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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 10:49 AM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to
the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring
she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer".

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 10:49 AM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to
the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring
she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer".

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 10:51 AM
http://webmail.bsc.edu/MBX/kmcentyr/ATT:SMTP:3F1AA3D6.MSG/1/Lawsuit1_1.jpg


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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 10:52 AM
hehe good one.

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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 10:57 AM
I'll put more up as they come everyone should post on this thread jokes and stuff they get in E-mails.

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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 11:13 AM
hehe funny

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XyZspineZyX
07-21-2003, 11:33 AM
cool smileys

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XyZspineZyX
07-22-2003, 11:32 PM
>>>>The Eulogy
>>>>>
>>>>>She married and had 7 children. Her husband died. She married
>>>>>again
>>and
>>>>had
>>>>>5 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and
>>>>>this
>>>>time
>>>>>had 3 more children.
>>>>>
>>>>>Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher
>>prayed
>>>>for
>>>>>her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said,
>>>>>"Lord,
>>>>they're
>>>>
>>>>>finally together."
>>>>>
>>>>>One mourner leaned over, quietly asked her friend , "Do you
>>>>>think he
>>>>means
>>>>>her first, second or third husband?"
>>>>>
>>>>>The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."



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XyZspineZyX
07-22-2003, 11:32 PM
Subject: New Quarter Problem




The United States Treasury has announced a recall on the new Alabama
quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a
press conference Monday morning. "This comes in the wake of numerous
reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford. The
winning design for the Alabama quarter was submitted by Auburn
University College of Engineering student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together
keeps jamming coin-operated devices."

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XyZspineZyX
07-22-2003, 11:33 PM
> > There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the
> >street when
> > > > >> a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him! .
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Nice bike," The cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket
> >for a
> > > > > > safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to
> >put a reflector
> > > > > > light on the back of it."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you
> >got
> > > > > > there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
> >tell Santa
> > > > > > the **** goes underneath the horse not on top."


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XyZspineZyX
07-23-2003, 01:19 AM
A young boy was walking to school with his girlfriend and saw his dads outhouse. He bet her he could push the outhouse into the crick, and she said go for it. He pushed it in, and she held his hand all the way to school.
While in school, the boy learned how George Washington cut down the cherry tree and tol the truth about it. The moral: Never tell a lie.
When he got home, his dad asked him if he'd pushed the outhouse. He said "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed your outhouse into the crick." His dad then beat him to the other side of the house. When he got over his sobbing, the boy said, "George Washington's dad never beat him when he told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree."
His Dad said "Yeah, well George's dad wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!"

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XyZspineZyX
07-23-2003, 04:19 AM
here's a joke my old man used to tell me but i dont really get it but every1 else did

I think it goes like this:
There was once a cowbot, an arabic, and an indian on a plane, the cowboy took off his boots and went to stretch, so the arabic guy spat in his boot, then the cowboy went to get a beer and the indian spat in hi boot to, when the cowboy put back his boots he said when will the world come to a stop to spitting and pising in the boots

XyZspineZyX
07-23-2003, 07:44 AM
I like the little boy and the cop joke. but here is mine...

A woman was driving 160km down the centre of a road. A cop pulled her over and said, Why on earth were you driving that fast. The woman says. My licence tells me to.
Lets see it! the cop said. The woman pulled out her license and showed it to the cop. Then he said, Nope sorry this is an ordinary tempoary licence.
NO! look! It says Tear Along The Dotted Line./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif

Who needs ammo when you have cammo.

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XyZspineZyX
07-23-2003, 08:28 PM
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Louisiana is planning to do

its own show, entitled "Survivor Louisiana Style." The contestants will

start in West Monroe, travel up to Claiborne Parish and on to

Springhill. Then they will head down to Toledo Bend and Deridder. From

there they will proceed on down to Berwick and LA. (lower Atchafalaya

for those of you who don't know what that means). Then back up through

Thibodaux, LaPlace, Plaquemine, and all the way up to Opelousas. The

final leg will be on to Alexandria, Winnfield and up to West Monroe.
Each

contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Yankee license plates and a

large bumper sticker that reads:


I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. The LSU
Tigers suck. Hillary in 2004. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to
confiscate your guns.

The first contestant that makes it back to West Monroe alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!


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XyZspineZyX
07-23-2003, 09:50 PM
/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

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XyZspineZyX
07-24-2003, 01:45 AM
I'll add some every day

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XyZspineZyX
07-24-2003, 03:09 AM
so far the cop/boy one and the louisiana ones were the best.

"The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity"


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XyZspineZyX
07-24-2003, 03:50 AM
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"



Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."



Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."



Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!



Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."




A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''

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XyZspineZyX
07-24-2003, 05:45 AM
hehehe...this one is great.

A Navy student pilot and his instructor pilot entered in an old T-28 or T-34B turboprop (something with a Manifold Pressure gauge on the control panel). The student was not having a good day, and the instructor, a "screamer", was not exactly offering his nurturing side in response. Intending to give his student a verbal berating for not setting the needed 10 inches of Manifold Pressure required by the maneuver, he accidently keys the radio transmit switch instead of the intercom and transmits:

"10 inches...I said 10 inches damn it!!!"

Another kindly instructor in the area, intent on letting his short tempered coworker know that he was publicly making an ignoramus of himself, but not knowing who to address, simply settles on saying:

"Hey 10 inches, you're broadcasting!"

To which another voice, quickly chimes in:

"Hell, if I had ten inches...I'd be broadcasting too!!!"


Some more related to aeroplanes, funny as hell.

A C-5 Galaxy cargo jet, as you may know, is slightly bigger than a 747 airliner, so as a C-5 was taxxing past a 747 one day at Frankfurt airport, the pilot called out:

"Hey little buddy, whats your gross? (refering to gross weight)"

the 747 pilot replied smartly:

"$200,000 a year... whats yours?"


more...ships this time

Off the coast of Newfoundland the following transmission was heard from a US Aircraft carrier.

US Aircraft Carrier:
This is the USS Ronald Reagan we are on course for a collision on heading 135 degrees. Please change your course.

Reply :
No you change your course

US Aircraft Carrier:
This is the USS Ronald Reagan, we are a aircraft carrier, our collision course is set on heading 135 degrees. Change you course immediately.

Reply:
No you change your course

US Aircraft Carrier:
This is the USS Ronald Reagan, we are a United States navel vessel. We have 30 fighters on board that can be loaded with anti-shipping missiles that can sink an ocean liner, we have 25 heavy cannons off our stern that can shot a shell 20 miles, we have a battalion of marines that can board any ship we please. We order you to change course immediately

Reply:
USS Ronald Reagan. Please be advised we are a lighthouse.




"The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity"


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XyZspineZyX
07-24-2003, 05:52 AM
I like the lighthouse one.

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XyZspineZyX
08-04-2003, 10:35 PM
bump for more jokes

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XyZspineZyX
08-05-2003, 12:10 AM
No jokes, but a bunch of funny edited photos: www.worth1000.com (http://www.worth1000.com)

==================================
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I need something to hold on to--George Burns

XyZspineZyX
08-05-2003, 12:35 AM
well put them on here if it's possible

The only easy day is Yesterday
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XBL Gamertag: RoaringMad Mac
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XyZspineZyX
08-05-2003, 12:38 AM
How do I do that?


==================================
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I need something to hold on to--George Burns

XyZspineZyX
08-06-2003, 10:26 PM
A blonde and a Redhead are in an RV and stop on the side of the road. Their RV broke down. The blonde finds a compact (things girl use for makeup). Blonde:Hey! Look! This is mine! Redhead: Lemme see...She takes it and looks at it..That's not yours, that's mine. A car pulls over and a man wearing glasses steps out and takes the compact. Man: Dammit, respect my property. He walks off, going to the car and says, Honey, I found your compact..3 girls step out from the car and look into the compact. Hey it's mine! No, it's mine! they fight and break it. They all take a peice and say together, Told you it was mine.


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Message Edited on 08/06/0305:32PM by Sam_Fisher_JR

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 12:55 AM
a baby seal walks into a club...../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

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Americas Freak Yeahhttp://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gif


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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 01:55 PM
BUMP

/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif the little devil.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif
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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:07 PM
freakishly wrote:
- a baby seal walks into a club.....

I just never got that one..


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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:16 PM
i think my parents hated me as a child. my bath toys were a radio and hair dryer

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<center>Liquor
<center>Wine

<center><marquee loop="infinite" bgcolor="black" width=300> Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? - dr. evil </marquee>

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:17 PM
that is probably a good thing.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif



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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:20 PM
freakishly wrote:
- that is probably a good thing...

?? Why? Is it bad? Just PM what it means or I'll go insane tryin to figure it out!!!!! /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif LOL


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Hmmm, increase my killing power...
-Homer Simpson

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:21 PM
people used to club baby seals for their fur.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

a baby seal walks into a club.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif get it now??

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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:28 PM
yea, but it took so much figuring out, that its kinda not funny.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:dA4y_rodew4C:www.astro.utoronto.ca/~reid/faculty/alfred01.gif

Hmmm, increase my killing power...
-Homer Simpson

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:36 PM
well there you go..../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

please read and follow all directions before using this joke. In case of accidental injestion, please contact krusty the clown for immediate assistance at 1-800-dontget.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:48 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend and says,"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumba**,
someone has stolen our tent."

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<center><marquee loop="infinite" bgcolor="black" width=300> Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? - dr. evil </marquee>

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 02:58 PM
A Russian couple is out strolling down the block when the man feels a drop on his nose. "Dear, I think it's raining" he says. "No, its snowing" says his wife. They get into an argument, and soon a major figure in the communist party, who's name is Rudolph, comes walking down the block toward them. The man says "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or sowing?" Rudolph says "It is raining." "I still think it is snowing" says the woman. The man says "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

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"One more chance! I promise I'll screw me up more!"
-Monroe

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 08:47 PM
For those of you who've heard this one, sorry if I"m off a bit (memory's the first to go w/age)... LOL

A man and his wife a are traveling in a horse driven carriage, and the horses suddenly trips. The man gets out, says, "that's once", and beats up the horse.

They continue on down the road a ways, and the horse hits a bump and trips again. The man says, "that's twice", gets out, beats the horse to a pulp, gets back in the carriage and they continue on.

Their journey continues for a short time, and pretty soon the horse inexplicably trips again. This time, the man gets out, pulls his gun and shoots the horse dead.

The wife is hysterical..."Now what'd you go and do something so stupid for???? How the hell are we going to get to town now???" The man says, "That's once...."


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

__________________________________________________ _________________
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The most beautiful experience we can have is
the mysterious..
the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle
of true art and true science.

--Albert Einstein

"Member of PitBull's Mafia"

XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 08:49 PM
i'm reposting these because no one read em:

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"



Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."



Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."


/i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif the little devil.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-mad.gif
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XyZspineZyX
08-07-2003, 11:59 PM
BUMPER STICKERS

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think
a truck hit mine.

I just love nonverbal communication!

You can't be late until you show up.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all
of our problems?

Why be normal?

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of
the oncoming train.

If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

My child beat up your honor student!

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong
lane.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.


HA HA HA MY FAVE: Stupidity should be painful. /i/smilies/16x16_smiley-very-happy.gif

__________________________________________________ _________________
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/lbcoughlin/ASSASSINNegpnk.GIFhttp://mywebpages.comcast.net/lbcoughlin/FOSig.jpg
The most beautiful experience we can have is
the mysterious..
the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle
of true art and true science.

--Albert Einstein

"Member of PitBull's Mafia"

XyZspineZyX
08-08-2003, 12:08 AM
the gene pool could use a little chlorine.../i/smilies/16x16_smiley-indifferent.gif

give me ambiguity or give me something else...:

http://musicphase.com/img/robzpic4.jpg
Americas Freak Yeahhttp://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gif


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Splinter Cell and Prince of Persia Moderator./i/smilies/16x16_smiley-wink.gif