I slip on a piece of left over fruit cake and send our last torpedo sailing through the deep blue sea. Actually it is a rather shallow blue sea and the fish swims up on to the beach and does nothing. Another dud but I don€t find that out for several hours because as I slip on the cake I slam my head into an overhead pipe and knock myself cold.

22:16 I wake up in torpedo tube 1 just in time to prevent the crew from sealing me up inside. They claim that they thought I was dead and were just going to keep my safe in the tube until we could get back to port. I also notice that the cook has baked a cake that has, "God has spared us the evil one is dead" across the top in black icing. I keep one eye on what I€m doing and the other on the crew for the rest of the voyage.

With no torpedoes left we head for Wilhelmshaven running silent until we are away from the coast.

December 27, 1939

We stay submerged for most of the day. The new batteries extend the amount of time we are able to move while under the water. It was the right idea to switch out the batteries.

10:49 We move through a circle of destroyers. The DD€s drop several depth charges but they are far away and are merely fishing for a U-boat. Probably after receiving a report about a lone U-boat attacking a Britain beach with a dud torpedo I muse. We slip away.

December 28, 1939

We surface before the sunrises and move ahead full. The navigator assures me that we have done a great job conserving fuel and we can make it back to Wilhelmshaven at this speed. We should be home in time for New Years.

20:07 We spot a C-2 Merchant ship on the surface. We move up along side shooting spitballs at the ship and trying to ram it. The ship quickly moves off but not before her crew gather on the deck and calls us a bunch of bed wetting cross dressers. It begins to rain and I spend the next several days in bed.


December 29 €" 30, 1939

It rains heavily for the next couple of days. We slog into Wilhelmshaven on the 30th the boat smelling like a moldy pair of unwashed underwear. Our groupies are gathered on the pier and I wonder if they ever left the pier. It lifts my heart to see our fans braving the rain to welcome us back.


We tie up to the pier another patrol successfully behind us. I look forward to seeing Elsa and wonder what the New Year will bring to the war in the Atlantic. I also wonder who thought of calling it the War in the Atlantic. I€ve spent four war patrols in the North Sea. I guess €œthe war in the Atlantic€ sounds better than €œthe War in the North Sea.€ It doesn€t matter I€m just glad to be home.

Thanks as always to those who read Smitlack€s War Diary. I will probably not be able to get another report out until Friday or so. I€m having a blast writing this and it tickles me to no end to know that there are people who enjoy reading it. I have a background in psychology and film, on top of an interest in history and writing. It is not very often that I can do something that involves utilizing all of them at once. This forum is fantastic. Thanks to Ubi Soft, Infopop and Photobucket.com. Keep hunting.

06-15-2005, 03:26 PM
Your patrol reports are the best......They get me through the work day with a smile. (the people I work w/ think I'm nuts but who cares)

06-15-2005, 03:31 PM
Ahah, I loved the first t-shirt design. Very funny, yet odd. In reality: how did you sink the merchant ship? Or did you?

06-15-2005, 03:49 PM
More of these, please! Perhaps you could start a blog and submit them there (as well).

Presents are opened on the 24th in Germany though (requesting confirmation by native Germans).

Oh, and Kaleun.. another method that works splendidly for sinking smaller merchants: use your periscopes as tin openers. You won't be credited with the sinking, but those tea drinking poofs will at least lose the ship.

You can even get the Royal Navy to aid you. Put a torpedo in the engine compartment of a C2 (they rarely go down with only one torpedo) and park your boat (submerged) 20 metres from the ship and leave your periscope up. The next RN ship that comes your way will attack you with its guns and eventually sink the crippled C2.

Good luck Hr Smittlak!

Yen Lo
06-15-2005, 06:55 PM
Dude thanks for gracing these forums with your unique talents!!!!

06-16-2005, 10:06 PM
Captain's Log USS Destroyer Grover Cleave-a-land
September 13, 1939
We have been searching the area for suspected U-Boat activity. We had recovered a German Flak Gun floating on the sea.

The gun was encased in a shipping carton with German writing. It was translated as "Deliver to Captian J Smt*** 507 Wilheimshaven ***** 3 Marks postage Due.

This was our 3'rd day on patrol and we had been getting reports of U-Boat activity in our area. At 13:00 we spotted a man floating on some wreckage from a C2. We brought the man abord. He must have been at sea for quite a long time because he said he was buried at sea alive. Being afloat at sea will do that to you. He did not seem to understand english too well and we may have mis-interpreted what he was saying. He kept mumbling that he was number 1 and her captain was number 2.

Captain's Log Thursday September 14'th, 1939

As our search continued the survivor seemed quite anxious for us to find and sink the U-1 boat. He kept pointing at floating coke bottles, thinking they were periscopes.

The crew enjoyed having him abord especially when we learned that he knew how to make Peanut Brittle. We have no idea where he found the peanuts.

We will keep searching these waters till we sink this mennice, menise, problem for navigation.

06-17-2005, 01:50 AM
Originally posted by U1Killer:
The crew enjoyed having him abord especially when we learned that he knew how to make Peanut Brittle. We have no idea where he found the peanuts.


06-17-2005, 08:10 AM
Noob Patrol #5 should be out sometime today if I can find a little free time to polish it a bit. In answer to W.Irving's post about the German's opening presents on the 24th in Germany he is absolutely correct. In Germany, traditionally, presents are opened on the 24th right before dinner time. The 25th and 26th are usually set aside for visiting family. Thank you for pointing that out. You learn something new everyday. It seems the fearless... fearful... just plain scared crew and Captain of U-1 have attracted the attention of a Destroyer crew. http://forums.ubi.com/images/smilies/mockface.gif Best of luck to them and good hunting to all

06-17-2005, 08:59 AM
Dear mum,
The other day Gene, Steven, the Flokov twins, and I were flying around just off the coast. Suddenly we spotted this strange green and white chair floating in the water. We dove on it to sea if any fish were hiding under it in the shadows.

Suddenly the biggest darn fish we ever saw with a single small eye on a stalk came out of the water. The thing suddenly regurgitated up a bunch of humans, which is understandable given that they are vile things that stink of peanuts and corn, but I did wax reminiscent of the days when you fed me at the nest as a chick.

We moved in to see if perhaps the giant would also spit out something more palatable. It didn€t. Instead it spat fire and, while giving it the thumbs down, Gene exploded in to a fine red mist and a cloud of white and gray feathers.

Angry, Steven dove on the giant and attacked, but her regurgitated food suddenly attacked him. He held his own, being a martial artist helps, (see mum, I told you I should get to go to Japan for the summer, but no€¦) but was suddenly overpowered by the depressive mood of the white-hatted human on the back of the giant. The white-hat said something in German about Steven being €˜Numbah one€ and then Steven died. Suddenly the giant seemed to swallow them all back up and dove underwater.

I never saw Steven or Gene again. The Flokov twins said not to worry, and that they would write a song to cheer me up. In anger I sank the deck chair. Somehow I feel better for doing it.

Your son,
Roger €˜Ebert€ Seagull

06-17-2005, 12:10 PM
I never would've thought U-boat simmers were creative, funny and talented people! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

More spinoffs!

06-18-2005, 04:28 PM
Originally posted by W.Irving:
I never would've thought U-boat simmers were creative, funny and talented people! http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

More spinoffs!

You get a lot of time to think when you're in the sim. -Lego http://forums.ubi.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif